Natalie: 3.5 years

January 2nd, 2018 (almost 7 months late)

Natalie Jane -

I just logged in to this site for the first time since last January...when I did your brothers 5 year post. Sadly, I never wrote one for your 3rd birthday! So, here it is...7 months late...I'm sorry sweet girl!

For your birthday, we celebrated as a family. You had Trolls everything. A cake, balloons, plates, napkins, etc. We went to Build-a-Bear and you chose a big Princess Poppy to stuff. You got a special outfit for her and everything.

You were Princess Poppy for Halloween!

Also for your third birthday, your daddy potty trained you in three days! Since mommy's birthday is 4 days after yours, daddy asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him to potty train you! And he did such a great job! You were literally done in 3 days. NOW, we went on a 3 week vacation to Virginia/North Carolina right after that, and you started having accidents again. But by the time school started in the fall, you pretty much got it together big girl.

You also got to sit forward facing in your car seat for the first time! You loved this. But every now and then you will ask to sit backwards and be a baby again!

Now that you're three and a half though, you are dying to be 4, and even 5. You're always asking 'am I this many?' and holding up 3 fingers. Yes, dear. You're still 3. "Well on my next birthday I will be four and then I will be five just like dubby." (Dubby is what you call your brother, I think it came from us calling him Bubby, and for some reason you picked Dubby, and it stuck. Your dad hopes you call him this forever!)




You started your first ballet class in the fall as well! Mommy was SO excited for this milestone. You have gone through some moments of not wanting to dance, but so far you're sticking with it. I hope you will dance at your spring recital! Stay tuned for that one...





You have so much personality now. We are finally able to braid your hair, but only half way :) We can do little pony tails too. Some days you just don't want it done, but I'm trying to grow out the front so you don't end up with the awful childhood bowl cut I had. But that means hair in your eyes all the time unless we put it back. I'm sure it bothers me more than it bothers you.



You are thriving in PreSchool - Mrs. Bartletts M/W class, the same as your brother (minus the Friday). We adore her. You're learning how to write your name and are still deciding whether you'll be right or left handed. Your first BFF is Brinley, and you two fight like sisters. When she comes over to play you're very bossy and protective of your things, but then cry when she leaves. You're very confusing sometimes!

Your favorite foods are apples, pears, grapes, oranges, yogurt, cereal, chocolate milk, apple juice, applesauce, goldfish, fruit snacks, and cream cheese bread.

In October, you had your first surgery - you had to have 4 silver caps put on all your molars. We tried to do it under conscious sedation in the office but as soon as he tried to drill you said no way! So we had to go to the hospital and have you put under general anesthesia so they could get them on. I was so nervous to let them do that, but they let me walk back to the OR with you until you were asleep. You woke up and cried because you wanted to suck your thumb (but they didn't know that) and they had both your hands wrapped up from the IV and pulse ox. As soon as I unwrapped them and you could suck your thumb, you were fine. Just sleepy. For a few days they hurt and you weren't used to them. You kept saying "take these silver teeth out mommy, I don't want them anymore". And every time we go to the dentist you say "Let me see your silver teeth mommy!" :)

Overall, your third year has been so fun! We have watched you grow in to quite the little sassy pants. You have strong opinions and a lot of love for your big brother. You love hugs, and your bun bun. You are now sleeping most nights in your own big girl bed instead of on mommy's floor. You are strong, independent, smart, and hilarious. We are so excited to see what your fourth year brings!

We love you so much, Natty Girl!
xoxo
mom&dad

Cooper: 5 Years

April 25, 2017

Cooper! You're FIVE! And I'm SO late in writing this!

Let's see, in your first weeks as a 5 year old, you decided you were done sucking your thumb.

"Mommy?" you said..."I think I'm ready for that stuff that makes your thumb taste gross..."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"

When it arrived 2 days later, you met the mail man at the front steps, ripped the box open, and asked to put it on right away. Not an exaggeration. I don't exaggerate. You accidentally slipped twice, and never again. To this day...I am supremely impressed by this. I've told this story to everyone I know, and no one seems as impressed as I want them to be. I want to say "WAIT! Did you hear what I just said!? He just stopped sucking his thumb on his own free will! A habit he's had his entire life! And he just stopped! IN ONE DAY!" But, I don't say those things. I just keep them to myself. You are five years old. You literally said to yourself "I'm ready now." AND YOU DID IT. I will never, ever forget that. It just shows me how great your strong will can be. You had trouble falling asleep for a few weeks, and we reapplied the "thumb stuff" a couple of times, but that was it. You're officially done sucking your thumb!

