excuses

What a yucky day. It was actually chilly here, and rained all day. Not to mention, my day started off in the pooper. I was supposed to go to this Family Orientation meeting this morning, and walked all around BFE looking for it, calling everyone I knew to call, and they were all telling me to go different places. So, while wondering around, I ran in to our social worker, thank goodness, who showed me where to go - which I never would have found on my own. But no one was there. So no family orientation meeting. I had emailed our social worker last week about coming to check on us - I think I mentioned this in one of my previous posts. And when she asked how I was doing, again, I was on the verge of tears from the frustrations of this morning. I explained to her how I learned of all the things I was supposed to be doing, but didn't know about. She walked with me to find the lady who works for SFAC, and got some questions answered, but it still doesn't make it any easier. The reality of it is, I just don't want to do these things I'm required to do. That sounds bad, and lazy, but it's just irritating. I told her that. "Right now, at this moment, I am the only one here for him, and I can't be here for him if I'm running around in circles trying to figure out all the other crap I have to do." Again, I found myself overwhelmed, and irritated with everything. So, that set the tone for the day.

I never made it back over to Building 62 like I had planned, to turn in all the paperwork I need to do. It rained all day long. I really was being selfish, and wanted Jason to come with me so he could hopefully see where we'll be living, and also so he could just be there to listen in case I miss anything, or don't understand something, which these days is quite often. But, because of the rain, Jason was too nervous to go outside. So, I just didn't go either. I did pay two bills though, so that's promising! Must go tomorrow though, if I plan to go home this weekend.

I'll have to turn in the paperwork for Jason's mom to come back in a couple weeks, fill out another travel voucher, turn in direct deposit form (which I already did once), sign in with casualty affairs, fill out a leave form since I am going home, and I'm sure some other things I'm forgetting. I just think it's ridiculous that soldiers families have to deal with all this bullshit while caring for their loved one at the same time. I'm sure the DOD could figure out how to micromanage just a little bit more and find someone to do this monotonous job for the sake of the families sanity.

On one good note - we're down to one wound vac. He went to the PACU today and was put under conscious sedation (I assume) and had the wound vac from his left leg removed. He said they told him the skin graft took completely, so that's great. They weren't really worried about that one though. I think they're more worried about his fingers. He will have the wound vac on there until next Monday at the earliest when they might skin graft those. It's still where most of his pain is, and we actually got to see his hand for the first time today. By default though. The geniuses who replaced the wound vac and rewrapped his arm, put the splint on upside down. So he had this nice little wing on his upper arm where it should've been on his hand instead. We went down to PT and they unwrapped everything for him and fixed it. But that was the first time we've seen that arm since he got here. The arm is fine, it's just the fingers and palm that look pretty mangled. His fingers are still all swollen, and he's got a nice big black blood blister on the palm of his hand, and some sutures in his wrist. They said he was cleared to do range of motion in his wrist, but I'm not sure how that's possible with how it was looking. So she said he could hold off on that for a little longer. I do know it will be really stiff whenever he does start doing it. His skin graft site is still weeping, and looking pretty gross. He's convinced it's infected, but it's not. He also finally got the staples out of his left upper leg today after about the 15th time asking the docs. They were overdue to come out, for sure.

I texted mom and told her I should probably come home soon. I don't know if it was the weather or what - that's my main excuse - but I was a misery to be around today. Which isn't fair, because I took Jason down with me. Then we were kind of at each others throats all day. But not really, because that's never the case with us. It's usually just him being insanely patient and calm while I get irritated and snap at him. don't.deserve.him.

So my plan as of now, is to get Dad to bring Sadie up here Thursday and spend a little time with Jason, and then take me home with him. Now, when I think about leaving, instead of earlier when I was going from 0 to 60 in being angry, I get nervous. I don't want to leave him for too long. I can always come back, I know that, but I just feel bad.

I've been reading everything I can about cloth diapering. Still haven't decided. Jason says he'll do it if I really want to, but he thinks it won't be that much more cost effective. I was trying to explain it to him, but it's hard because I don't know enough about it myself. I was looking in to the hybrid systems where you can use a cloth insert or a disposable insert, and that's where he said it just doesn't sound like it makes sense. I can see his point, and since I'm already teetering, it's really hard to be convinced. I just never have any strong feelings about anything. People can usually convince me to do anything (like streak the quad) - which probably isn't one of my strongest suits. I should be more convicted about certain things. I wish I could be.

I decided I hated our living room furniture not even a year after we got it, after convincing him that my choice was better, I also still second guess our dog's name choice (which was mostly mine again) - so I'm really struggling with giving a human a name that they will be called for the rest of their lives. So you can imagine how the decision to cloth diaper would be a hard one for me who is trying to be more financially aware, but also realistic about what I will actually follow through with.

My clothes are getting tighter, and that also added to todays funk. I wish there was a 24hr fitness close by. I hate working out, but I think I need to do it. I know I don't need a gym for that, either. But just sitting here, eating fast food or candy, and then having all the time in the world to think about how terrible I'm eating, and how I'm not working out, makes my already low self confidence just spiral downward. Not something I need for the sake of Jason who cannot be responsible for my emotional well being right now. He's got his own laundry list of things to worry about.

Speaking of laundry. I need to do it. I'm going to try to hold out until I go home. And, who knew there were "wash routines" for cloth diapers. I had no idea. It makes it that much more overwhelming. Maybe not the best time to try to tackle something so new? Or is that just another excuse?!