Midnight

I'm sitting here watching Jurassic Park with the computer lying on my belly - and watching this baby make the computer move with all his kicking. He's up at midnight like clock work. This is not good. Still, can't wait for him. I can. But, I'm excited for his arrival. We're pretty set on one name, but I'm not fully convinced yet. I think Jason felt him move tonight, but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be feeling. It will be easier when he can lay in bed next to me and just watch my belly move, but we can't even do that yet.

Jason and I have decided we're ready to go back to a normal life now. This sucks. No more silly arguments about where we should go for dinner. "What do you feel like eating?" "I don't know." "Ok, how about ____." "Nah, I don't really feel like eating that." "Ok, well what do you feel like eating?" "I don't know..." and from there the argument usually ensued :)

But, no more of that. Now it's all talk about land mines and what they look like and how you find them. Or about whatever surgery we had today, I think it was his 8th. Or when can we get in a wheelchair, or go outside, or get the epidural turned off, or get out of this stupid room. No more normal every day talk. Can't really play cards, he only can use his right hand right now. We Facebook a little, and I teach him how to use his new phone. Then we try to figure out something for dinner because the hospital food is stereotypically terrible. By the time I realize we don't have any plans for dinner, it's too late to call one of the millions of people who have so kindly offered to bring us a meal. I need to make a schedule.

We decided that this is worse than deployment. He's here. And I'm here. But we're still sleeping in separate beds, and I can't even get a real hug from him. I have to leave every night. Well I don't have to, but I make myself. Trust me, I've tried to get in that bed with him, even just to lay next to him. But the couple times I've tried, it makes him slide down for some reason, and then all his tubes are in the way and then I'm wedged between him and the side rail and I can't move and we still can't really snuggle. I just keep picturing all the patients I walked in on in the middle of the night sleeping in bed with their husbands, and thought I'd be able to be that annoying spouse. Guess not. Instead, I'll just tell them how to do their jobs for now.

Tomorrow is hygiene day. Poor thing hasn't showered since who knows when. He already takes the longest showers I've ever seen someone take - I can only imagine how long this next one will be, whenever that is. So for now, it's just bed baths. Good thing his wife knows how to give those :)

We joked that we'd make a hand out for people when they come - to answer any questions so we wouldn't have to go through that conversation every time.

Probably the smartest thing I ever did was bring home all my scrub pants. I thought they'd be one of those things I'd never wear but I packed them anyway, but really, they're the most comfortable pants I have besides pajamas, and I'd look like a slob wearing those every day. I only wear the pants though, I figured if I wore the tops, that might be a little too much. I mean, they look like half way normal pants. Just in brighter colors.

One of my friends might visit tomorrow afternoon. Yay! It's been so hard with family wanting to visit, I've felt like I can't have any of my friends visit. I don't want to leave him up here, he doesn't get to leave, and at least I can walk around and leave the hospital, that's fine with me. I'm generally a loner I guess, and I really don't mind being by myself or just sitting in the room with him. I'm not one of those people that has to be doing something all the time (although I am worrying about something all the time). I like the solitude every now and then. I'm sure it will get old eventually, and I will have my car soon and be able to go other places. So maybe I'll take a drive down to good ol KG, but not right now. He's just now been here a week!

So, tomorrow will likely be another relaxed day, and I'm excited for that.

SSG Searles?

Not much to post about today, but I'm sure I'll still write a book.

I just posted this on Facebook - but I'll say it again here - IF MY HUSBAND DOESN'T GET PROMOTED SOON, THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WISH I DIDN'T EXIST. I'm so serious it's not even funny. In order to get promoted they have to pass a board - he did that last October - almost a freaking year he's been waiting for this. Then he has to make points - they get points for everything, classes, awards, civilian education, deployment time, etc. He has around 440 I think, but not sure exactly. The point requirements for each rank change each month based on the need. Well, he made points for August - meaning he should've been promoted on the 1st. SOMEONE didn't do their job and update whatever was supposed to be updated in the right amount of time, and so it didn't qualify him. WTF. I've told everyone I can tell - supposedly some Sergeant Major is "tracking it" (i love how the army always says that stupid shit) - the RearD CO knows, and our liaison here knows.

The points for September came out today, and they're back up to 458, so I don't think he made it, unless they count the purple heart (which from googling I think is worth 30 points, so that will make a huge difference) - but I doubt the Army will be able to update anything in a timely manner. So, you better believe I'll be on the phone to these *choice words* people soon. Like probably tomorrow.

Really? I mean, REALLY? Because some dumbass private didn't do his stupid little job that requires the mental capacity of a 2 year old, my husband gets screwed? And then goes out and does his job just like any other day even though he got totally screwed, and then gets even MORE screwed, and he still doesn't get what he freaking earned. It's not even like I'm asking for a consolation prize because he stepped on a freaking land mine - he EARNED this! I mean, I'm sure I don't know all the inner workings of it all - but I know what is right. And that is not right. Ugh. Can you tell this ruffles my feathers a tad?! ha.

We got a(nother) new room today. On a different floor, that's all completely redone. I find it hilarious that these giant governmental organizations are so incredibly unorganized. I feel like I could do a better job. The logistics are just...not there. It's so ironic that we are doing this same thing at work (well my old work) on a much smaller scale by merging two units - and here they're merging the Army and the Navy - and the organization is just as poor. We moved in to a private room, no complaints there. But no internet, not sure how the TV works, crap is still unplugged everywhere, no boards to write the nurses names on. Little things, but things I think are important. Because now there will likely be a gaggle of people in and out doing 'finishing touches'. Just get the shit done, and then move everyone. What's so un-logical about that? If that's a word. And yes, we can live without internet and TV - but when you've been stuck in the hospital for weeks, these things are necessary for patients sanity!!

We experienced our first earthquake today - and it's been the only thing on the news since. Geez. Schools are closed and everything. How ridiculous. Jason was convinced this is the end of the world. He said "Where do I go? You guys can all at least just run somewhere! The whole lower half of my body is numb! I'd be screwed!" Joking of course. But still, just what we need this week - for a building to collapse around us. Go figure.

Mom visited for the evening, so that was nice. She made us some Shepherd's Pie. Yum.

Surgery tomorrow. Wash out and wound vac replacement. Maybe vac removal from left bicep if wound looks approximated enough. Mostly left hand manipulation though, maybe replacing the pins, and adding a new layer of integra that will then get a skin graft two weeks from tomorrow. He got discouraged with this, thinking this recovery is taking much longer than he had hoped. It looks like the other two guys that this happened to, are already outpatient and in rehab now, and it may be a long while before he gets to that point because of his hand injury and the effect it will have on his PT and OT. But I suspect that they will get him up in a wheel chair this week sometime.

I saw a guy with one leg on a segway smoking a cigarette today. Side note. Pick your battles I guess :)

He turns 25 Saturday - yay! Lower car insurance, although I'm thinking about calling them anyway because I have no idea when he'll be driving again. Lots of family visitors again. I'm really hoping to try to get him outside so we can bring the dog up to see him. Who knows.

Another good day for the most part - I hope to get an OB appointment soon, just to kind of get in the system here. I assume I'll be delivering here now. Bummer. Never thought I'd be bringing a baby 'home' to on base housing - or wherever we are by then - but I think it will still be on the base somewhere :/ Ah well, at least it's paid for I guess.

Small Victories. That's what today was about.

good day

Today was a good day.

I'm sure we'll have many more good days. And many more bad days. But, today was a good day. Yay.

I honestly didn't get to the hospital until 1330, and that's only because Jason's mom called me and told me finance was there to talk to me. Thank goodness, because I was about to leave to go track them down. Still need to figure out how to pay bills via our online banking. Trust me, I'm not retarded when it comes to that stuff, but for the utility bills and stuff that is never the same every month, I'm not quite sure how that works. While his mom is here, we've kinda worked out a schedule where she comes early and sees him off to surgery, because I usually end up staying late. So I try to get here when he's in the PACU, even though I hate that place

Once we were done with finance, they called and said he was in the PACU, so we went down to see him. After about 10 minutes of me being there, the nurse said, "Well, I think he can go back to his room now!" I was thinking, oh God, please don't let him leave and have something crazy happen while we're up there. But Jason's mom said he was in immediate pain after the last surgery, and this time that wasn't an issue at all. They also didn't use ketamine for his anesthesia, and he was as normal as could be! No pain issues, no weird hallucinations, no sat dropping, nothing. Thank goodness, I was really expecting to spend the rest of the afternoon down there.