You are making such incredible strides! Mommy and Daddy are too! We are all learning how to communicate better, and be more present.

You are in your last year of pre school at Calvary, and you're learning so much! You can now write all letters upper case and lower case, you know your address, and you are learning your last name. You are SO excited for kindergarten. Mommy is not. You will start the first week of August here in Colorado which will be a big adjustment for all of us! I know you will do so great though.

Anyway, for your fifth birthday, we had your first big Colorado party. You invited all your classmates, and had a soccer party with Coach Luke. A lot of kids came, and you all had so much fun! You had soccer cupcakes afterwards, and opened all your presents. You certainly loved being the star of the show, and there were no tears!

Your meltdowns and tantrums have almost stopped. There are the occasional whiney fits and testing, but now you're learning how to be fairly sneaky. So far this week you have opened a bag of marshmallows and shared it with your sister in the 10 minutes daddy left you alone while mommy was at work, you came downstairs early and ate 5 reeces peanut butter eggs for breakfast one morning (and quickly fessed up to it), and most recently you drew on the TV screen with permanent marker...and then quickly remedied it with the magic eraser.

You are becoming extremely independent, and we are working on integrity and trust. You are a huge help to your sister, and love her SO much. I love to watch you two play together. You are always a concerned big brother in the morning when you hear her wake up. You'll go in there and climb in her crib with her. It's my most favorite thing to watch on the monitor. Until you start trying to push her out of the crib in to her laundry basket for a "soft landing".

Five will be our best year yet, I have no doubt. So many changes happening this year! You are so SMART, and incredibly intuitive. You remember things that I don't, from years ago. You love hugs and singing along to all the most current songs on the radio. You love playing outside and with any sort of water. You're starting to sound out letters and words, and will probably be reading soon. Your favorite show is Wild Kratts and Paw Patrol. Your favorite foods are still chicken nuggets, almost any kind of fruit, yogurt, granola bars, and chewing gum!

Mommy is learning how to do this life with you, daddy, and Natalie the best way I possibly can. Our goal for you is that you grow up to be happy, healthy, grounded, kind, and caring. We are doing all we can to help you develop those qualities. You have such a wonderful personality already, I can't wait to see who you become.

We love you SO much, Cooper. I wish nothing but the best for you, always.
xoxo
mommy

Natalie: 2 years

July 15, 2016

A month late, I know. But you and your brother require all of my attention and time these days.

For your second birthday, we celebrated as a family of four at our home here in Colorado. We woke up with the happy birthday song and then surprised you with a decorated dining room - a giant "2" balloon and streamers. You said "Whatttttt?!" Cooper was so excited to help you celebrate. You had pancakes with sprinkles and ate them with your new sunglasses on. You got a new outfit, coloring book and crayons, sunglasses, and a purse from mommy and daddy. But your favorite were the noise makers.

Later in the day we sang happy birthday again and you blew out the candles all by yourself! You did such a great job!

In your second year, you learned how to talk all of the sudden - you are a parrot now. You mimic absolutely everything your brother does which can be a bad thing sometimes. You look up to him so much and follow him around everywhere. Your favorite foods are goldfish, fruit snacks, any kind of real fruit, and "toast" (bread…not toasted…you throw a fit if we toast it). You are cutting the last of your molars, and it's taking quite a while. You have a chipped front tooth thanks to your brother sticking his foot out in front of you and you hit it on a water bottle on the way down.

You loved playing in the sand at the beach, but did not want to go anywhere near the water. You preferred to eat snacks the entire time you were on the beach. You tried so hard to keep up with all your older boy cousins while we were at the beach as well. You got many skinned knees doing that! You love riding your bike with Cooper, and probably love wearing your helmet more.

