Random Thoughts

The day isn't over yet. In fact, it hasn't really started for me, I'm still in bed. But I had a few random thoughts that I wanted to put on here.

Like, my new obsession with legs. Two legs. Everyone has two legs. Well, not everyone. But most everyone. I just watch people walk around, especially men (not like that), especially since it's summer time and everyone is wearing shorts. I look at their calf muscles, how symmetrical their legs are, if they have tattoos on them. I wonder if they realize how easy they have it just because they have two legs. Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed for the first time, I think of Jason when both of my feet hit the carpet. I wonder how he will get in the shower, do you put your leg on and get in and then take it off? Then put it back on before you get out again? Will we have to find somewhere to live with a walk in shower? Minor things. I do see people with long pants on and wonder if any of them have a prosthesis under there. I wonder what it will be like when we go to the beach. Do they make special prosthesis for this sort of thing? Will they it rust if it gets wet? What about the sand getting in between his stump (what is the politically correct term for that?) and the prosthesis? This is probably very ignorant of me.

I never intended this blog to upset people. I received many messages that as people were reading my blog, they were crying. I hope I am not coming across as pitiful. I don't want people to feel sorry for us for the rest of our lives, and I really know that Jason won't want that. It has just been a way for me to record my thoughts as I'm going through this process. I think it will be interesting to get Jason's perspective when he's up to it. And I know baby/grown son will enjoy looking back on this. At least I hope he will.

I'm feeling a little more bitter than I'd like to. When I see people's posts on Facebook sometimes I just think "Your life is so hard." (In a sarcastic tone of course) - so don't get on Facebook Stephanie - yeah right, anyone who knows me knows I'm addicted to that damn website. It's just crazy to me that our world is currently upside down (not in a bad way, but I do feel like one of those flip sand timers, and ours just got flipped over, and we are starting all over again) and everyone else just goes on like normal. Duh, why wouldn't they. Their life still is normal. Maybe ours will be too, one day. But probably not. People can go on with their daily routines without being affected, because they're not. I don't know why I think the world will stop because this happened to us. It happens a lot, unfortunately.

I look at pictures and think "I wonder what we would've done if we had known that 3 months, 4 months, or a year later, he'd have no right leg." I got a pedicure yesterday and thought about the time I made him go with me to get one, and he was so embarrassed, but handled it like a real man :) I guess he won't feel up to that any more.

I think about all the bad people out there, in our own country, who are just ignorant, or assholes, but usually both - and get angry. I get angry because all I can think is "My husband lost his leg for you? Really? You're an asshole. And you don't even realize."

Will Sadie still see him as her daddy? Or will she spot the differences and be unsure?

We're not a religious couple. And I don't know if this is going to make him want to be religious, or push away from it even more. It could go both ways. But, I did ask God if he was sure he put Jason with the right person when he married me. This is a hard situation for anyone to handle, and quite frankly I don't really feel equipped to handle it. We must have come together for reasons bigger than ourselves. We created a beautiful baby boy, and now we have to find our purpose in this new challenge. I fear this will be hard for him, as his career and life path has never been clear to him. But then, who is it clear to? I guess this is where faith comes in to play, and that, I know, is a struggle for me. I can only imagine how it will be for him.

I assume these are all normal feelings. And I should know all the stages of grief, but I don't remember them. I'm pretty sure I'm still in the denial stage, which I think is the first one.

I started packing last night, all still so surreal. I'm going to see my husband. I wasn't supposed to see him until January, and he was going to get home and we would have our baby at Evans, and all would be perfect. I knew the nurses and doctors who would deliver me, specifically requested one pediatrician to do the circumcision (hey, important things - I've seen some bad circs!), knew how the hospital worked, and what to expect. I would be at home for a few months with the baby just in time for him to return for good, and we would start our beautiful life as a family of three, together.

We will still have a beautiful life as a family of three, I suppose it just started sooner than I expected. I can be thankful it happened when it did, I still have 20 weeks left in this pregnancy. 20 weeks to get Jason back on his 'feet' and prepare for baby.

But, as I was packing, all I could look at was his closet full of shoes. How will this work? Can he still wear flip flops? Or should I just give them all away so he doesn't see them and get depressed that he can't wear them any more? He's got some old issued Army boots in there still (he never wore the issued boots, they're apparently terrible), I might leave them for a while.

If nothing else, now, when I see two shoes sitting somewhere (which is everywhere in my house), I immediately think of Jason, alone still, without one foot, and what he is feeling like.