So we came back up to his new room with a different roommate, because he's no longer on contact precautions. Which he probably shouldn't have been all weekend, but infection control isn't here on the weekends to look at his cultures and clear him, of course. The thing I don't get is, his roommate from the other room who is on contact precautions was up and walking around in the halls yesterday, sitting in the family lounge all day long, with no gown or gloves on. So, what's the point? I think it's just a waste of money unless you're going to strictly enforce that, which never happens. Ha.

Post op lab draws - he was very irritated by this, since this morning they stuck him 11 times they said. Oh I only wish I had been here. He said a couple people poked him 4 times each. No thanks, you try twice and you swallow your pride and go get someone else thank you. His right arm is so bruised, and I think a little swollen still just from all the trauma, and it's the only extremity they can use for IV's and labs. Anyway this guy put the tourniquet on and I saw one from the other side of the bed! He only had to poke him once, thank goodness. But I'm pretty sure he was pissed at the people this morning and not afraid to let them know it. I've been asking about a PICC line all freaking weekend, but in a government run hospital, you can't expect anything to get done on the weekend, which really irritates me, especially in a situation like this. So the PICC team has to come by and 'consult' him - whatever that means, and then hopefully they'll do it tomorrow.

He ate his whole 6 inch sub, and said "This is sad. I'd be on my 2nd half of a foot long right now." after he was only half way in to the 6 inch. "Is this how normal people feel when they eat? This sucks!" (talking about being full so soon - ha)

We rolled him to one side, and the fan was blowing right on his butt crack, and he said "Oh man this feels good, just leave me here for a while." And he was serious. It was like what NOT to do nursing 101 - his face was smashed in to the side rail and everything, but he loved it. I scratched his back a little, assessed for those bed sores (ha!) and he really did ask me to scratch his butt - and I did - just the cheeks people.

The physical therapist came this morning I guess, I missed her. But apparently he is to be sitting as straight up as he can get when he eats his meals, and there are some exercises we're supposed to be doing to help his range of motion in his left leg and I'm not sure what else. Mostly stretching for right now, since he's just been laid up in bed this whole time. He said when he sat up straight, he got really dizzy and nauseous, but he had been NPO since midnight, so I bet it was a combination of him being hungry, and weak. She's supposedly ordering him a special wheel chair so hopefully he'll be able to get in to that soon. It's a motorized one until he gets the function back in his left hand - which apparently is going to take the longest.

Tomorrow he moves to yet another room, around 7pm. Down one floor, they've remodeled everything, and they're all private rooms. We can't wait. These rooms are retarded small.

The orthopedic surgeon in charge of his lower extremities came by today. I had never met him, but he's awesome. Looks super young, but so super nice. He even showed us pictures of what Jason's injuries looked like when he came to Bethesda. Amazing. Well, pretty shocking, but amazing. I almost asked him to send me the pictures, but I have a feeling he'll say no. I mean, these were like from the text book pretty graphic pictures - but the nurse in me must have come out because other wise I'm sure it would have freaked me out a ton. You could see his tibia and calf muscle on the inside of his left leg, a hole probably the length of a banana and the width of a grapefruit, if you can figure that one out - if I remember correctly - pretty much the entire inside of his lower leg with a couple inches to spare from his knee and ankle. Shockingly all the structures are intact, it's just a matter of getting the skin to cover the bone. They've had a wound vac on it, and it will definitely require a skin graft to cover the bone, but the wound size now is apparently like that of an orange I think. He's not excited about the skin grafting, worried about the freakish look, but I think it will be ok. Definitely a gnarly scar, and a chunk missing out of his calf, but it will be ok. He could technically be weight bearing on that leg, but since he's got the epidural, he can't yet. And his right leg, well you can imagine what that looked like. Just insane that that is actually his leg now. He keeps calling it his nub. I said "You could just say your right leg." He said "It's not a leg, it's a nub." I even asked the doctor what the politically correct term for that is - apparently it's "residual limb." Jason likes 'nub' better.

