whirlwind

The last 24 hours have been an absolute whirlwind! I finally got in to see Jason around 2300 last night, the 17th of August. The Army officials picked me up in their big black shiny government car, and I felt like a celebrity, although this was not the case. They helped me check in to the hotel (I'm staying on base - within walking distance of the hospital) And then they brought me to the hospital. We wandered around a little, and then we finally found his room. He had told me he had a roommate, so I was worried that I would wake him too. When I finally got to his room, I totally didn't react like I thought I would or should. I just walked right over to him and kissed him - he smelled like betadine and was orange all over from it. Poor thing probably hadn't had his teeth brushed in forever, but I didn't care. He was sound asleep, but woke up when I got there. It took him a few minutes to come to, and figure out that we were together again.

He said, "You can look at it, it's ok." So I did. Nothing different, just no foot. It was all just so surreal to see him like this, in this state, where he cannot do a thing for himself. He hates it. He wants to get in a wheel chair and go outside. Today he said "I need to get up and clean this room, it's a mess." I said, "Honey, I don't think you'll need to worry about that for a while!"

So, I stayed with him all night - I'm sure not the best idea I ever had, but I couldn't stand to leave him. Plus, I had no idea how to get back to the hotel, and while I could've asked, I just didn't feel like it. I was starving, but of course the DFAC closed (although it does open here around midnight!) so I asked to raid the pantry - I took two chocolate milks - they have the kind we used to have at our hospital, that taste like milkshakes almost :) They have 3 real refrigerators, all dedicated to patient food! This impressed me because at home, we always have to tell patients not to put their food in our fridges for infection control or whatever it is. So I was excited to be able to have stuff here to snack on. They had huge deep freezer with popsicles and healthy choice tv dinners - I almost took one, but I felt too bad. So I settled for saltines, graham crackers, and peanut butter. I know, terrible diet for baby. I've just been so distracted, by the time I realize I'm hungry, I'm like ravenous and everything is always closed.

He insisted that I sleep in the bed that his roommate no longer occupied - hospital beds freak me out, as well as going to the bathroom in his room - not like anyone else uses it, but still - it just weirds me out for some reason. So, I stayed up in the chair, dozed off a couple times, but had to readjust a lot because my bum kept falling asleep, so then that would wake him up. We'd talk for a few minutes, and then he'd fall back asleep. He's getting Seroquel at night, and that really seems to knock him out. He loves it! He's really struggling with pain in his left arm during the day.

I knew the morning would be super busy - I knew I would pay for this later.

So around 0530, the Dr's start making their rounds. This first guy looked like he was about 10. But whatever, I've had patients ask me that too. Overall, he had at least 20 different people in here throughout the day. Apparently there are the doctors who worked on his lower extremities, and the doctors that specialize in hands, and the trauma team, and ophthalmology, and a pain team, and anesthesia, and behavioral health. All in here in different times, pretty much asking all the same questions, but none of them could ever answer ours. It's a teaching hospital - the halls are packed during the day with groups of people making rounds on everyone, and then talking about them in the hall way.

He complained of weird sensations or feelings after pushing his epidural button, and somehow they got hallucinations out of that. And, of course no answer as to why - he said "Well, I can have psych come consult with him." I'm thinking - "WTF? It's obviously because of the amount of drugs, mixture, or whatever, it's not like he's just sitting here perfectly healthy imagining shit!" So he asked him to turn the epidural down a little to see - but still no real answer.

He told me yesterday he wanted people here all the time, that he was so super bored just sitting in bed al day. But today, after all the hullabaloo with doctors, nurses, cnas, corpsmen (whatever they are), and family, I think he was over it. But he didn't tell me this until after I had already returned a ton of messages saying "Sure, come visit!" Oops. Oh well. I think he wants to wait until he's able to move around a little more first. But he definitely still wants to see those really cloes friends and family. These rooms are tiny, I'm spoiled. You can hardly maneuver around the bed. He's got a tv on wheels like they used to have in elementary school, so that takes up about half the room. These chairs are the most uncomfortable things ever. It's crazy because I keep looking around thinking - "This is where I'll spend my days for the next few weeks!" But they are supposed to move him to a floor that was just redone and has all private rooms. So that will be nice.

