Jason - Month 18

A little late, but that's ok.

We took a trip to Seattle to argue our case about Jason's disability rating. It was stressful to say the least, getting everything in order last minute to go, travel logistics with a toddler, and switching around my schedule at work. It was worth it, I hope. It seems like it will be, but we won't officially know for another couple of weeks.

It was intimidating to go in and sit in front of the board. Jason was so nervous. He did such a good job, though. His lawyer was really excited when we were all done. There were so many formalities, and I felt like I was in another world. It was all recorded, and so at the beginning they had to say certain things as part of the official record. It sounded so weird. We were in a conference room with three people on each side of the table. So it wasn't like we were on trial or anything, but I know Jason was nervous sitting across from a full bird colonel with a booming voice.

He explained what happened, in detail, and explained each of his injuries and how they would prohibit him from doing his job as an infantryman. I remember him saying "...I would basically become a burden to my other soldiers, and that isn't safe." I felt so bad for him in that moment. I know this is taking a lot out of him, and he wants to get out of the Army so bad right now after dealing with the all the WTU crap, but to hear him accept defeat like that broke my heart a little bit.

In the end, in their official format and booming voices, the president of the board deemed Jason unfit for duty with a total of five unfitting conditions. Again, he hung his head and I could just see his entire Army career flashing before his eyes. He'd never let it truly sink in that he's giving up a huge part of his life, because then he'd have to face the fact that his future is still uncertain. That, and he's just a guy, he'd never be emotional about such things. My heart still broke for him in that moment.

They never interviewed me, I guess Jason's account was detailed enough. I certainly would have loved to give my two cents though. I think we all know that!

And, can I say - Thank God for the Ventura family! If it wasn't for them, I'm not sure what we would've done with Cooper while we were at the hearing. That would've been interesting, to have a 13 month old crawling around an official hearing. We are forever indebted to them for watching him that day!

Now we wait.

And in the mean time, we get to make the following decisions:

Jason needs another surgery. Do we do it in Denver, or back at Walter Reed, or somewhere else?
Our lease on our current rental house is up this summer. I'm over this house.
Do we move to another house in Colorado Springs? Do we buy? Or keep renting?
Do we use our final Army move to move back East and be closer to family for help when needed?
Or do we use it to move ~20 miles away?
Do we stay here and let Jason finish up school but be painfully far from built in babysitters (and the beach!)?

Sounds like fun?

Not so much. It's caused Jason and I to argue more than we've ever argued in our relationship. Every day we have another idea about whether or not we should stay or go. (there are a lot more factors to be weighed in to our decisions than I've listed)

The surgery is called an Ertl, and involves cutting his tibia to be of equal length to his fibula and then using the cut bone to bridge the two together. This results in a much stronger base for him to bear weight on instead of the very sharp tibia that most of his weight ends up on currently. This would shorten the nub a couple inches, and then they'd revise the scar as well. He would be without a leg for 6-8 weeks, and when he is cleared for weight bearing again, he'd have to go through the prosthetic fitting process all over again. They tell us the swelling wouldn't be near as bad as it was last time, so hopefully the process wouldn't be as long. I do know it will be a pain, and Jason will likely be in pain again, and he's not excited about that. The problem lies in the fact that he wouldn't be able to crutch around the house and hold Coop at the same time. We'd need help if I plan on working, and I think our families have agreed to help, I just hope we can cover the amount of time he'd be out of commission.

This also means we'd probably have to miss our highly anticipated beach trip :( I can't tell you how disappointed I am about that, but this surgery won't be an annual thing either, so we will survive another year without the sun, sand, and salt water.

When I look back on the last 18 months, it feels like 10 years have passed. I'm tired. Just tired of making big life changing decisions, or adjusting to another new normal, or planning something we didn't plan on planning. Such is life, and we're not the only ones with heartache and hardships, I'm well aware. But sometimes I'd just love to not worry about anything, and just sit on the beach without having to worry about when we'll be able to afford to come back.

I'd also love to be newlyweds again. We still haven't even been married for three years, and when people ask, I have to think twice before I speak, because I could swear it's been at least five. I just want to be young(ish) and married with our first baby. And that's it. No leg junk to throw in to the mix.

