Month 2

I can't believe it's been 2 months since he stepped on a stupid land mine. I'll probably say this for every month that passes until we are back in a normal routine.

Normal routine.

That got me thinking today. What is going to be normal anymore anyway? Will we go back to Colorado? Will we return to our jobs and go on like we were before he left last May? We'll have a baby of course, so that will be a lot different. What will his 'job' entail if we do go back to Colorado?

Some big Command Sergeant Major or whatever they're called came today to visit. He said he would let Col Keenan know that we wanted to come back - she's the Col of the whole hospital at Carson. The hospital I happened to work at. Hopefully he puts a good word in for me too, ha. I know there is a WTB there, but I'm pretty sure they can't do too much as far as amputee care. Hopefully by the time we are able to go back, he won't need that anymore. But he'll be in a WTB unit - what exactly do they do all day for 'work'? Will he hate it and regret his decision?

How can I possibly think about going back to work right now? (because I'm going crazy, but that's besides the point) I can't imagine dropping my baby boy off at day care. I can barely leave my dog at day care. I just loooove makin that money! And feeling useful of course. And I do enjoy my job. I feel knowledgable when I'm at work, like I have something important to say, and people will actually listen to me.

I'm feeling selfish these days. I'm tired, too. Tired of this 'routine'. PT, OT, Wound Care, Hand Surgeon, Primary Care Doc, Inprocessing, etc. But I don't feel like I can tell him that because he's got to be tired of it too. Probably about a million more times tired of it than I could ever be. I just want to have my husband back. Want to be able to go out without worrying about whether or not he's in pain, or going to be in pain, or whether or not our plans will have to be cut short because he can't handle any more.

We did go to dinner tonight, and he walked. Let me tell you how wonderful it was to not have to get that stupid wheelchair in to the back of the jeep, back out again, back in again, and back out again. Ugh. But it has been literally two months since he stepped on a freaking land mine, and he's walking out to dinner with me. Definitely didn't think the recovery would be this fast, and I am so grateful for it. Sometimes I wonder if it's too fast though. He walked a mile and a half in PT today. His leg got sore after dinner. I don't know if it was the weather, or sitting for a while making it swell up, or what. But we couldn't go get ice cream like I wanted :( When can I be dropped off at the door while my husband goes to park the car? When can I be the one with the umbrella instead of him because he has an electric wheelchair that can't get wet? When is it my turn?

I feel like a 5 year old when I write this stuff. Feel so selfish and stupid for even thinking it. I want flowers, presents, and surprises again. I want my romantic husband back. I feel like I'm fighting with appointments to get time in with him. Guess I'll just have to make an appointment too.

Either way, this past month has had a lot of milestones. Walking is the main one. Now, I can look back and say "Wow, remember when we were sitting in your hospital room thinking we'd never get out?" I remember the routine of wiping him down with the special 'before surgery' wipes at midnight at least every couple of days. He had so many surgeries. We had a bath routine, too. And by bath, I mean him sitting in a chair in front of the sink so I could wash his hair for him. I remember when he couldn't feel anything because he had a nerve block and an epidural, but he was still in pain. I remember when he had night sweats every night, shortly after he got here. Or when pooping was an all day ordeal. I remember trying to keep up with all his meds, which was almost impossible. I could've been a little lazy about it too. But I do remember the multiple medication errors I prevented. Not to toot my own horn or anything. But it's a true story.

Maybe we'll hit up the White House on Sunday. You know, just hang with Obama, maybe chill in the Oval Office for a bit. Ha. But we really might get to go there.

I am excited to see what the next month has in store for us. So that I can look back on this day and say "Wow, I remember when he just started walking, and it was still so hard..." Look what we've accomplished in two months, I wonder where we'll be a year from now.

Maybe then we'll be really on the road to recovery. Both of us.

Legos are therapy?

It's been a few days since I posted last. I think these may be able to be spaced out a little more now that our life is a little more monotonous.