He's on contact precautions, which I think they all are when they first get here - because of the bacteria that stupid country has I guess. Ha, I really don't know, obviously for bacteria, but I'm not sure if it's because of all the junk that got blasted in to his wounds or what. But hopefully he'll come off those soon - personally, I think these yellow gowns are worthless, and a waste of money!

So the medical stuff - he's got three wound vacs - one on his left bicep, left shin area, and obviously on the right lower extremity where the amputation is. I hated wound vacs in nursing school - I remember having to follow the lady around and watch her change the dressings. Gross. And they just look so painful, although the only one that I can see is his left bicep one - the others are covered with ACE wraps. He will likely be in surgery M/W/F until all the wounds are closed, supposed to be pounding calories in between. So we've already had McDonald's, and I just got him a regular (like kids) cheeseburger - and he couldn't even finish that. Anyone who knows my husband knows this is not normal. Ever. But he's not moving around much to have an appetite. It's a catch-22. I'm making them get him an air mattress tomorrow while he's in surgery - he has never been turned, and I can't do it by myself. It's hard to do anyway since he can't really turn on his left side because of that arm. He is young though, so his skin isn't terrible. But he's also sweaty, so there is moisture under there. Poor thing hasn't pooped since he left Afghanistan - and again, anyone who knows my husband, knows this is not normal either. They took the central line that was placed in Kandahar out today, and put in two IV's, hopefully a PICC soon. He's got an epidural for his legs, nerve block for his arm, and a PCA. Plus the PRN meds I'm trying to stay on top of.

The liaison came and talked to me today, along with SFAC, and finance (although by that time I was so out of it tired, I couldn't pay attention anymore). He's been a great help - but the contradicting stories are already starting. He's now telling me I may not be able to move our stuff back here, or that he won't be getting any PCS orders to here. Technically he's still attached to Fort Carson, and it may stay that way depending on how he's doing. What?! How the HELL are we supposed to try getting back to a normal family life with a baby coming in 5 months if we have none of or belongings and no real 'home'?! "Try not to think about that right now" he says. Ha. Do you know who you're talking to?!

An old high school friend came by tonight, who works for one of the WTU's at Fort Belvoir and was giving Jason a lot of good info about what to expect after things start settling down. He explained all the different routes his career could go, and they all sound very promising. As long as he stays motivated and wants to stay in the Army, hopefully they will go out of their way to keep him.

His mom got in from England this afternoon and sat with him for a while too, so it was nice to see her. I finally made myself leave and slept for a couple hours, but it definitely wasn't enough.

He's so peacefully sleeping now, I hate to wake him, but I'm going to wipe him down with whatever these wipes are they gave me because of his surgery tomorrow. I don't know if they've assumed I'm a nurse, or have some sort of medical background because no one has asked, but they are treating me like I know what I'm doing. Which I like. It took a little adjusting in the first few hours - he doesn't want me asking questions to the doctors until they're completely finished. He feels like when I ask questions, they talk to me, and not him, and he doesn't feel a part of the conversation even though it's about him. Understandable. But hard for me. So I'm trying to make sure he asks all the questions he has first, and then ask mine. But it's true, once you ask them a question, they just start talking to you, and not the patient. I hope I never did that.

And still, at least every 5 minutes, I think to myself "I can't believe I'm here right now, in this moment, with my husband, with no leg, and this is our life."

Random Thoughts

The day isn't over yet. In fact, it hasn't really started for me, I'm still in bed. But I had a few random thoughts that I wanted to put on here.

Like, my new obsession with legs. Two legs. Everyone has two legs. Well, not everyone. But most everyone. I just watch people walk around, especially men (not like that), especially since it's summer time and everyone is wearing shorts. I look at their calf muscles, how symmetrical their legs are, if they have tattoos on them. I wonder if they realize how easy they have it just because they have two legs. Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed for the first time, I think of Jason when both of my feet hit the carpet. I wonder how he will get in the shower, do you put your leg on and get in and then take it off? Then put it back on before you get out again? Will we have to find somewhere to live with a walk in shower? Minor things. I do see people with long pants on and wonder if any of them have a prosthesis under there. I wonder what it will be like when we go to the beach. Do they make special prosthesis for this sort of thing? Will they it rust if it gets wet? What about the sand getting in between his stump (what is the politically correct term for that?) and the prosthesis? This is probably very ignorant of me.

I never intended this blog to upset people. I received many messages that as people were reading my blog, they were crying. I hope I am not coming across as pitiful. I don't want people to feel sorry for us for the rest of our lives, and I really know that Jason won't want that. It has just been a way for me to record my thoughts as I'm going through this process. I think it will be interesting to get Jason's perspective when he's up to it. And I know baby/grown son will enjoy looking back on this. At least I hope he will.

I'm feeling a little more bitter than I'd like to. When I see people's posts on Facebook sometimes I just think "Your life is so hard." (In a sarcastic tone of course) - so don't get on Facebook Stephanie - yeah right, anyone who knows me knows I'm addicted to that damn website. It's just crazy to me that our world is currently upside down (not in a bad way, but I do feel like one of those flip sand timers, and ours just got flipped over, and we are starting all over again) and everyone else just goes on like normal. Duh, why wouldn't they. Their life still is normal. Maybe ours will be too, one day. But probably not. People can go on with their daily routines without being affected, because they're not. I don't know why I think the world will stop because this happened to us. It happens a lot, unfortunately.

I look at pictures and think "I wonder what we would've done if we had known that 3 months, 4 months, or a year later, he'd have no right leg." I got a pedicure yesterday and thought about the time I made him go with me to get one, and he was so embarrassed, but handled it like a real man :) I guess he won't feel up to that any more.

I think about all the bad people out there, in our own country, who are just ignorant, or assholes, but usually both - and get angry. I get angry because all I can think is "My husband lost his leg for you? Really? You're an asshole. And you don't even realize."

Will Sadie still see him as her daddy? Or will she spot the differences and be unsure?

We're not a religious couple. And I don't know if this is going to make him want to be religious, or push away from it even more. It could go both ways. But, I did ask God if he was sure he put Jason with the right person when he married me. This is a hard situation for anyone to handle, and quite frankly I don't really feel equipped to handle it. We must have come together for reasons bigger than ourselves. We created a beautiful baby boy, and now we have to find our purpose in this new challenge. I fear this will be hard for him, as his career and life path has never been clear to him. But then, who is it clear to? I guess this is where faith comes in to play, and that, I know, is a struggle for me. I can only imagine how it will be for him.

I assume these are all normal feelings. And I should know all the stages of grief, but I don't remember them. I'm pretty sure I'm still in the denial stage, which I think is the first one.

I started packing last night, all still so surreal. I'm going to see my husband. I wasn't supposed to see him until January, and he was going to get home and we would have our baby at Evans, and all would be perfect. I knew the nurses and doctors who would deliver me, specifically requested one pediatrician to do the circumcision (hey, important things - I've seen some bad circs!), knew how the hospital worked, and what to expect. I would be at home for a few months with the baby just in time for him to return for good, and we would start our beautiful life as a family of three, together.

We will still have a beautiful life as a family of three, I suppose it just started sooner than I expected. I can be thankful it happened when it did, I still have 20 weeks left in this pregnancy. 20 weeks to get Jason back on his 'feet' and prepare for baby.

But, as I was packing, all I could look at was his closet full of shoes. How will this work? Can he still wear flip flops? Or should I just give them all away so he doesn't see them and get depressed that he can't wear them any more? He's got some old issued Army boots in there still (he never wore the issued boots, they're apparently terrible), I might leave them for a while.