It's the month of love, but it's been more of a bah humbug kind of month in this house!

Jason - Month 17

I mean, this looks like a scar to you, right? 

Well, we get to uproot our family for three days, lug a one year old and all his crap, piss people off at work because I'll have to change my schedule last minute, and Jason will have to miss a day of class, to go up to Fort Lewis and argue that this needs to be in his file because the VA failed to recognize this painful scar.

Let me tell you, this scar has gotten way worse. I wish I took monthly pictures of Jason's scars like I do of our son. I have one from right after the surgery, but not too many after that. At least that I can find in the 11,500 pictures I just organized the other day. There has always been an open area on part of his scar. When he was still in the hospital, the occupational therapists told me I could pick all his scabs so long as they were ready to come off. Every night, we'd sit and pick and pick and pick. So much so that I'd have to ask to have his sheets changed because of all the skin flakes and scabs that had fallen off. It. was. gross. Nevertheless, there was one really dark scab about an inch long that was really deep, and took forever to come off. In the picture to the right, it's the darker spot towards the right side of that scar. When it did fall off, there was a little cavern as Jason likes to say, left. They explained that the scar had kind of folded in on itself, and that's just how it would heal. It never gave him any problems, and was mostly just really gross looking, until recently.

Now, it's painful, and obviously way bigger than when he started. When he puts his leg on, the scar spreads apart and is almost unbearable for him. He limps a lot, which is not good for his hips, and most of the time will just take the leg off if we're at home. And let me remind you, we have a one year old who requires baby gates. Jason has already face planted in the kitchen from hopping around the house and missing the ledge from the baby gate. He's promised me he wouldn't hop anymore, the last thing we need is another injury on top of this one, but that only lasted about a week before he decided getting his crutches from upstairs was way too much work since he'd have to go upstairs on the painful leg.

See how the folds are continuing up his nub now? Never there before. I don't know what's going on, but this will likely require a surgical revision, if not more than one, which will mean no leg wearing for at least a couple weeks each time. I'm not sure if you've tried, but carrying a one year old while using crutches is not advised, especially if I'm your wife. So, that would mean no work for me.

And the VA apparently forgot about giving this scar any sort of rating. The scar on the leg that he's missing half of. They just decided it wasn't going to give him any problems ever, I guess.

And, pictured above, also a 0% rating. These injuries apparently don't affect his daily living, so they don't deserve compensation. Just don't even get me started.

Back and forth, back and forth, that's how we've spent this month. "No, it won't make a difference whether or not you go to Fort Lewis, the outcome will be the same." "Are you kidding me? It makes a huge difference if you show up here in person!" Great. So three weeks before his formal hearing, we're deciding last minute to go. Trying to figure out childcare for the time we're in the hearing, and rearranging our lives for the billionth time for the Army.

Jason does not handle this stress well; I seem to thrive on it which seems odd. It kind of motivates me to prioritize things that need to be done now, and things that can wait. I refuse to come out on the other side of all this and wonder if we did everything we could. I want to know that we're doing everything we can now, before it's too late and we're sitting at home with our thumbs up our assess saying 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'!

We're trying hard to stay positive, to not jump down each others throats in the midst of all this, and to count our blessings. We have wonderful plans for life after the Army, but we are really trying to keep things in perspective as we know the Army generally has very different plans.

For now, the VA claim is our focus, because it will determine how the rest of our lives are lived in financial terms. I know the light is at the end of the tunnel, and while that is a very scary thing, it is something else to look forward to.

Cooper - 1 Year

Turning one is one of those things that you never remember. But I will always remember my sweet little boy at his first birthday party. It is so surreal, he is so big already.

In your first year, you have learned how to sleep through the night, breastfeed, suck your thumb, crawl, stand, walk while holding on to things, dance, clap, talk, sign, feed yourself, play peek-a-boo, smile, laugh, cry, and give mommy hugs. You are so smart. You have likes and dislikes now, and a major dislike is vegetables these days. You still love applesauce and yogurt, and those are the only things you allow to be spoon fed to you. Everything else you must pick up and put in your mouth yourself. You were born in Maryland, and have visited Virginia many times, also England, Texas, North Carolina, and Colorado.

