We still have a mystery rash. This is going on two months now. Talk about being tired of something. He said to me the other day; "Why do I always have to go through all of this? I was just doing my job." I wasn't really sure what to say to that. I can't say that I empathize with him, because I physically don't understand what he's going through. But, I am going through it with him. I will tell you, I cannot stand the sound of fingernails scratching skin. But I'm sure he can't stand itching, after being itchy for two months now. The doctors haven't been able to tell us anything. He goes to dermatology at least three times a week, and they never have a good answer. He's tried different lotions, creams, antifungals, oral steroids and topical steroids. He takes a drug at night they gave him for itching, that basically just knocks him out so he can sleep. He has wrapped his arms and legs with saran wrap after glopping cream on them. He covers his hands in cream at night, and sleeps with gloves on. He has tried putting his hands in a UV light box for treatment. He no longer showers for 30+ minutes, in the hottest he can stand, even though this was his only relaxing time. His showers were his alone time, and his time to reflect, and he doesn't even want to do that anymore for fear of drying his skin out too much. He spends way too much time on google, searching for any answer to what this skin affliction could be. Currently, he believes it's eczema. Eczema can be flared up by stress, and I'd say he's going through a considerable amount of stress at the moment.
A friend asked if he's gone through all the stages of grief yet. I hadn't really thought about it.
Denial. Well, it's kind of hard to deny what's happened. He has to see it every day. He's said it usually hits him the most at night, when he's lying in bed and looks down and only sees one foot sticking up under the covers. Some days I still think "I just can't believe this is our life now."
Anger. Depends on the day. For both of us. The fact that we're together 24/7 doesn't help this either.
Bargaining. We would give anything, except his right foot and middle finger, for him to be back in Afghanistan. Seriously. We would much rather be having Skype dates than dealing with this day in and day out. I would give up a lot to be raising my son on my own if it meant my husband would come home intact, and we would be able to continue on our normal lives after deployment. It's a Catch-22 I guess, because we would never, ever understand and appreciate the sacrifices so many make, if he stepped on a land mine, if he didn't. Does that make sense? While I'm sure a lot of people are upset that I have my husband home with me, they can't understand our daily struggles. After they all come home, everyone will return to their normal lives. But this is our normal now, and it's far from normal. I feel like I'm backtracking. More than ever, recently, we've both been really missing Afghanistan. Weird, huh? He misses those guys so much, and is so afraid they will be upset with him when they get back. He so wants to be there, doing his job, instead of here, being babied and bored out of his mind in Bethesda. I miss him being gone. I miss the excitement of the countdowns to when he comes home, and hearing the Skype phone ringing. I miss seeing the pictures he used to post on Facebook of their missions and his gym time. We both know that when everyone comes back, they're going to want to spend a lot of time with their wives, while we are going to want to spend a lot of time away from each other :)
Depression. We both think we're in this stage now. Probably he moreso than I. This mystery skin rash ordeal has not helped. On top of that, the leadership at Bethesda is a joke. They try to make it feel like the regular Army, with squads and units and all that, but really, they are just treated like children and he does not appreciate that, especially since he outranks his squad leader. Once we get back to Colorado, we'll probably take advantage of the counseling services offered, individually and together.
Acceptance. Some days I think we're there, others we're not. It will probably be a little while longer before we're all the way there.
I've decided that on August 13, 2012, we're going to do the Incline. It's an old cog rail way in Manitou Springs that people walk up for exercise. It's pretty physically demanding, and quite frankly, torture. The first time we did it, it took us 4 hours round trip. The second time, it took us 2 hours round trip. It's about a mile up, with a 2,000 foot gain in elevation. It feels good when you get to the top, though. What a perfect way to celebrate his alive day, to show how far he's come in a year.
Finally, he has received his official orders to return to Fort Carson. His report date is April 24th. We could not be more excited! With the excitement comes a little sadness though, as we pack up and prepare to leave our families again. We've been spoiled for sure being so close to everyone, and having free babysitters on hand whenever we could need them. It will be a big adjustment going back, but we are so ready. I only hope the transition lives up to his expectations and he feels more comfortable out there. I've already got a big to do list of things we need to take care of when we get out there. No surprise there I guess.
We can't wait to see all of you who are reading this from Colorado! And as far as all our VA/MD/DC friends and family, we'll be back to visit soon...but not too soon :)
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