We went down to KG for the holiday weekend, which was nice. It happened to be the Fall Festival weekend as well. I haven't been to one of those parades in quite some time. It hasn't changed a bit. People didn't stare as much as I thought they would. Kids did, though, but that's to be expected. One almost got himself hit by a car because he was staring so hard. It was kind of funny, I'm not going to lie. I was just waiting for his dad to get his attention. The kid just was staring, like burning a hole in Jason's leg, and walking at the same time, and almost walked in to a (slowly) reversing car. Then, we almost got backed over because a giant truck didn't see him, or me pushing him, as the parade was ending. People are always in a hurry. The chaos here in our small town was a little surprising when the parade was coming to a close. You can tell it's over because everyone starts walking back. So we're packing up to go, (we brought Sadie too) and this sherif on a bike rides by and is like "Hey can you all move to let these cars get through? Thanks." I was just in shock a little. Really? Give us a freaking chance! It's not like we're sitting here watching the grass grow, we're trying to leave. Ugh. Everyone is in a rush. It's irritating.

Another reason we're ready to go back to Colorado.

All this talk about going back to Colorado, if we ever do get to go back, I sure hope it's how we remember it! Otherwise I'll be supremely disappointed!

I'm trying to find a weekend to fly out there and pack boxes of a few things we need. Such as winter clothes. I am just straight up lazy, and I don't want to deal with it. So I'm tempted to just make do this winter. We've already accumulated so much stuff. I don't even know how.

Anyway at home, we traveled between my moms house and his dads house. We slept at his dads house because it is newer, and much more wheelchair friendly. Making plenty of mental notes about how our dream house will be built. And all the doorways, hallways and rooms will be wheelchair friendly *just in case*. He says next time we go home, he'll be walking through the doors instead of crawling up and down the stairs :)

We bought some baby clothes at a consignment shop I discovered. Went to The Melting Pot - yum. Played some games, and watched Philly sports loose miserably, much to his fathers dismay. He got some good Sadie time in, so that was good. I can't tell you how tired I am of lifting that wheelchair in and out of the car. It's not that heavy, it's just so awkward to lift without scratching my car! Building muscles for the stroller :)

Bought our first box of diapers and wipes this weekend. Guess I will just go with disposables for now.

Registration is renewed. Thank goodness. Now I don't know why I didn't just send two copies of everything to get Jason's car done too. Looks like I will have to do it all again for his. Ugh.

Apparently there is an NRP Renewal in 2 days...Jason's nurse case manager was trying to get me in it. Now I'm worried I won't pass, and I'll make an ass out of myself in front of all these strangers for how much I can't remember! But, I'd rather renew it then take the whole class over again. If I have to, I have to I guess.

Yes, Obama came to Walter Reed. No, we did not see him. I'm sure he was here for about 15 minutes total. And he only cares to see the soldiers who are still inpatient. We overheard someone say "You have to have an IV in in order for the President to visit you." Bummer. haha.

If all goes as planned (can you believe I'm still saying that), we'll be back in Colorado sometime after baby is born (hopefully before our lease is up) in order for Jason to start his MedBoard process. He'll be assigned to the WTB there until they decide if he's able to return to duty. Depending on when we go back, I'm not sure if I'll go back to work or not. I would definitely go back if they'd let me come back part time, but I have a sinking feeling that won't be the case.

We played legos tonight. We started doing it in OT today, and decided we should probably buy some just for fun :) I haven't played with legos in forever, and I don't think I've ever followed lego directions. I always just had my brothers left overs which were in a huge bag all mixed together. If he uses his left hand, it is good OT though, so that's a nice plus.

We're trying really hard to come up with a name for this baby. Still nothing permanent. Should probably look in to taking some classes in regards to delivering this baby. Blahhhhhhhh

I liked our boring life before this boring life. We're together 24/6/365. We don't have to be, but I miss him terribly when I do leave him. I liked that we both had our works to go to. It didn't seem like 'getting away' then, but it does now. Neither of us have a getaway now. Now it's just appointments. I know that doesn't sound boring and terrible, but it is not a normal life. And the whole system is just so screwy, I wish I could be commander in chief for a day :)

He had his leg on for about 2 hours today. We're slowly increasing it. He did laps with a cane. Laps by himself. Laps sidestepping, walking backwards, and regular. He walked on grass, up stairs, down stairs, and in the mud. Overall, eventful day as far as walking! He's preparing for the grapevines tomorrow :)

one foot forward...

