Today was yet another roller coaster of emotions. But only for me, really.
I'm sitting in the basement of the Navy Lodge...excuse me, the garden level - ha..doing laundry. I can barely remember doing laundry like this in college. Isn't that sad how fast you forget those things? I think the first few times I stayed with it because of all the rumors you hear of people stealing your clothes. After the first couple times though, I never stayed with it again. It was just a lot of running back and forth up and down the stairs to change it over or go get it. Or I just saved it all until I went home. Either way, no one ever stole our clothes. Not at our beloved JMU :) Ok, off topic - nevertheless, I'm sitting here waiting for the clothes to finish washing, so I can put them in the dryer and wait again. Hoping the new maternity jeans I bought don't run on the other clothes...and hoping that washing his velcro clothes with my delicates wasn't a bad idea...but as I typed that, I pretty much figured it was, and I should prepare myself for some ruined underpants. Ah well.
I'm not really sure what to write about this day yet. I'm not sure how in detail I want to go about the events that occurred. I've already posted a little glimpse on Facebook, so I'm sure by now, those who wanted to, have figured it out. I had a routine OB check up today. It didn't quite go like I had hoped. I have gained about 15 lbs so far. Not happy about that, but understand it is part of pregnancy. Just feel like a heifer. I swear that scale was heavy though.
Jason was able to come with me to this appointment, which has been the first since he left and we had just found out. Then, he saw the yolk sac and a heart flutter, but that was it. He saw the 3D ultrasound when we found out the gender because we web streamed it to him. Baby was very active this morning, and moving everywhere during all my exams, which was good. Unfortunately my cervix is starting to funnel, and is shortening. Which is normal in pregnancy, but not this much, and not this early. I started out at around 4cm, and I'm at 1.5-2cm now depending on who you ask. I have to go back in 2 weeks to get checked again after some progesterone therapy. Either they'll tell me it's great news and it hasn't gotten any shorter and I will be able to go about my normal living, or it will have gotten shorter, and they'll want me on bed rest. I'm not dilated yet, so that's good. And I have no symptoms of preterm labor right now either.
But, how will I go on bed rest with a husband who is also pretty much on bed rest? I mean, he isn't really, but he still needs quite a bit of assistance. Remember when I said I felt like someone was playing a sick joke on me? Well, now I really feel that way. I hate that I am so negative, but with all the things that have happened or are happening, how could I not be?!
So when Jason goes outpatient, he'll be allowed to have one person to stay with him as his non medical attendant. This person is 'on orders' and will get per diem (which isn't a lot) for staying with him. It was going to be me. Except that if I have to go on bed rest that won't work. So then I'm wondering if I'll even be allowed to stay with him because technically I'm not on orders. Politics. And then I think about Colorado, and all our glorious stuff. And how I may not be able to go out there at all now. I'll have to rely on perfect strangers to pack it all and PCS it (eventually) and probably rely on my parents to go out there on their own dime to get the 'stuff' I'm so desperately waiting for. And then I think about all the little babies we saw at Evans - and we didn't even deliver under 36 weeks...and how sick some of them were even at that age. I think about how hard it was to get those little ones to breastfeed, and how they almost always had to have formula or IV fluids. I think about how long they stayed in there, and how the parents got so annoyed with it. I just want to deliver a healthy 7lb baby, and go home 2 days later like most everyone else gets to do. As if our family hasn't endured enough already. Let's just see what else we can pile on top.
Of course Jason handles it perfectly and says that everything will be fine. Not worried a bit. Unfortunately, my negative attitude, and my job have made me paranoid. He's moving around now, as if to tell me, "I'll be OK mom, I'm a fighter!" That sounds cheesy, but sometimes that's what I think. He is a boy though - and he's white - and for all my MBU nurses out there, we know where that's going. I feel like I've done something wrong though, even though I haven't. But, you don't have to do anything to be pregnant, and I can't even seem to do that right.
Let me clarify - I am not in pre term labor. I don't want a bunch of rumors spreading all over. I know a lot of people read this who I didn't even know would find it. And that's ok. And I have to be ready for the consequences of me putting my business out there. The doctor said I will likely deliver between 34 and 36 weeks. I'm still hoping for 38-40.
I'm merely stressed. Overloaded. Really thought my brain was oozing out of my ears today. Felt so numb and defeated. So defeated in fact, I got a flu shot. I am usually very resistant to those, just think they're silly. But now, I don't want to take any risks.
I know what all the machines in the NICU do. I don't want to deal with all those stupid cords and wires. I don't want to have to change poopy diapers and try not to get poop on them all. I don't want to go 'home' with oxygen for my baby. I don't want to pump and feed, I want to breastfeed. I don't want to deal with it! I'm sure this sounds extremely selfish of me, and I should be grateful to be carrying this baby boy. I am. I just want him healthy. Like 40 weeks healthy. My husband will be technically handicapped (though I know after a while you'll never notice) for the rest of his life. I don't want our child to be, too. Or deal with surgeries for a baby or long term health problems because I couldn't keep him inside me.
Any time after December 10 would be okay with me. Preferably January 7 of course, but after Dec 10, he'll be 36 weeks, and I can handle that. I've seen those babies go home in 2 days no problem. Some of them are littler, but some still go home with no problems.
Needless to say, I was in a severe funk all day. Of course the appointment was the first thing in the morning, so I was a misery to be around (again) all day long. I went with Jason to PT again. He gets excited to go now. But he's like a little puppy - as soon as he gets back from doing his exercises, he's exhausted, and goes right to sleep. He stood with the parallel bars and threw and caught an exercise ball while balancing. He did a great job with that. One guy fell while walking around the track, and it took a long time for him just to get back up. He had above the knee amputations, and was pretty new to his prosthetics it looked like. It was so sad to watch. He was so positive about it though, while just laying there on the floor waiting for someone to help. It was such a struggle to stand up on those legs for him, just something you'd never think about. How hard it is to stand up from lying on the floor with fake legs up to your hips. Jason said "Man, I wanted to help...and then I realized I couldn't." We just chilled out for the rest of the afternoon.
So I think after a day of processing it all, I'm a little better with it. But who knows what tomorrow will be like. I know there's not much I can do. I know I'm not doing too much to have caused it - if anything, I was doing much more before I came here. Now, I just wake up and walk to the hospital and sit in his room. Maybe walk downstairs once, and back to sitting, and picking scabs and dead skin, and then walk 'home' and sleep. Hence the weight gain. I know people do both of these things every single day (sit by their husbands bedside, and wait patiently for their baby to come home), just maybe not at the same time. And, thank goodness I'm not on bed rest now, or thank goodness the baby isn't here now in the middle of all this. And, at least we'll be within walking distance of the hospital for a good while. That will save on gas money!
We're so hoping for a weekend pass this weekend. We have got to get him off this base. His mom is coming for another visit too, so we were hoping to go out to lunch or dinner one night. It just all depends on whether or not his pain can be controlled with oral medications. Right now he's still on the PCA, and still has a wound vac. We're trying not to get our hopes up, but I think whenever you have to say that, you've already got them up.
I'm tired, I wish these clothes would hurry up. Usually, I love doing laundry. But not when I have to sit and wait for it.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Every day inside is worth three on the outside little one. You just stay put!
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