Probably if I had seen the upper part of him, like his face while lying on the operating table, that would've freaked me out a tad. So I guess I was able to separate them. But man, I really want those pictures. One day, when our son is in to gory shit, he might appreciate that. You know, take it for show and tell. Maybe not so much. Jason looked at them, didn't say much besides "Damn, that really sucks. Stupid land mines."

So hopefully within the week they'll start weaning the epidural, and get rid of it, so he can start weight bearing before his next surgery. Well, technically his next surgery is Wednesday, but they're done with his legs until the 2nd of September when they will put the skin graft on his left leg. He's worried about that pain, but we'll just take it a day at a time for now. The doctor also showed us a picture of what it looks like when it's initially placed over the wound - it's seriously like mesh, but it's skin. I didn't realize it was that open. He said they put the graft on, and then a wound vac until it all grows over and together. Crazy what they can do, and so grateful. We'll have to load that area up with sunscreen though, when we take our much anticipated beach trip next summer. Oh, I'm already planning it you see. You'd think I would've learned my lesson about planning. ha.

Apparently the fingers are going to be the problem area. It's his left ring and middle finger, both fractured and with pins in them, and will require grafts also. They tell us those grafts will be deeper skin, not just the superficial layer because of all the stretching and moving your fingers do. I wonder how it was only those two fingers that got it, what exactly happened?

When the RearD called me, they were explaining the whole process, and made it sound like he'd be inpatient for 2-3 weeks, maybe. Now, it's looking like much, much longer than that. But who knows, maybe they discharge them earlier than I think.

He met his 6 month old nephew for the first time this weekend. I can't remember if I've written about that before, but he really enjoyed that I think. He's so excited to have one running around, and crying, and making all the funny facial expressions they make. I'm sure he'll enjoy playing with him. When I was registering for stuff online, I was trying to include him in the process, and asked him which play mat thing he liked better. He said "I want one. Do they make these for big people? Or can I just get one for myself too?!" Seriously. I worry about where he'll be in his recovery when the baby does come. I hope he's pretty far along because I'm not going to be able to care for him like I am now. I hope he has the dexterity back in his fingers so he can help me change diapers. I know he'll feel terrible if he can't help. And I am scared that I'll start feeling resentment if I have to take care of my husband and baby at the same time with nothing in return. And that's not fair to anyone involved. But, I'm sure people have done it.

Of course I have the guilt. If he'd never met me, I wonder if he would've stayed in, and I wonder if he would've chosen to come to Fort Carson, and get placed with the unit he did. I wonder what kind of life he'd be living if it wasn't for me. He'd probably still have two legs and a lot less stress.

week

It's been a week since I got the news about Jason.

Today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

And, Jason is one week shy of turning 25.

Did I ever say exactly how he lost his leg?

He stepped on a land mine. They had even already probed the area.

He said if they drove over it, it probably would've just popped the tire.

Anyway, I can't figure out a good schedule to get on. On the weekends it seems better to stay with him at night, and sleep during the day because of all the family visitors. His room is like a cubicle, and he just got a roommate, so that doesn't help. He's supposed to switch rooms next week, to the 4th floor, which is all brand new, and he'll have a private room. Yes, please! But then during the week, I'll want to be with him more during the day because he'll be in and out of surgery so much. Let's face it, I want to be with him 24/7. But that is not good for me or this baby. And the last thing we need is for something to happen to this baby. I'm trying so hard to eat normally, but it's impossible. Mom brought me a ton of snacks thank goodness. But I'm still eating McDonalds way more than I want (it's the only thing within walking distance on base - and I have no car). I hate to go out to eat, and leave him to eat hospital food.