He walked for the first time today since August 13th :)

We got the 2x4 he's had for a hand removed for good. We watched her throw the splint in the trash. Did you hear me? In. The. Trash. His left hand and arm are definitely very weak. You can even see his wrist bone because of all the atrophy. I'm sure he'll gain that strength back eventually. We're working on range of motion of the fingers. He got two pins out yesterday - he says the worst pain he's felt to date. It was pretty painful to watch him be in that much pain. He said he thought the doctor was joking when he pulled out the pliers. Apparently he'll never make a fist again with that hand. There was talk of bone grafting and possibly re doing one of the skin grafts. Frustrations. That will all be months from now though, if the healing hasn't gotten any better. Yippee more surgeries.

So we spent a lot of today doing wound care, and scraping the thick layer of dead skin off his hand. That is pretty foul. But I do enjoy doing it. Got a new splint for just the two fingers.

Then he got his first leg!

He stood up and walked back and forth and back and forth in the parallel bars. He was in awe the whole time I think, that he was walking. He said he was feeling some phantom pains. I would imagine so if you're standing, but you know you're not standing on your foot because it isn't there. I can't imagine how that feels - to be standing but can't feel the floor under you. It's definitely going to take some getting used to, although he thought he could just run right out of there. We went over to the PT room then, and did some more walking in the parallel bars. Side ways, backwards, forwards. Bob (our physical therapist) could tell he was itching to walk farther. He started around the track, but then started feeling some pain. It's hard to tell now whether or not it's normal pain or not normal pain. And I certainly don't know what's normal for them to be feeling at this stage. So PT keeps his leg for about a week and he'll gradually increase his time in it just for safety. I guess a lot of guys have gone home with their leg and worn it too much too soon and hurt themselves more. So it's probably a good thing because he'd probably be one of those guys.

Hopefully by the end of next week we'll have it in our possession. It was weird to see him walking again, that's for sure. And a true testament to how long this process will be.

I told Joe (his Occupational Therapist) he needs to get a baby doll with diapers so he can practice changing those :)

Just short of two months, and he's already walking. He's doing so great. I know he can't see it, he can't see the progress he's made. He's so very frustrated with the long drawn out process. And even now that he's an E6, he still has to call his squad leader every morning to check in like a private would have to do. We had to go to a brief this morning. Which was interrupted by a fire drill in which they said we had to evacuate. Great. And oh by the way you have to wait for the firefighters to carry you out because you can't go down the elevator in a wheelchair. I've never seen him look so depressed as he was in that moment. I can't imagine what he must have been feeling. A 25 year old man sitting in a wheelchair with his head down so far because he's embarrassed that he can't just walk down the stairs like everyone else, and has to be carried out instead. As if he hasn't gone through enough, lets just play Army a little more, jerks. They ended up not making us evacuate which is good because I was about to go express my feelings to someone with a high rank on their chest. Ha.

Overall a great day for progress here. But, still every night we lay in bed and wonder what we did to deserve this kind of life. He says "We're nice people. We've never done anything wrong. Why did this have to happen to us?!" I quite agree. Not how I pictured bringing a baby 'home'.

It's the little things you don't think about. Why would you? Like the freezing cold bathroom floor because we can't have rugs in there because the wheelchair wouldn't be able to go over them. Like how the handicapped access doors are locked, or don't work, or are very inconvenient.

I went to get a placard for parking my car here on base. "Ma'am your registration is expired." Yes, I know this. I explained what happened, and how in Colorado you have an extra month to renew it. "Well we can't give you one if it's expired." Oh, ok thanks for your help. Asshole. I mean really? What are the odds of that - 1 in 12 I guess that the month he gets hurt, is right when I need to renew that stupid thing. So now I've sent my paperwork twice, and I think we're just going to go ahead and send it all in a third time for his car, just to get it done and avoid any late fees.

Even if we only have three appointments in the morning, somehow we still manage to be out until at least 4pm every day. It's like a full time job, no lie. There is no way I could ever work and be here for him. This shit is all.day.long. And it is exhausting.

We are ready for it to be done. Ready to go back to Colorado. Ready to have our dog and our old life back.

I haven't been nesting. In fact, I haven't really been thinking about the baby at all, except to make sure he's still moving in there. And that makes me feel bad. Sometimes I still forget I'm pregnant. Until I see myself in the mirror of course. Oh, and I went back to the doctor yesterday, a different one, who said everything is measuring fine still, at 3cm and not dilated. Go back in another two weeks to make sure, and hopefully we won't have to do any more cervical lengths for a while.