If we say "Where's Cooper?" You put one hand over one eye and smile. You also do the same while you're nursing.

If there's music on, you wiggle, dance, laugh, and clap. You use measuring cups as drumsticks and beat on everything to hear the sounds. I'm sure you will be musically inclined.

You love to throw toys, go pick them up, and throw them again.

In and out, in and out. Mom Mom always says it's a Piaget developmental stage, and you sure do love doing it. Put it in. Take it out. Over and over again.

You've mastered the sippy cup, and are so busy throughout the day, you really don't like drinking milk from the cup or bottle anymore, just mom, when she's home. Daddy manages to get that milk in you though because he stays home with you most days, and you love to wrestle together.

You love to play with Sadie's toys too. Sometimes you try to give them to her, but she doesn't quite understand that you're helping her out yet. She thinks you want to play and starts jumping up and down and racing around the room when you crawl towards her with one of her toys.

You understand the word "No" but also are testing your limits. You know when you're somewhere you're not supposed to be, or playing with something you shouldn't be because you look at us with a very sly grin and wait to see what we will do. Saying no doesn't stop you in the least. It's when we move you or take away whatever it is, that the temper flares.

You continue to love bath time. No matter your mood, a bath always leaves you smiling and laughing. You love to splash and eat the bubbles.

You still have only 6 teeth. I've been waiting for those other two bottom two to break through, but still no luck. You are able to chew everything we give you just fine though.

When we give you a new food to try, you usually give it a few chews, and give us the yuck face and stick your tongue out until all the yucky food falls off. After a few tries, sometimes you'll eat it, other times you'll continue to refuse.

---

Your first birthday party was the Saturday before your actual birthday. A lot of friends came to help you celebrate, and you had a blast. You LOVED your cake. Mommy made you a yellow cake with chocoalte icing all for yourself, and you wasted no time digging in. In a matter of about 20 minutes, you had the cake in crumbles and were still shoveling it in. You probably would have eaten the entire thing had I let you. We went straight to the bathtub to get it all off afterwards. If it was summertime we probably would have just taken you outside and hosed you down!

After cake, we opened presents, and you were so excited to play with all your new toys, but still enjoyed the tissue paper just a little bit more.

---

On your actual birthday, the 7th, Mommy and Daddy took you to Denver. We ate lunch at the Aquarium and you loved the fish. You wanted to touch them all! You had fish sticks for the first time, and ate almost all of them! Then we took you across the street to the Children's Museum. Most of the museum is geared towards older kids, but there was a large section for kids your age, and you had a ball. You loved playing in the different houses, and were especially fond of a cash register that opened and closed. You kept putting eggs inside it, and took them out again. You and Daddy did some laundry in the tree house, and then you planted some vegetables in the garden. You went down the slide a couple times, through the tunnels, over the bridge, and then went fishing. You sat in a boat, and climbed a tree.

You slept the whole way home, and I hope you had sweet dreams. We tried to give you the best birthday we could, and we will always strive to do that.


My sweet one year old, mommy loves you so much. You bring joy to my heart every single day, and I often catch myself staring at this sweet boy we created in awe. Thank you for the most wonderful year of our lives to date. We can't wait to see how you grow and learn this year!

xoxo
mommy

growing up

Here's one thing I never thought about before marrying in to the military life - birthday parties.

We just celebrated our son's first birthday, and while it was a wonderful celebration, I was so homesick. Yes, all that really should matter is the fact that my sweet boy is turning one. Whoever wants to help us celebrate that fact is more than welcome, but the problem is we don't have that many friends out here any more. The ones that came to the party are our very near and dear friends, but there was no family.

Maybe it's just an all around emotional time for me, but it hit me especially hard today as we sang "Happy Birthday" to Cooper. I remember in the very moment I blew out his candle, I was literally telling myself to etch these memories in to my heart forever because there was no other family here to witness it.

