Normal routine.
That got me thinking today. What is going to be normal anymore anyway? Will we go back to Colorado? Will we return to our jobs and go on like we were before he left last May? We'll have a baby of course, so that will be a lot different. What will his 'job' entail if we do go back to Colorado?
Some big Command Sergeant Major or whatever they're called came today to visit. He said he would let Col Keenan know that we wanted to come back - she's the Col of the whole hospital at Carson. The hospital I happened to work at. Hopefully he puts a good word in for me too, ha. I know there is a WTB there, but I'm pretty sure they can't do too much as far as amputee care. Hopefully by the time we are able to go back, he won't need that anymore. But he'll be in a WTB unit - what exactly do they do all day for 'work'? Will he hate it and regret his decision?
How can I possibly think about going back to work right now? (because I'm going crazy, but that's besides the point) I can't imagine dropping my baby boy off at day care. I can barely leave my dog at day care. I just loooove makin that money! And feeling useful of course. And I do enjoy my job. I feel knowledgable when I'm at work, like I have something important to say, and people will actually listen to me.
I'm feeling selfish these days. I'm tired, too. Tired of this 'routine'. PT, OT, Wound Care, Hand Surgeon, Primary Care Doc, Inprocessing, etc. But I don't feel like I can tell him that because he's got to be tired of it too. Probably about a million more times tired of it than I could ever be. I just want to have my husband back. Want to be able to go out without worrying about whether or not he's in pain, or going to be in pain, or whether or not our plans will have to be cut short because he can't handle any more.
We did go to dinner tonight, and he walked. Let me tell you how wonderful it was to not have to get that stupid wheelchair in to the back of the jeep, back out again, back in again, and back out again. Ugh. But it has been literally two months since he stepped on a freaking land mine, and he's walking out to dinner with me. Definitely didn't think the recovery would be this fast, and I am so grateful for it. Sometimes I wonder if it's too fast though. He walked a mile and a half in PT today. His leg got sore after dinner. I don't know if it was the weather, or sitting for a while making it swell up, or what. But we couldn't go get ice cream like I wanted :( When can I be dropped off at the door while my husband goes to park the car? When can I be the one with the umbrella instead of him because he has an electric wheelchair that can't get wet? When is it my turn?
I feel like a 5 year old when I write this stuff. Feel so selfish and stupid for even thinking it. I want flowers, presents, and surprises again. I want my romantic husband back. I feel like I'm fighting with appointments to get time in with him. Guess I'll just have to make an appointment too.
Either way, this past month has had a lot of milestones. Walking is the main one. Now, I can look back and say "Wow, remember when we were sitting in your hospital room thinking we'd never get out?" I remember the routine of wiping him down with the special 'before surgery' wipes at midnight at least every couple of days. He had so many surgeries. We had a bath routine, too. And by bath, I mean him sitting in a chair in front of the sink so I could wash his hair for him. I remember when he couldn't feel anything because he had a nerve block and an epidural, but he was still in pain. I remember when he had night sweats every night, shortly after he got here. Or when pooping was an all day ordeal. I remember trying to keep up with all his meds, which was almost impossible. I could've been a little lazy about it too. But I do remember the multiple medication errors I prevented. Not to toot my own horn or anything. But it's a true story.
Maybe we'll hit up the White House on Sunday. You know, just hang with Obama, maybe chill in the Oval Office for a bit. Ha. But we really might get to go there.
I am excited to see what the next month has in store for us. So that I can look back on this day and say "Wow, I remember when he just started walking, and it was still so hard..." Look what we've accomplished in two months, I wonder where we'll be a year from now.
Maybe then we'll be really on the road to recovery. Both of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment