naptime

It's nap time in room 461...as soon as I arrived today, around 11:30, Jason was already in his wheel chair, and had already been to physical therapy for the morning. He was ready to leave again. We went over to building 62 for a while, ate lunch there, and got a bunch of paperwork sorted. I have to submit a ton of notarized forms to the Colorado DMV in order to renew my registration from out of state. Who knew. I thought I could just do it online. Not so much. Hopefully it gets mailed back to me in time! Oh, the joys.

We ran in to his inpatient case manager - who tells us "Those people are idiots. You're going to stay here for a long time." Great. Ugh.

Let me back up a little.

I went home for the weekend - and I think I blogged from there once. I wrote about how sad I was that we wouldn't get our stuff, and how annoyed I was with the runaround. But, I tried to enjoy the weekend at home as much as possible. My pup helped with that. She didn't growl at me, but did bark when I came in the door. I don't know if she was excited to see me because I was excited to see her, or what, but the greeting went well. (We usually have issues with her and strangers, and especially if people don't feel comfortable, she can sense that and gets a little protective, but never aggressive.) She slept in my room all weekend, which was fine, except that when Mom got up in the middle of the night and she heard the noises, she started barking...which is not a very fun awakening. It will be interesting to see how she will react when we finally have her back, and she hears the baby crying in the middle of the night. I can just picture it - like in the movies - when the baby starts, the dog starts, and then the baby gets even louder...hmm. Maybe Jason won't be able to use the "I slept through it" excuse ;) By the end of the weekend, I had adjusted to the fact that our things would be in that house for a good while.

So, I drive my car back up to Bethesda on Sunday afternoon, and come up to see Jason. His dad, grandparents and friends from high school all visited him over the weekend, so he was definitely not lonely. In conversation he says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, SFC Brown said he talked to Gypso (don't know the correct acronym for that) and they'll ship whatever you want out here, and store the rest." So, naturally, I stress. I mean, really? I just got OK with the fact that all our stuff will stay out there with the exception of whatever I choose to send back myself. And now you're telling me the opposite, AGAIN?! So. Over. It.

That night was rough, for both of us. I was so upset, I was angry. I was angry at Jason because we're in this situation, and then I was angry at myself because I was angry at him, and that's not fair, it's not his fault. I also looked up the car registration stuff, and realized I had to go to the DMV in person since I never updated our address when we moved to Fountain. So, it's Sunday and I can't call anyone, so I'm stressing about that too. I'm even more mad at myself because I didn't take care of that sooner. But why would I have known to do that. I hope this situation doesn't make me more annoying than I already am. I worry about so much, and now I'm just going to worry about more because I know what it's like to have everything change in an instant. I hope I can just learn to live life as it comes, like I'm supposed to be learning to do right now...

Anyway, he was upset because he's in this situation of course, upset that he brought me in to it, and he's tired of being in the hospital, tired of being in pain, and just wants to go back to the way it was, even if that means he's in Afghanistan. At this point, we both wish he was back in Afghanistan. I would take that over this any day. After we both got our feelings out, I slept in the room with him most of the night, until about 5, when I decided I should go try to get some real sleep since I knew I had to get back in order to take care of a few things during normal business hours. While I was lying next to him though, he got to feel the baby a lot. A lot more than normal. Like so much that it freaked him out! haha, he said "Are you sure there's not an alien in there?" Nice. He always moves a ton when I lay flat, and I so wish Jason was next to me, able to feel him. This time he was, thankfully. He was doing summersaults in there I think.

So today, when we saw his case manager over at 62, and he explained everything again - all the opposite of what we've already been told a million times. I'm just so done! Finally, after a month of this, I've learned to just stop asking. I'm just going to wait until he goes outpatient, and try to figure it out from there. The only thing I need everyone to realize is that there comes a time when I won't be able to fly. But, I still have a good while for that. Our house does need to be winterized soon though, but I know people will help me there if I ask. I just hate asking.

Today, it's been a month since he stepped on that land mine. Crazy how time flies. I look at all the other wives whose husbands are still deployed where Jason was, and I so wish I could be counting down the months with them instead of counting up the months he's been here, or without a leg. "I've only had one leg for a month already" he says today. Is that how we're going to count now? I also realized I will be married to an amputee longer than we weren't married. It's not like this happened in old age because of neuropathy or something, this happened barely over a year after we got married, and we're both still so young. I suppose that will make it easier to adjust, right? I just worry (shocker) about long term care - like when we're 60 and grandparents - will it give him more trouble than it should? Will it cause problems he normally wouldn't have had to deal with? Most likely. All part of the adjustment I guess.

His phantom pains are pretty bad these days. He says they're usually okay while he's up in his wheelchair, but it seems like when he tries to go to sleep, they really act up and he can't sleep. Hopefully they'll get under control soon, or when he starts walking on that leg, hopefully it will start to desensitize a little more.

Skin graft on fingers tomorrow - hopefully the last surgery for a long, long time!! Let's all hope the grafts take, I've heard fingers are really hard, and very finicky. That is the only thing keeping him inpatient right now, really. Once this heals, and hopefully works, we'll get to move over to 62! And hopefully be able to focus a little more on baby coming :)

I've been thinking a lot about what I would tell other wives in this situation. I really should make a list. But, unfortunately as a medical professional, I also know every situation is so, so different. And I totally hate it when they give me that line. But, it is true.

He's still asleep - it's like conditioning to get back to a normal life! Today he was out for about 5 hours - he came back and fell asleep and has been ever since, about 1.5 hrs later...he said "It's like I'm a baby again!" I said, "Yep, you and baby will have to nap every 3 hours!" We will definitely be a well rested family, that's for sure...