Having Cooper has made me realize this. Before, birthdays were still celebrations, but certainly not milestone and emotional celebrations such as this. They were "let's go out to eat somewhere and then get drunk" celebrations. Now, we're creating childhood memories for our firstborn. And that's a huge deal to me. Man, I'm getting deep here.

The point of my emotional tirade here is this: I miss my family. I miss being able to go home for dinner, or Christmas, or birthday parties. It makes me second guess our decision to buy a house and further establish our life out here. Will I be able to give Cooper the best childhood memories possible? I hate knowing that he won't be able to see his grandparents very often. So when he does see them, he will be afraid of them because they're his grandparents, and they're old, and lets face it, who wasn't scared of their old grandparents when they were little?! Only those who saw them on a regular basis like Cooper won't be able to.

I know the reality is he won't remember a thing from this party. And when he's old enough to remember his parties, he'll be old enough to have made friends of his own (I hope!). Then we shouldn't have to worry much about whether or not our party is fun since there will be a billion kids running around making themselves sick off cake and ice cream and all will be right with the world.

Here's where I realized I need to start reaching out to friends here, because they will hopefully to become our extended family. Jason and I both are perfectly content sitting at home every single weekend doing nothing, but that doesn't get you great friends either.

Here's where I also realized that mommy needs to grow up and quit getting so emotional about these things.

Having a baby was supposed to make me grow up, but it's only made me an emotional wreck when it comes to anything 'my baby is growing up' related. And that is what is happening. Every single day. He learns something new, he hugs me tighter, he melts my heart. Anyone who is reading this already knows I am crazy. I mean, I already think about the day he gets married and leaves his mommy. Seriously crazy. (But that day does terrify me!)

Thank goodness I still have at least a good 17 years left with my sweet boy before any of that happens. So for now, I'll try to focus on each day and remind myself to hug him as tight as I can for as long as he'll let me.

Jason - Month 16

I always remember the 13th of every month. Partly because it reminds me that I'm another month older, but mostly because it's another month of alive-ness for my husband. So we're sixteen months out from when our lives changed forever, and it feels like it's been five years already.

We had another group Thanksgiving at our house, like we did two years ago. Most of our Army friends have PCS'd away, but a few remain, and it was wonderful to get together with everyone in a pretty low key dinner. Jason cooked the turkey, and did a fabulous job. 

A couple of nights later, we were all asleep and Jason shot up out of nowhere which startled and woke me. Before I could ask him what was wrong or grab his arm, he was on the floor screaming. Apparently he had some sort of dream or nightmare, and he got up to try to walk, and went to step with his right leg which of course has no foot, so 225lbs landed on the nub, which happens to have fairly sharp bone underneath there. It's not made to support that much weight either. Needless to say, the fall woke him, but he couldn't control his pain. I was on the floor next to him within seconds, and my heart was racing. I didn't know what to do for him. We tried ice, but it was way too sensitive and he couldn't have anything touch it. I fed him motrin, and got him back in bed. The next day it was bruised, and obviously sore, but he could still walk which was encouraging. No one pushed him to get an x-ray, and I didn't either for a couple weeks.

In hindsight, I wish I had pushed it. And I wish his nurse case manager had too. There should be a standard of care for lower limb amputees, that if they fall on the residual limb it is an automatic x-ray whether you like it or not. I made him go a couple weeks later when he showed me a fluid filled perfect circle on the edge of his nubby. Thank goodness there was no broken bone. They think maybe there was some scar tissue that was knocked loose and was floating around in there though. 

On a slow day at work, I decided I'd had enough of Jason not getting any prosthetic care. For some reason I had let it go far too long. I don't know if it was being busy with Cooper, work, or just life, but I let that one get away from me, and I definitely shouldn't have. In my defense, he shouldn't have either. It's hard for me to explain to him how important it is that he take care of that leg, because it is much more prone to infection and injury. And if anything happens to it, he won't be able to wear his leg, and there goes walking or driving for who knows how long. It's kind of a big deal. Our house is definitely NOT handicapped accessible, is two stories, and they don't make baby gates with openings wide enough for wheel chairs, that's for sure. But, in his eyes, I'm being too mothering or I'm nagging if I ask/tell him to take care of his leg. "I knowwwww, I've got this under control..." is the answer I usually get. 

