whirlwind

The last 24 hours have been an absolute whirlwind! I finally got in to see Jason around 2300 last night, the 17th of August. The Army officials picked me up in their big black shiny government car, and I felt like a celebrity, although this was not the case. They helped me check in to the hotel (I'm staying on base - within walking distance of the hospital) And then they brought me to the hospital. We wandered around a little, and then we finally found his room. He had told me he had a roommate, so I was worried that I would wake him too. When I finally got to his room, I totally didn't react like I thought I would or should. I just walked right over to him and kissed him - he smelled like betadine and was orange all over from it. Poor thing probably hadn't had his teeth brushed in forever, but I didn't care. He was sound asleep, but woke up when I got there. It took him a few minutes to come to, and figure out that we were together again.

He said, "You can look at it, it's ok." So I did. Nothing different, just no foot. It was all just so surreal to see him like this, in this state, where he cannot do a thing for himself. He hates it. He wants to get in a wheel chair and go outside. Today he said "I need to get up and clean this room, it's a mess." I said, "Honey, I don't think you'll need to worry about that for a while!"

So, I stayed with him all night - I'm sure not the best idea I ever had, but I couldn't stand to leave him. Plus, I had no idea how to get back to the hotel, and while I could've asked, I just didn't feel like it. I was starving, but of course the DFAC closed (although it does open here around midnight!) so I asked to raid the pantry - I took two chocolate milks - they have the kind we used to have at our hospital, that taste like milkshakes almost :) They have 3 real refrigerators, all dedicated to patient food! This impressed me because at home, we always have to tell patients not to put their food in our fridges for infection control or whatever it is. So I was excited to be able to have stuff here to snack on. They had huge deep freezer with popsicles and healthy choice tv dinners - I almost took one, but I felt too bad. So I settled for saltines, graham crackers, and peanut butter. I know, terrible diet for baby. I've just been so distracted, by the time I realize I'm hungry, I'm like ravenous and everything is always closed.

He insisted that I sleep in the bed that his roommate no longer occupied - hospital beds freak me out, as well as going to the bathroom in his room - not like anyone else uses it, but still - it just weirds me out for some reason. So, I stayed up in the chair, dozed off a couple times, but had to readjust a lot because my bum kept falling asleep, so then that would wake him up. We'd talk for a few minutes, and then he'd fall back asleep. He's getting Seroquel at night, and that really seems to knock him out. He loves it! He's really struggling with pain in his left arm during the day.

I knew the morning would be super busy - I knew I would pay for this later.

So around 0530, the Dr's start making their rounds. This first guy looked like he was about 10. But whatever, I've had patients ask me that too. Overall, he had at least 20 different people in here throughout the day. Apparently there are the doctors who worked on his lower extremities, and the doctors that specialize in hands, and the trauma team, and ophthalmology, and a pain team, and anesthesia, and behavioral health. All in here in different times, pretty much asking all the same questions, but none of them could ever answer ours. It's a teaching hospital - the halls are packed during the day with groups of people making rounds on everyone, and then talking about them in the hall way.

He complained of weird sensations or feelings after pushing his epidural button, and somehow they got hallucinations out of that. And, of course no answer as to why - he said "Well, I can have psych come consult with him." I'm thinking - "WTF? It's obviously because of the amount of drugs, mixture, or whatever, it's not like he's just sitting here perfectly healthy imagining shit!" So he asked him to turn the epidural down a little to see - but still no real answer.

He told me yesterday he wanted people here all the time, that he was so super bored just sitting in bed al day. But today, after all the hullabaloo with doctors, nurses, cnas, corpsmen (whatever they are), and family, I think he was over it. But he didn't tell me this until after I had already returned a ton of messages saying "Sure, come visit!" Oops. Oh well. I think he wants to wait until he's able to move around a little more first. But he definitely still wants to see those really cloes friends and family. These rooms are tiny, I'm spoiled. You can hardly maneuver around the bed. He's got a tv on wheels like they used to have in elementary school, so that takes up about half the room. These chairs are the most uncomfortable things ever. It's crazy because I keep looking around thinking - "This is where I'll spend my days for the next few weeks!" But they are supposed to move him to a floor that was just redone and has all private rooms. So that will be nice.

He's on contact precautions, which I think they all are when they first get here - because of the bacteria that stupid country has I guess. Ha, I really don't know, obviously for bacteria, but I'm not sure if it's because of all the junk that got blasted in to his wounds or what. But hopefully he'll come off those soon - personally, I think these yellow gowns are worthless, and a waste of money!

So the medical stuff - he's got three wound vacs - one on his left bicep, left shin area, and obviously on the right lower extremity where the amputation is. I hated wound vacs in nursing school - I remember having to follow the lady around and watch her change the dressings. Gross. And they just look so painful, although the only one that I can see is his left bicep one - the others are covered with ACE wraps. He will likely be in surgery M/W/F until all the wounds are closed, supposed to be pounding calories in between. So we've already had McDonald's, and I just got him a regular (like kids) cheeseburger - and he couldn't even finish that. Anyone who knows my husband knows this is not normal. Ever. But he's not moving around much to have an appetite. It's a catch-22. I'm making them get him an air mattress tomorrow while he's in surgery - he has never been turned, and I can't do it by myself. It's hard to do anyway since he can't really turn on his left side because of that arm. He is young though, so his skin isn't terrible. But he's also sweaty, so there is moisture under there. Poor thing hasn't pooped since he left Afghanistan - and again, anyone who knows my husband, knows this is not normal either. They took the central line that was placed in Kandahar out today, and put in two IV's, hopefully a PICC soon. He's got an epidural for his legs, nerve block for his arm, and a PCA. Plus the PRN meds I'm trying to stay on top of.

The liaison came and talked to me today, along with SFAC, and finance (although by that time I was so out of it tired, I couldn't pay attention anymore). He's been a great help - but the contradicting stories are already starting. He's now telling me I may not be able to move our stuff back here, or that he won't be getting any PCS orders to here. Technically he's still attached to Fort Carson, and it may stay that way depending on how he's doing. What?! How the HELL are we supposed to try getting back to a normal family life with a baby coming in 5 months if we have none of or belongings and no real 'home'?! "Try not to think about that right now" he says. Ha. Do you know who you're talking to?!

An old high school friend came by tonight, who works for one of the WTU's at Fort Belvoir and was giving Jason a lot of good info about what to expect after things start settling down. He explained all the different routes his career could go, and they all sound very promising. As long as he stays motivated and wants to stay in the Army, hopefully they will go out of their way to keep him.

His mom got in from England this afternoon and sat with him for a while too, so it was nice to see her. I finally made myself leave and slept for a couple hours, but it definitely wasn't enough.

He's so peacefully sleeping now, I hate to wake him, but I'm going to wipe him down with whatever these wipes are they gave me because of his surgery tomorrow. I don't know if they've assumed I'm a nurse, or have some sort of medical background because no one has asked, but they are treating me like I know what I'm doing. Which I like. It took a little adjusting in the first few hours - he doesn't want me asking questions to the doctors until they're completely finished. He feels like when I ask questions, they talk to me, and not him, and he doesn't feel a part of the conversation even though it's about him. Understandable. But hard for me. So I'm trying to make sure he asks all the questions he has first, and then ask mine. But it's true, once you ask them a question, they just start talking to you, and not the patient. I hope I never did that.

And still, at least every 5 minutes, I think to myself "I can't believe I'm here right now, in this moment, with my husband, with no leg, and this is our life."