emotional

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a bed sore on my ass after today. I've been in bed most of the day. Having a pity party. Moping. Whatever you'd like to call it.

Jason and I have not been ourselves lately, and it's starting to take its toll on both of us. This is hard. Everyone said it would be, we knew it would be, we've said ourselves that it would be. So why is it such a shocker that it's happening to us? I guess I thought that if we could make it through the first couple of months, while he was inpatient, then we could make it through anything. It seems to be quite the opposite. Which now, looking back, is rather obvious. Of course I would be more patient and loving in the beginning, of course I would want to be there for everything and help him with everything in his most incredible time of need. And then you get burnt out. Duh. They preach this crap in nursing school. Apparently I think I'm invisible.

Then, I had an escape. The Navy Lodge. It was a miserable escape, but it was away from the hospital. He didn't get an escape, and he's still trucking along. Now, we're together. Like married couples are supposed to be. We wake up together, and go to appointments together (but not mine because there is never enough time for him to be able to go to both), eat every meal together, and go to bed together, and wake up and do it all over again. Together. Therein lies the problem. At least that's what we both suspect.

We are reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I think I'm from Mars sometimes though. It's a helpful book. But only when you read it and are reminded of how different the opposite sex things and feels. You then, quickly forget. Like when you're in the car driving off the beltway and getting all turned around because you came off a different exit than you went on - and when your husband used to always drive everywhere, and hates the way you drive, and mumbles directions so you can't hear or understand what he's saying ("go this way." thanks, because i know what way THIS way is!) - it just turns in to a blown out of proportion argument. Didn't there used to be a game show about newlyweds and communication? We probably wouldn't win that show. Just saying. But, it's just scary, to be here, in this situation with so many unknowns, a baby on the way, and then to be feeling like your marriage may not survive. Or are we just being too sensitive? Another one of both of our issues. Or do we have entirely too much time to think about it?

It's hard to go out and do things on my own. I literally have anxiety about leaving him alone. This is not good. He is not a child. I don't know if its a little underlying nervousness that he could have not come home at all, and so I'm scared to leave him at all now. I worry. I worry about his meds, making sure he takes them, making sure he gets to all of his appointments on time. Making sure his leg feels ok, he's not in pain, he eats enough protein and not too much salt. I don't want him to feel alone, or like I abandoned him because I can drive and he can't. Maybe the baby will take some of the focus off him, and I'm sure he will enjoy every minute of that.

But what about us? Where do we go from here? It seems like we have this argument or discussion over and over again. When does it get solved?

For the past 3 weeks we have been on a hunt for a freaking compression sock. You would think in this giant medical facility everywhere would have them. This is not the case. One clinic sends us to another clinic who says "oh this clinic will definitely have them." That clinic calls the main distribution center (where we've already been) and as he's on the phone I tell him to ask for extra large because we've already been down there and they didn't have any. Yes, I understand if the main distribution place doesn't have them, why would anywhere else. But, how often do you give out XL compression socks? Someone has got to have them stocked somewhere. So he doesn't ask the question I ask him to ask, and I get so livid. Like 0-60 in 2 seconds. I just turn around and leave.

Earlier in the day, Jason overslept which is unlike him, but we are weaning off the narcotics and he woke up multiple times in the middle of the night in pain. He finally let me give him a short acting pill around 3am so he could sleep. We want the pills to go away, but we can't let the pain interrupt sleep. I don't know if that threw him off a little or what, but either way he woke up with about 20 minutes to spare. I was awake, and was planning to wake him up, but must have also fallen back asleep. So, I didn't have time to shower and get over there with him. I decided not to go to his first two appointments. They tell us NMA's we're supposed to go to every appointment with them, but it's just becoming too much, and too smothering. All I do at PT and OT is sit there with him and play legos or walk laps. I'm not saying I'll never go back, but I don't think I need to go with him every morning. Anyway, I meet him over there at 11 for his hand appointment - hoping to get the final 2 pins out of his finger. No such luck, bone is healing, but slowly, want to wait until the skin graft heals more before pulling on the finger to get the pins out. Fine by us. Still hoping they won't have to do a bone graft, but only time will tell. Wound care has been doing wonders for his fingers, and they look amazing in just the two short weeks we've been seeing them. He went from dead tissue and exposed tendon to beautiful healing granulation tissue. Exciting. Then we went to the counter where we spoke to the man who called about the compression sock - that's when I left. So, today I only made it about an hour with him before I got too pissed and irritated. I even prayed for patience today. It didn't work. I just went outside and sat. And when he didn't follow me, I went back to the room where none of our keys work and had to get let in by someone. I've been here ever since. Moping.

I want to be pregnant and emotional. I want to be pissed without having to have a reason. I want to have a scowl on my face all day long just because I can. I'm tired of people asking if I'm okay because I "look tired". Sorry, I didn't pack my make up when I left Colorado over 2 months ago. And even if I did, you sure as hell wouldn't catch me putting it on every morning. And, thanks for reminding me that I look like shit on a daily basis.

I want us to go back to 2009, when we were still dating, or engaged, and our biggest problem was getting the Army to move all my crap to Colorado even though we weren't married. When we laughed all the time, and actually liked being around each other instead of walking on eggshells every waking moment. When we had something to talk about, and we had our own place, and our own friends. We had our own life. Now we don't.

i wish i wish i wish i want i want i want - it's all I ever seem to do anymore, and I should have learned to appreciate the small things by now. What in the world is wrong with me?!