I still don't have a clear picture of his recovery time. Sounds like they might try to close his bicep wound on Monday, but then it also sounds like they are going to have to skin graft every wound but the stump, and apparently that takes a couple weeks before they'll even put one on. Worried about how thin the skin will be over his muscle, will he have enough strength in that arm with half the muscle gone? He will probably still be stronger than me.

We joked a little about it tonight. I'm glad my husband has a sense of humor. We were adjusting him in bed - Craig says "Dude, where's your foot?" (referring to his left foot which was under the blankets) And I said "In Afghanistan." Laughs. Thank goodness.

"Well you'll never have to worry about matching socks again. Think how long a pack will last now!"

He said "Man, why couldn't it have been the left leg, then Trueblood and I could've shared shoes!"

I ended up staying up with him all night last night, his pain kept creeping up, and by morning was at an 8. Our nurse last night was army, and awesome. Not as big a fan of the navy nurses so far - don't know why. Maybe I'm biased. But he got the pain team there for us first thing in the morning, and they upped the epidural dose for him which controlled it all day.

I did Nursing 101 with him this morning - never thought I'd be doing this to my husband - at least not at the ages of 24 and 27. But we had a bed bath, and a good teeth brushing. His brother shaved his face a little later. We rotated to our right side to get off our bum bum. He's a sweaty guy anyway, so lying in bed all day doesn't help. He had all the bed sheet wrinkles and creases all up and down his back side - this isn't good for skin integrity. Plus, he's got so many tubes everywhere just resting on his legs, or he's lying right on top of them, so that can be dangerous long term. It's frustrating. I feel like I have to be there all the time, or they'll forget to turn him, and he never calls for help.

I had a moment though, tonight. I was sitting there when the corpsman came in to do his vitals around midnight, and he started charting on the computer there, using Essentris, which is the same in all government run hospitals, so that's what I use too. I got jealous, and mad, and I knew exactly what he was charting, and I was thinking "I can do that. Just let me do it. And pay me." ha. I wish. I got angry - I want to go back to work. I want to feel like I'm doing something productive again. I hate that I just had to drop everything I've ever known and come be one on one with him for who knows how long. Maybe hate is a strong word, or not even the right word. But, I'm struggling with it. I always 'strongly disliked' those patients who were nurses or who had family who were nurses or doctors and would take it upon themselves to do things or ask retarded questions like they knew what they were talking about. I'm trying so hard not to do that, I am fully aware that I do NOT know it all, especially when it comes to his recovery. But, I DO know more than most. And I can't imagine what it must feel like when you have no idea how things work in the hospital. They must just take you on a runaround while your husband recovers.

Anyway, so this is so not how I pictured leaving Colorado. Who knows, maybe we'll go back out there. I was ready to leave, but not until next year! That was my plan. I do love leaving the hospital here and it's still warm outside. I don't have to wear a jacket even at night here. (for now) And it's humid, so I don't have the crazy Colorado boogers :) I love the sound of the crickets. I hate the traffic. I'm not looking forward to figuring out my way around here.

My ass is already asleep, and I've only been lying here for like 30 minutes. I can't imagine how Jason feels. He is so ready to get up, and out. He hates this, I know he does. And I do too. There are no off days. There are days when he's not in surgery, but every day, there is a new challenge. There are 3 limbs that all need serious pain control - it seems like every day a different one is uncontrolled. I'm trying to figure out when to get all the administrative stuff done - finance, bill pay, tricare, prenatal care, etc.

He did get to meet his nephew for the first time today, so that was fun. He is so excited to have a little person running around, and I'm so excited to watch him be a daddy.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

pacu

I will never work in the PACU. Let's just make that clear right now. But probably after this is all said and done, I will be able to! Today was miserable. Not really, but still a little bit. Jason went back in for surgery. When they say surgery, I really don't know what that means, and that drives me crazy. Some docs say it's for wound cleaning, some say they're working on his fingers, left, and right leg, others say it's both. I just don't really know. They did replace his wound vacs, so that's good. I think they might've shaved a tad off his bone so the skin will be able to cover his right leg. Either way, he was in there for 4 hours. And when he came out, it was scary.

I left here around 2 am - this seems to be my routine - stay late, and get in late, because other family want to visit. So, I left him, (mind you I felt like I was leaving my child all alone on the side of the road not able to fend for themselves) around 2, and fell asleep trying to find I Love Lucy by 3 (no hallmark channel on the navy base apparently). The phone started around 7am, but I ignored it for a while. There comes a point when you just have to. Maybe my point is earlier than others, but still. I just ignored it.

Finally woke up around 11 - his friend Kyle was here from his old unit in Germany. He has since gotten out of the Army and lives in New York. When I told Jason a couple of days ago he was coming, he said "I know." I was like how?! He said "I just knew he'd be here." Battle buddy camaraderie I guess :) So he brought me some pizza rolls and dr. pepper from the shopette - thank goodness, I was starving, and still no food in my new little 'home'.

By the time we got to the hospital, Jason had come out of surgery and was in the PACU. When we got there, he was completely normal. Out of it, but acting normal. His mom and Ged left for a while to get some lunch since they got up early to be with him when he went to surgery. Kyle and I stayed with him, and that's when things got a little weird.

I don't deal with postop patients - so this freaked me out, and more so because it was my husband, and I've never seen him do anything weird (unless he's been drinking). His pain was out of control to begin with, so that didn't help. His blood pressure was 200s/110s, and then he started involuntarily twitching his head, but saying "I'm not doing that on purpose, make it stop!" And then, "No, no, no, etc - don't take my head too!" (I think he was referring to TBI, he was afraid he is going to have permanent brain damage, although he hasn't exhibited any symptoms of it yet) The nurses asked him his pain level - he rolled his eyes and said "160". "Well what kind of pain?" Again, the eye roll, "It feels like I'm stepping on that fucking land mine over and over again." I can sympathize with the pain scale question - it's a requirement - but god almighty they asked it like every 2 minutes, and I'm not even lying. So obviously you need to do something about this pain. They pushed dilaudid and fentanyl I think. No relief.

At this point, the weird stuff started happening. Stuff I'm not used to seeing, because where I work, everyone is coherent, and virtually healthy. As his head was twitching, his pupils got completely constrict, and he started stuttering and whispering all at once.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Jason Graham Searles" (all whispering and stuttering and twitching)

"Where are you?"

"Hospital"

"What country are you in?"

"Afghanistan"

"No, you're in the United States. Who's that lady beside you?"

(after a minute of trying to turn his head to look at me)

"The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. But I'm not Jason. This is Cooper."

I said, "Cooper is what you wanted to name our baby, is that who it is?"

"No, I'm Cooper. The baby is Owen. Jason isn't here right now. Jason will be back in 25 seconds."

And he fell asleep.

And literally, 20ish seconds later, he woke up, and was completely normal. Talking normal, not whispering, not stuttering. And he remembered saying all of those things. To date, the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed. I almost started wondering if this was going to be a permanent side effect too.

The anesthesiologist was super nice, answered all our questions, (and gave him the drugs we've been asking for) although I think I need to start bringing the computer with me everywhere to write everything down. I've asked so many questions, and they've tried their best to answer most, but then I don't remember a day later.

I asked if he was going to get an IV BP med - that blood pressure was freaking me out a tad. She said "well, we'll give him his normal dose that he takes every day" I said, "He needs an IV med, his blood pressure is too high right now, the pill isn't going to work fast enough" She said "Well it will all absorb the same." Ha. No it won't. Then I saw the anesthesiologist pushing labetalol, although I'm not sure why because his heart rate was never high, so I was a little worried that would bottom out, but it was ok. Then they gave him his regular dose a little later. I asked if he could have that switched to taking it at night, and they said no because your blood pressure normally drops at night. But, I'm thinking, he always takes it at night, and never had problems - granted he's never been on 3 pages worth of meds - but if he's going to be in surgery every M/W/F and then NPO from midnight the night before - he won't get his morning dose regularly - and then we'll have this blood pressure issue every time he comes to the PACU. Annoyed.

Complete sensation in both legs - all the way down to his toes. This isn't normal, yesterday he could barely move his left leg because he was so numb. That is the goal currently, with the epidural. They checked his dermatome levels a bunch, duh, it's not working. Fix it. They tried a local block - that didn't work. It made it worse. Finally, they pushed a higher concentration of Lidocaine in the epidural to verify placement, and that seemed to help.