If nothing else, now, when I see two shoes sitting somewhere (which is everywhere in my house), I immediately think of Jason, alone still, without one foot, and what he is feeling like.

August 15, 2011

I woke up at 0600, all by myself. Was determined to get to the OB Clinic on Post by 0700 to catch my Doctor before he started seeing patients. Well, apparently he doesn't get there till 0800. So I go upstairs to see all my coworkers. Of course everyone is very supportive and have lots of questions. Go through my speal for about the 40th time, feeling very emotionless at this point. Fill out my time card. Realize I need to recertify in NRP before October. Go back downstairs and get in touch with my most favorite doctor ever. Does a quick ultrasound, baby's heartbeat still strong. No, Dr. Clark, no bleeding or cramping. I know what to look for. I am stressed - but I think I'm still internalizing it. He looks up his colleagues in the military system at Bethesda and gives me their names. Just hands me a copy of my medical records (I don't think it's usually that easy) and tells me to go to the walk in clinic at Bethesda next week for my 20 week US. Go back upstairs to finish up things there. A former coworker calls the floor asking for my phone number, and I happen to be sitting right there. She used to work in Germany at Landsthul where he is a patient now. She got some inside information - her friends had received his paperwork the night before, and he is going to the unit she used to work on :) She tells everyone to look out for him. They messaged her again today and said he arrived in the morning, got evaluated, x-rayed, and was currently back in the OR (for the 3rd time) for a surgical wash out. Where they basically sedate him and power wash his wounds. Ugh. So then the head of the department I work for calls me, and says she's been in contact with someone at Landsthul also, and that his name wasn't on the manifest yet, but she would let me know when it was. But that from his notes, he looks extremely stable, and they're very pleased with his progress. She also has been able to squeeze me in at a clinic up north for my 20 week ultrasound a tad early. I then get a call from his mom, who has a number to the nurses station there. I try to figure out how to call it from the hospital phones since I know they can dial out of country. After about 45 minutes of arguing with these people, I finally get through - to 10 delta - the unit he's on. They transfer me to his room, and he answers. Still groggy, and sounding very down, in my opinion. Still cracking jokes, but still down.

"I feel like I've failed them, failed my guys. Now they have no squad leader."

"I'm scared that our baby is going to think I'm a freak, I won't have a leg, and I have scars everywhere."

"I'm really going to need you when I get home."

I ask if he's eaten anything, yes, "a cup of jello" - so I ask him if bringing him a double quarter pounder with cheese no pickles is a bad idea when I see him, he says "You might want to rethink that." As in - "you better have a double quarter pounder with cheese no pickles when you come see me" :) He tells me he thinks he's on the manifest to leave on Tuesday - what?! That's way sooner than I expected. He starts falling asleep on the phone. Which I hate, I want to hear his voice longer. So we hang up.

Hopefully next time I talk to him, it will be in person.

So finally, after 5 hours at work, when I only intended on being there for 1, I leave. I have to rush home, let the dog out, take a shower, and head up north for the Ultrasound appointment. Get there just in time, get all the measurements done - baby is in 56 percentile, has all his pieces and parts, and is still in fact, a boy. Placenta, fluid, and cervix all look good, and baby was somewhat uncooperative. :)

Go to hair appointment where I get another call from the CPT F, who tells me everything I already know because I'm that badass :) But he does confirm that my husband is on the manifest to leave Germany on Tuesday - yikes! So this means I could be leaving by Wednesday! Ah! Call mom, get dad a ticket for tomorrow! So he's supposed to be here tomorrow night at 10pm. CPT F confirms that my husband is going to be at Bethesda - they did have him scheduled for San Antonio - thank goodness CPT F fixed that real quick! Now I really have a lot to do - and that's ok, it will make it go faster :)

Since I'm up north - stop by the Verizon store on a whim - see if I can get husbands number reactivated - yes! I got him a brand new iPhone4, and I so hope it will make him as excited as I was :) He can put all his music on there since I know his is still in Afghanistan. I will try to get all his music on before I go home.