So anyway, that makes me a little nervous. He's going to creep up on us pretty quickly I think, and then life will become that much more difficult. We have no clue for a name. He will be Searles, Male for a while probably...

movie day

We watched SWAT starting at 0830. Then 127 Hours. Then A Cinderella Story with Hillary Duff - he thinks she's hot. Then Top Gun. Then U-571. Then we decided to go out and pay for a movie. But we really just should've stayed in bed. Now we're watching Italian Job.

Let me just give you a little insight as to how our days or nights go.

1800

After laying in bed all day, besides when we went upstairs for 'brunch', we decide to go to a movie.

1815

Decide we don't have enough time to eat first, before the 1950 movie, so nuke some bagel bites, stand in kitchen and eat them, and drink mello yello. healthy.

1830

Go get car, it's cold, and raining, pull around, load Jason, then load awkward wheelchair.

1835

Crap, movie starts at 1920, not 50.

1840

Encounter on base roadwork, detour all around BFE. Finally get to gate which actually lets us turn left, which is nice for once.

1850

Movie theater is only 1.5 miles away, but still have to find parking...in a city.

1900

Finally make it in parking garage, turn right - dead end - in a parking garage? really? No handicapped hangy thing still, so go down two levels and find a spot. Jason has to hop up a step to get to where the elevators are. Nice. Then it takes us to the inside of some office building, in which he has to go down 5 more stairs before finally getting to the sidewalk. Except that now we're on the opposite side of the garage. Getting frustrated.

1918

I say - "The movie will probably be sold out with our luck tonight."

1920

Get in line for tickets. Sign says Moneyball showing is sold out, but that's not what we wanted to see. (Movie is starting now, by the way) "Oh, that one is sold out too" she says with a smile on her face. Of course. (We wanted to see 50/50)

1925

Decide to go see 'What's Your Number' instead. Starts in 5 minutes. Not excited about spending money on that one. I considered it a red box movie.

1930

Navigate around a billion more staring jerks, get old popcorn and giant drinks like usual, and finally make it to the theater which is already dark of course because they're showing previews.

Thankfully we find a seat right in the back. But not so thankful that it happened to be right next to that really annoying movie goer guy who laughs really loud when no one else does, makes unnecessary comments during movie instead of just watching movie, sings along to all the soundtrack songs, and did I mention, laughs really loud when no one else does?

Never going to a movie on a Saturday night in Bethesda again.

Needless to say - we're chalking this up to life experience. And taking in to account where we never want to live. Ever. I am apparently no city girl. Hate. It. Everywhere you go, there is a process. And even more of a process because of our situation. I often think this is preparing me for motherhood in a not so nice way.

Last night we went to Target. Apparently my husband has forgotten what it's like to be married to me. We were there until they closed. He was so tired when we left. But he never complained. At every item, I stood there for about 5 minutes deciding whether or not it was really necessary. I do not want to clog this 'apartment' up with clutter, only to have to move it all back out in who knows how many months. He's not ready for the all day or night shopping trips I guess. And, baby won't be either. It's going to be a huge life adjustment. Not being able to just up and go, and go for however long I can stand. Have to prepare for everything, or be prepared for anything. I kind of feel that way now though. Have to remember to bring along his pills, just in case. And his as needed pain pills just in case. Hand sanitizer since he touches yucky things and can't really wash his hands because he only has one at the moment. Nothing like a baby would need - but I'm getting practice getting a wheelchair in and out of the car, so a stroller should be no problem! But, I definitely won't be able to wander around Target for 3 hours contemplating whether or not I really need something either.

Oh, and I got a parking 'warning.' Thank goodness it wasn't a ticket. At least I don't think it's a ticket.

And, the DMV never got the 59 bazillion papers I had to fill out, copy, or get notarized for them to renew our registration for the Jeep I have out here. Did I mention that already? So, I'm going to fill them out again, mail it certified, and make copies of everything. Now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do about his Jeep. It's sitting in the garage, but it will need to be renewed if I go out there and expect to drive it. But, will the insurance know if we haven't gotten it renewed? Do you have to get it renewed if you're not driving it? We're still paying it off. Hm. I hate the DMV.

You know when people say they feel like the whole world is against them? We, as a couple, are magnets to bad shit happening. Maybe we have very pessimistic outlooks on life. Maybe there is something psychologically wrong with us. I think that is a psych diagnosis actually - if you feel like everyone is against you. But how could you look at our situation and all the mumbo jumbo we deal with on a daily basis, and not think that? Where is the positive in all this? It is absolutely miserable! At least we're in it together. And at this point, we're starting to just expect it - which probably isn't good, but maybe if bad things don't happen and we expect them to, it will be a good day.