So now his pain is finally controlled with the lidocaine epidural bolus, and the morphine. The anesthesiologist finally switched the PCA to morphine for him since that's what he's been asking for. Although right now, it doesn't seem to be helping. So then he starts deserting, forgetting to breathe, blue lips, all that fun stuff. We play incentive spirometer for a while, and have to try to keep him awake. He eventually gets down to 1L NC but can't tolerate room air. So he's still on the O's, but I prefer that over blue lips.

Right now his right leg is bothering him the most. He is knocked out - and totally falls under that stereotype that we laugh at at work - passed out asleep, and when I wake him up to ask him his pain level, he's a 5-6. Ironic! But, he is my husband, and I don't think he's making this shit up. He said the morphine just knocks him out and makes him feel great, but the pain is still around a 5. He was at a 2 last night. And all day yesterday it was his left arm. So I just don't know how to keep on top of all the different pain locations. I'm wondering if his right leg is hurting more tonight because of the surgery though. I think I heard they shaved the bone down a little, to have more skin to make the 'flap'. I'm sure if they manipulated that, it's going to be pretty painful. He's also got 2 JP drains in that leg now. Maybe tomorrow it will start feeling a little better?! But then something else will start hurting :/

It's like a never ending sick game of whack a mole. But we're not really whacking anything.

I'm that wife. I ask for a print out of his meds. Ha. So tonight when he woke up and said he was a 5 - I asked if he wanted the IV push - yes - And of course when the nurse comes in, he's sound asleep. I said "I know it doesn't look like he's in pain, but I swear he just woke up and told me he was a 5!" I know what they think.

He is finally on an air mattress though. And I hope they'll start his PICC line this weekend. Sometimes I wonder what it's like for people who don't know anything about the medical field. I wonder if he'd get these things if I wasn't here. Not tooting my horn by any means, but most people just don't know what to ask for. I'm sure they'd get done eventually, but probably not as fast as I'm making them happening. Hey, I'm just saying...now's a good a time as ever to practice being assertive - these people don't know me - and I'm sure they'll be happy to see me go :)

In other news, Mom came up tonight briefly. She brought me a ton of food which will be a Godsend when I get back at 0200 and am starving. Baby is mostly awake at night too. I saw him move from the outside last night when I was lying in bed. I can only feel him kicking or punching when I'm lying or sitting which is a bummer because I really want Jason to be able to feel him. Mom and I and some close family friends that took the time to drive her up here since she just had a knee replacement, went out to dinner at Ruth's Chris - I had never been. Holy Lord. Ahhhmazing! We'll have to get Jason some take out for his birthday from there :) He did eat 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza and some cheesy bread tonight I was told, so that was awesome. That's the most he's eaten since I've seen him. He also got a roommate which is a huge bummer. Selfish, I know, but it was so nice to be able to take over the whole room. At least he has the window view. The other guy is 24 as well, a marine, and got shot 4 times I believe, in the abdomen. But he looks like he's gonna be fine. And he still has all four limbs. Which makes me a little annoyed because I feel like they're thinking "Wow, they have it way worse." And they'll most likely go back to the way they were no problem and in no time, and the entire public won't know the difference unless he tells them. And then I tell myself that is not very nice.

Everyone says they're so shocked at how I'm handling this. And they all think I am so strong. I don't really think so, I just know that I get up and do it every day because this is my role now, and I have no choice but to handle it. I will be his primary caregiver. This will be my life for a long time. (Sometimes I even wonder if this is the reason I went to nursing school. Has this been in the plan all along? Did someone know I would need this background in order to keep myself sane through this process? Clearly, I'm no surgical nurse, but I at least have the basic knowledge...) I don't think my brain is still letting me process it - if it did, I'd be in a padded room, no doubt. I think it takes a long time for anyone to fully accept something like this. I suppose everyone knows me to be an extreme worrier and I am. But when you are thrown in to a situation like this, you have no choice but to just do it. Just get through it. What else is there to do?