Anyway, I googled prosthetists in the area and got quite a few results which is interesting since at the WTU, they told him he'd have to go to Denver for his care. They were "trying" to get him an appointment with the VA in Denver which was going no where. His nurse case manager called, I called, he called, you never got to speak to an actual person, and then they would call us back and say "we'll call you in the next 4 days with an appointment." Four days would come and go and still we wouldn't hear back. I called a few places in the area and one woman talked to me for at least 30 minutes about the process to get him care there, and the processes we'd have to go through. Sounded easy enough which pissed me off that they've waited this long and it could have been done in the area in less than a week. It was 8 months of no prosthetic care! Completely unacceptable. This woman even gave me all of the Tricare insurance codes so that instead of having the initial appointment and then deciding what supplies he might need, and having to put in for approval for all those supplies and then coming back a second time to get them, he could just get it all done the first time. We went, and were there for two hours while they adjusted and measured and figured out a plan of care. They decided the way his scar is healing may require a revision which stresses me out a tad thinking about recovery time. It would only be a couple weeks provided the procedure went well. But the time daddy is out of commission or using his crutches around the house (I hate seeing him come down the stairs on his crutches, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next fall) would be a little stressful with a pre toddler. It is doable, and if it needs to be done, it needs to be done. His scar never healed cleanly, there's one part that kind of folded in on itself, and while all of the skin is closed, there is a big cavern that can open and close when he puts his leg in his socket and it can be painful for him. He also worries about infection there. 

My brother, the connection connoisseur and triathlete met a double amputee who completed two Ironman races at one of his triathlon events. He struck up a conversation, exchanged emails, and he referred us to his leg guy in Denver. Turns out, this guy used to work at Walter Reed, and actually adjusted Jason a couple times while his normal prosthetist was out. So, if all else fails, we can suck up the drive, and go see someone who we know will be great. Small world, though huh!

We opted to stay in Colorado for Christmas, and thank goodness, because we're struggling to budget ourselves with this new (and less!) income. With talk of baby #2 in the near future, budgeting and money is a daily conversation in our house. I can't say I enjoy it much at all. Mom Mom and Pop Pop came out to see us instead, so my mom has kept Jason busy. It was a culture shock for him at first, but now he enjoys all the productivity...or so he says. 

We are planning a beach trip next summer, and I am already looking forward to that after missing it the last two summers, I am more than ready to be down there. More than ready. 

Jason completed his first college class and I am so proud of him! It only took us four years of arguing for him to start. Once he started, he got the bug, and now he's so excited. It was an 8 week class held on post so it was a night class which sucked with my work schedule, but we survived it. It was a preliminary English class since he didn't quite test out of it in the placement test, but he got an A, did all his homework on time, and never slacked or took the easy way out for projects. I am excited for him for next semester because he's signed up for two classes this time, and they're at the actual campus instead. I think he'll feel much better being there, where it's less Army and more regular students. He'll have morning classes twice a week, and I think he'll do great. He's hoping to go to school full time once he gets out of the Army and I'm sure that will be pretty hard, but I think we can make it through :) 

His formal hearing for his VA rating is 5 February where he'll do a video conference and explain to them why he believes he deserves 100% disability rating instead of the 80% they gave him initially. I think I am to go with him and explain how this injury affects our every day life. We're more worried about 15-20 years down the road, and how his body will deteriorate faster and his mobility will decrease much quicker than normal. Hopefully it goes well because that's how we're basing our financial decisions for the future right now. 

This time last year, we were at home and Jason was withdrawing from whatever medication he was still on, but I think it was one of his last ones. I remember him laying in bed all day with fever, chills, and nausea, and convinced he was getting sick. We were sleeping late, napping, and eating a lot of wonderful home cooking anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first baby. Long gone are the days of sleeping late and napping! But we have a wonderful boy in exchange for that. 

This month, we're excited to celebrate our first Christmas in this house, and as a family of three. 

Happy Holidays to you and yours! xoxo