I blame todays misery on the weather. Yeah, that sounds like a good excuse :)

building 62

Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Well, it does.

It seems as though when we reach a new milestone, it comes with all kinds of really high hurdles to jump over. We've been anticipating discharge for over 6 weeks now. It came yesterday, and with it came a billion appointments and new things to put on our to do list. As if we don't have enough to worry about.

And oh by the way, someone else told us "No, you probably won't PCS here. You'll be attached for at least 180 days, and then we'll decide. But you can go back to Colorado for your MedBoard process if you want." Over.It.

My dog pees in my parents house. They shouldn't have to deal with that. I still haven't gotten our new Colorado registration stickers which expire after tomorrow. I already feel bad for the cop who pulls me over for that. Now we don't know when he can start school because we don't know where we'll be or for how long. I'm worried about him having some TBI. This is not home. Showering in a handicapped shower is miserable. His wheelchair runs in to everything. I need to go to Target like whoa, but there are too many appointments.

Yesterday I went to L&D Triage because they've made me paranoid with this whole cervical shortening and funneling thing. The doctor there measured it at over 3cm which is perfectly normal. Frustrating. But, hopefully one less thing to worry about.

I finally verbalized my frustrations I guess. I need Jason to let me take care of everything, and I need to organize his appointments and medications. But I also need him to try to be involved in trying to remember everything too. Just because I have an innate need to organize and control things, I need him to at least try, instead of letting me take the reins. Then I feel like I'm the only one doing it, and then I feel like my head is going to explode. He recognizes this. And I'm so very thankful for that. I need to figure out a way to express my frustrations without making him feel incompetent and useless.

I am a little worried though. He seems very foggy. Just can't remember anything or gets confused really easily. Appointments, meetings, etc. It could very well be the medications he's on. It could also be just the mere fact that he hasn't had to remember anything for the past 6 weeks. He thinks a lot slower than he used to, and it takes him much longer than usual to focus and remember things. It usually takes me saying it a couple times before he remembers, and by then I'm frustrated and my voice has that tone that he hates. And then he feels bad because he couldn't remember.

So our day started at 0700 and was filled with nonstop appointments until we got back to the room around 1600. It seemed like every appointment we went to wanted us to schedule another appointment with another service, and all the sudden all of next week is full too. And don't forget about the wonderful inprocessing checklist we have to do. Go here, here, and here, and get their signatures. And go to these briefs. And get a new ID card ASAP. "I wouldn't want to be caught on a military base walking around without an ID card." says his squad leader. Really? You don't think this is a special situation? Or, when they issue temporary cards, make them last longer than a month. And, he'll be promoted on Saturday. So can't we just wait till Monday instead of having to go back and get another one?! Not in the Army's brain. But we'll probably wait anyway. And go to the DMV because we still can't park in any handicapped spots even though I've been really tempted. You'd think they'd have someone on base to give those out.

He's sad that he can't help. We had to move everything from the hospital and hotel room yesterday, and he couldn't really do much. Plus, the meds make him pretty tired, and he fell asleep twice throughout the evening. I don't know, but as a man, I'm pretty sure that's not what you want to be feeling.

He's got so many appointments now that I'll have to go to my appointment next week alone. And I'm sad about that. I feel like saying, "come on, I only have one, can't we work around that?!" But, it's not about me.

I need for him to be back in Afghanistan when everything was normal. Normal for us. I need for us to be the way we were. I need for him to start remembering things better. I need for him to not have any TBI. I need for him to have his foot back. I need for everyone else to realize that even the smallest, most insignificant things aren't easy anymore. I need for people to know what we're going through, because I feel like this is a very unfair distribution of life events.

Today while we were meeting with one of the doctors, he was trying to be nice by making conversation, but it didn't help. He was saying "ohh, a baby, those first few years are really hard..." great. Like we didn't think about that before we decided to do this, but we also didn't think about doing it in a foreign place with a million unknowns. Don't they say having a baby is one of the most stressful things you can do in life? So is this. I don't even want to know what else is in store for us for the rest of our lives!

Now there is no structure to my thoughts. So I'll save you from my misery and end this here. Must rest up for another full day of appointments. Can't wait for the weekend, and sleeping in!