You love bath time, the river, and warmed up to Grandpop's pool pretty quickly…but not the ocean quite yet. You love to tell us when it's raining out.

Your favorite word is No. And not just any no - a screaming no. We're working on that. You have learned how to say a very cute 'yes' as well.

We are patching your left eye three times a week to try to help strengthen the muscles in your right eye and you don't enjoy that very much but you are still doing a pretty good job of keeping your glasses on.

You sleep with your purple bunny every night and love to read a lot of books and then listen to music with mommy or daddy.

You are strong willed and opinionated and so SMART.

You give the best hugs and kisses my sweet Natty girl, mommy and daddy love you so much!
We can't wait to see you grow this year.
xoxo

i'm putting it all out there...

22 April 2016

You guys…I haven't read that viral blog that's been going around yet - but from some of your posts, I've gathered that it's about finding your village during motherhood, how much it sucks, but that it's all still so beautiful. So maybe I just won't read it. Maybe one of my blog posts will go viral, too. Probably not.

I interrupted my favorite chore because I was so anxious to write this. So the folded laundry just sits on my bed, instead of being put away. And, I'm never in my bed, other than for sleep, but the state of my house right now deemed that I must be in my bed because otherwise I will have a nervous breakdown from being surrounded by my house.

I'll paint you a picture: There is not one single clean inch of counter space. It is all covered with stuff. Crumbs. Mail to be filed. Magazines that will never get read. Clorox tabs that need to be put in the toilets. Toys that have been thrown and confiscated. Dirty butter knives from all the buttered toast Natalie and I have been eating since diarrhea is consuming our life. Various tools from Jason's projects. Dirty dish towels. Dirty crock pot. Crumbs. You get the idea.

Lets move to the kitchen table. Play doh. Play doh. Play doh. Dirty paper plates from breakfast and lunch. Coats hanging on the chairs. Chairs that are now on the floor because my 4 year old cannot control his anger. Chairs that will stay there until he picks them up. Garden plans and layouts. Garden how to's for dummies. Napkins. Dirty napkins. Crumbs. Under the table? Various matchbox cars and crumbs.

The living room? I vacuumed last week. Crumbs. Trash. Dirty plates from breakfast. 100 water cups. Blankets on the floor in a ball. Toys strewn everywhere, all on their side. Hand and finger prints all over the TV screen.

So I can't be downstairs right now. We got a new bed a couple months ago - it's a King. I got all white linens for it. Gasp! All white! But it makes me feel clean. And happy. And crisp. And that is NOT what is downstairs right now. So I needed to be here, to write…rather, ramble, about how much I am slowly and painfully drowning in motherhood.

Which brings me to my next ailment. Besides the diarrhea bug I caught from Natalie…

Cooper.

This boy. You guys. I don't know if I'll even be able to put it in to words. But I'm going to try. And I hope one day when he's 30, I will read this and say "Oh, Stephanie, I wish you had just relaxed and enjoyed it." Except that this post will remind me that there is no possible way one can enjoy being abused by their preschooler.

Let me back up: Last night out of NOWHERE while playing with his hot wheels garage, which we do every night before bed - we all gather in his room and play and decompress and read books and all be together - he says "You can drop me off with a new mom and dad." And I about lost my mind. It ate me up. I begged and pleaded with him that he didn't understand that NO ONE in this entire UNIVERSE loves him more than his dad and I. NO ONE. He's 4, he doesn't care what I say. And I'm starting to think that will never change.

It took me weeks and maybe months to feel the intense motherly love with both of my kids…but now? My biggest fear is something happening to them. I will not survive that. More than that, what if, in this crazy ass world, they get taken away from me? NO ONE understands him like we do! Oh, I cannot go there.

So there's that.

But there's also the fact that lately, his behavior and attitude have been abhorrent. We are trying EVERYTHING to combat it. Last week I had to put every toy he threw in a trash bag. They are still sitting in the garage. He could care less. Today, I had to add more toys to that lot, because he continues to throw things. The side of my face was narrowly spared today - if I had entered the room one millisecond sooner, it would have been smashed with a tonka police car. The dining room chairs are all laying on the floor as stated previously, because of this anger.