Now start back down south, get pedicure - hey, important things here - need to look good for husband. Got orange glitter nail polish - it's fun :)

Go home, Katelyn brings me dinner, and sits and talks with me for a while, which is wonderful. I will miss her :(

Now here I sit - thinking about all the things I should pack. Making list after list after list. Making sure I'm still feeling baby move in the midst of all this...

August 14, 2011

Today is a new day.

Woke up early, but ended up lying in bed for the majority of the morning, on the phone again, all morning. Hashing out details with my mom - should Dad fly out here to take care of the dog? Should we wait? What do I bring home now? When will I come back here? Where will I stay there? Spoke with various Army officials about the travel situations, and when I will find out when I get to leave. If there's one thing I've learned from being married to and working for the Army, it's always a game of hurry up and wait. Landlord comes over to fix fence. I take Sadie to get groomed, and I was going to get a pedicure, but it's Sunday, so they're closed. Go to Kohl's because I have Kohl's cash staring me in the face that I have to use :) Buy him some soft t-shirts that he loves, and basketball shorts (his very first pair, he hates those things, but I figure that's all he'll be wearing for a while), and some more sleeping shorts to lounge around in. Talk on the phone with life insurance guy about how this may change our policy. The lady at the checkout counter says "How are you today?" I think - "Well, my husband just got his leg blown off in Afghanistan for your dumb ass, our life will never be the same, but yours probably will - how do you THINK I am?" I say - "I'm fine." I then realize, this is going to be a VERY long road to recovery for both of us. I go back and pick up Sadie, all the while on the phone to different people, my boss, the head of the department I work for, friends, family, etc. I go home, and wait for the landlord to be done with the fence. He leaves, and I leave to go back up north to the Apple store. I'm going to buy us a new computer :) I need to be able to keep very accurate records of his care - I may be slightly OCD, and the fact that I know how hospitals work probably makes it a little worse. My old computer is 17 inches, and giant when it comes to traveling - and on the fritz - my husbands old computer went with him to Iraq last time, and is also on its way out. His new computer I got him for this deployment is still in Afghanistan and we won't see it for a while probably. So in I go, pick it out, buy it, and come back home. Simple as that :) I download a medical record app, and am very excited about it. But I think I will still have to keep track of some extra things in a document. This was a fairly uneventful day, have gotten a few more things sorted out with the CPT, but I was able to sleep a little. I planned an early day for Monday...

August 13, 2011

This is a little late - but I decided (at 0030) that I need to start keeping a journal. I just bought a MacBookPro - and don't have any word processing on it right now. So a blog it is for now. I just read that old post, from December of 2009. Back when life was easy. I only wish I could've looked ahead to now.

My husband deployed May 18, 2011 to Afghanistan. He is stationed in the Arghandab River Valley, and I couldn't tell you where that is. He is in the Army, 1-67 C Co - out of Fort Carson - the infantry - and for some reason they're known as the "Death Dealers". He's been in the Army for about 7 years now, and this is his third deployment. The first two were to Iraq and both lasted 15 months. This one is supposed to only be a year. (Only!) He hasn't even been there three months.

I worked all night, 7pm-7am, and got off Saturday morning. I came home and waited for the handyman to come give me an estimate on all the things wrong in this rental house that needed to be fixed. He came, gave me the estimate, and I made my usual bagel and cream cheese with apple juice and went upstairs to Facebook stalk like my normal morning routine.