Anger because I have to tighten his car seat straps tight, and then he isn't able to touch the roof of the car. Anger because he lost his chance at getting a new night light for good behavior because he threw a fit due to the previously stated event. Anger because I turned the music up loud enough to drown out his screams. Anger because he threw his shoe at me while I was driving and I refused to give it back. Anger because I put it in the trash bag full of thrown toys and said he had to earn it back. Anger because I was ignoring him. Anger because I locked myself in the bathroom because he wouldn't stop pulling on my shirt, touching me, hitting me, or kicking me. Anger because he doesn't get his way. Always. Every. Day.

Where does it come from? Is it my fault? I am trying Love & Logic. I am trying the wooden spoon. I am trying a timer. I am trying natural consequences. I have tried the shock factor of smacking his face when he's disrespectful…and then he starts hitting more at school and acting out. I am now trying NOT to touch him at all. I am trying to ignore him. I am trying to model the behavior I want to see in him. I am trying to remove myself from the situation. He finds me. I am trying to exhibit self control. I am trying to talk to him calmly. I am trying to whisper when I am so angry I want to scream. I am trying to love him harder. I am trying to praise his every good choice to an annoying extent. I am trying to praise him so loud, that everyone else can hear and they all look at him proudly. I am trying to keep the TV off. I am trying to get him outside more. I am trying to limit the treats. I am trying to be in charge. I am trying to let him make appropriate choices. I am trying to let him help me all the time. I am trying to involve him in everything we do. I am trying to keep him active. I am trying to help him excel. I am trying. So. Hard.

Why isn't any of this working? Why do I feel so alone in this struggle? No one I have talked to goes through this…almost daily…with their child. The arguing. "No. I don't want to" EVERY DAY. For everything we ask him to do. When can I go to sleep at night and not be exhausted from arguing WITH A 4 YEAR OLD?! Why does everything need to be questioned? Where is the trust that I am his mother, and I only want the very best for him so that means LISTEN THE FIRST TIME.

Sometimes I feel so far beyond done, I'm just numb. I haven't cried in months. Isn't that healthy? To  cry? I can't even feel emotions anymore to cry if I wanted to. I have no village here. I don't need sympathy. I just need a village. I need people that I can call and drop him off and they will love him just as hard as I do, and not get annoyed with him or so mad at him that they send him back home and never allow him back. I have a very select few of those people here, but only in an emergency would I ask them to watch him. I don't ever want to burden anyone else with taking care of him, because I know how challenging he is. Don't even get me started on school - when he starts kindergarten I'm going to be a hot mess. Everyone tells me not to worry, he'll likely grow out of it. But what if he doesn't?!

And Natalie just sits by and watches it all happen. I'm sure I will have to repeat this whole process sooner than I expected.

You guys, the struggle is so real it hurts. I question my decision to become a mother moreso now than ever before. I'm not sure I was cut out for this. Or if I have the endurance to do it for another 16 years at least. To be owned by a preschooler is a harsh reality. Wondering if I produced someone who is not going to be kind and humble in this scary and mean world, is one of the worst feelings for me, and one I struggle with daily. Among the thoughts of ADHD or ADD or Autism or ODD or anything else in the medical diagnosing world. It all just brings me to my knees and keeps me so numb I can't even think about the positive anymore.

In a world where we are all so incredibly connected, many villages have formed. But they're all still virtual. There are so many resources and advice columns and how to's out there it makes me want to puke. How can we be so over saturated with information and still so clueless and lonely? I am trying to absorb everything, anything that could help him be a good person, and then I try to ignore it all, because a mother's instinct should know best right? Apparently not in this day and age.

I need the people who will come to my house at a moments notice and not get mad at me when my kid is a jerk to theirs. Instead, they will hug me and tell me he is normal, and it will all be ok. That I am NOT a bad mother, and he IS a great kid. And they'll be sincere about it. They won't leave thinking to themselves "well, we're never going back there again." So really, this is all stemming from a lack of confidence in myself. Another thing I do not want to pass on to my children.

Do you see what I mean? I don't think I made sense of any of what just transpired in my house. I made sense of the fact that I have NO CLUE what I am doing. That nothing I do seems to be working, and that motherhood is like looking in a mirror. I see everything in my parenting that I do not want to see in my children as they grow. It's like a sick, twisted little game, this parenting deal.