I got a text from a fellow army wife, asking if I was ok, and if there was anything she could do for me. I thought this was odd. When I texted her back that everything was fine, she called - which was also odd. She said her husband had told her that my husband had been injured, was in surgery, but was ok. I didn't believe her of course, because the Army is supposed to notify you of these things first! So, not wanting to be the typical freaking out Army wife, I call my FRG leader just to clarify - who tells me she will call the RearD CO and let me know. When I get a call from a phone number which I know is from post - I know. They ask to speak to Mrs. Searles - and then inform me officially that my husband has been injured. I guess at this point, I knew that was coming. What I didn't expect was for them to tell me that he lost his right leg below the knee. No one ever expects it to happen to them. Cliche, I know, but it is true. Of course, I cried. I worried about very insignificant things, which then made me feel selfish. Like, what about Sadie? (Our dog) What about the bills, how will they get paid? What about work? I was trying to save for maternity leave! But the important thing was that he was stable, and apparently "in good spirits". I think they have to say that.

Then another person called me, and gave me a few more details, after apologizing for the Army's downfalls yet again. This is when I realized our lives had changed forever. He mentioned the stay at his place of rehabilitation would be at least 8 - 16 months. What? How is that going to work? Well, apparently these soldiers usually PCS (Permanent Change of Station) to wherever they are recovering. The family moves there, and they all begin their new life. Totally was not expecting this. Now, I have to figure out how to pack everything, take care of all the loose ends, pack everything, clean house, move out, and quit my beloved job. Oh, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

Everyone who knows me, knows how much I worry. Including my husband. I worry about everything, the big things, the little things, the things I cannot control, and the things I can.

So, now I'm in survival mode, trying to figure out where to go from here. I realized he mentioned Walter Reed Medical Center, but he said my husband would likely go to San Antonio (that's where the other two soldiers from his unit that this has happened to have gone). All our family is in Virginia. I requested that he be sent to Walter Reed indefinitely, as we have a baby due in January, and we're going to need all the help we can get. Plus, how wonderful to be back within driving distance of our family at a time like this.

I spent all morning on the phone. I only cried that once. When I realized it did happen to us. Will they kick him out? Can he deploy again? No, and yes. But he has since informed me he'd "like a nice pretty desk job". I had to contact his mom, she lives in England, and tell her myself. That was not ideal. Mind you, I had been up since 7pm the night before. Now it's noon. I'm supposed to work tonight - if I go to sleep now, I might be able to go to work. But will I be useful? Will I be distracted? As a nurse, I can't afford to loose my license over this, so around 5pm, after I had been up all day, I decided I should call in. By then, everyone at work had heard, and of course understood. We are so understaffed, I felt terrible, but they made it work. A friend came and sat with me, and brought me McDonalds for a few hours in the afternoon. She just had her baby, and I just held him all afternoon. It was quite comforting. I still didn't cry - just talked about everything in detail like it wasn't really happening to me. I could hear myself talking to her about this situation, and I kept having to tell myself, "this is your life you're talking about now".

I called the CPT back with all the questions I had started gathering throughout the day. And asked him more in depth about what happened. He said my husband did nothing wrong and did everything by protocol. Of course he did. He always does. Your stupid protocols aren't foolproof. I asked about his future with the Army, he said they would work with him to find him a job he would enjoy. I hope this is really the case. I just didn't, and still don't, understand the tactics they have to go by.

I also took it upon myself (husband probably would not have approved) to inform this CPT that last month, my husband made points for promotion to E6 - SSG, but that someone did not do their job by updating his records, so he didn't get promoted. He has to wait until August 18th I think, to find out the points for August, and then hopefully, he will get promoted Sept 1. I said "My husband got screwed because someone didn't do their job and update his points. Could you please make sure this someone does their job this time so he gets promoted like he should've been already?"

"Yes ma'am I'll make sure your husband gets what he is owed."

Thank You.

My husband called around 5pm that day. He sounded very out of it, very tired, and groggy. I could hear the male nurse there answering all the medical questions I had, but I just wish I could've been by his side for all of it. He said he had an epidural to numb his leg, and was in a lot of pain and very tired, but he's ok. He said he got a purple heart and some coins, so that was cool.

I took two tylenol PM (yes they're safe with pregnancy) and turned my phone on vibrate, and tried to sleep. I did, woke up once, but did get a few good hours of sleep.