I am not a sunshine and rainbows person. Never have been. Never will be. I AM actively trying to not be AS negative, as I see the effects it has on my mirror images now, but I will never stop being real. I can see the effects of constantly nagging a child to do something or to do something a certain way - it is dangerous. I will also never be one of those moms who loves every second of parenting. I will never love it when my child hits, kicks, and screams at me. I will never look at him with a smile and say "I can see you're angry…" nope. not me. I'm just SO TIRED of the constant inner dialogue in my head…"what if i say it this way, will he listen? will this turn in to an argument? will it stick this time? will we have to have this conversation again? will he have a melt down? will this punishment ruin him for life? what am i supposed to do with this? how do i handle this situation the 'right' way? will this be the day we turn a corner?" constant. It's just constant in my brain.



And, by the way, after that car narrowly missed my face, I took him to his room, reminded him that anything he threw would get thrown away, and now he is asleep. Which is why I have the time to write this. He hasn't napped in a year, and I'm not stopping it.

I have nothing else. Nothing else to write, or say, or give. The children take it all out of me. They take it all. Still, I feel selfish. For having these feelings. For feeling so resentful and angry. When I figure it all out, they will be grown.

My most favorite boy in the whole wide world. Still so small in that big bed. It won't be too long before I'm not folding his little minion underpants anymore. I do love every inch of their beings. They are mine forever, and I'll be damned if I let this get the best of me. 

Now, I need a drink. 

Cooper - 4 Years

January 7, 2016

I'm a month late in writing this, but it's been weighing on my mind ever since you turned 4!

I felt really pulled to write today, after a little bit of a rough afternoon.

It's actually February 2nd, and we just had the biggest snow storm I've witnessed since living in Colorado. It didn't get the news coverage that the East coast's latest storm did, but it's still huge for us. The past two days have been snow days for you and your dad at school, so it's been fun to have everyone home together. During the school year, mommy has to work every weekend so I am able to be home with you and Natalie during the week while daddy is at school - which leaves very little family time! But, usually, before we know it, the semester is over and our routine is changing a little more.

Anyway, I felt like today you defined your personality in such a perfect way - so perfect, that I wanted to write about it. Because people just don't understand what kind of child you are - and I guess I can't expect them to. But I also don't want the advice or fake sympathy from someone who doesn't understand or have a child like you. Obviously, there is no one else like you in this entire world!

You are so intelligent that sometimes I forget you are only 4. I feel like I am negotiating a hostage situation with you on a daily basis. It is a constant struggle for control. More often than not, I give up, because in my mind, it's just not worth the struggle. But, it took me about 3.5 years to realize that this was only going to have negative effects in the long run. Now I am determined to be in charge.

So today. On snow day #2, Dad made us all pancakes. You asked for…rather, demanded…strawberries with your pancakes. I cut some up and put them on your plate. You never touched them. When I asked you to finish them, you refused. I informed you that you would eat them with your lunch.

We came in from playing in the snow, and you asked for your normal hot chocolate with marshmallows. You asked to help stir it, and I obliged. You asked for the lunchable with the chocolate chip cookie, and I obliged. I gave you the strawberries, and you pushed them away rudely. I reminded you that you needed to eat at least 2 of them with your lunch or I would have to confiscate your hot chocolate. You threw a fit. I took the hot chocolate.

Eventually I set the timer for 15 minutes for you to finish eating your lunch or you'd have to go to your room. You had already been there for 20 minutes. Ample time to eat lunch. Instead, you were fidgeting and squirming and playing around. The timer went off and you weren't finished which bought you time in your room. Finally, when the time out was over, I asked you one last time if you'd eat those strawberries so you could have your hot chocolate or was I to just throw it away? Throw it away, you said.

You came down and begrudgingly finished your lunch. And watched me throw away that hot chocolate because you refused to eat two strawberries. These weren't even whole strawberries! They were cut up!

---

I feel like this defines your personality in so many ways, Cooper! What kind of child would watch their beloved hot chocolate with marshmallows get thrown away? Why not just eat the strawberries?

The same kid who would rather sit in time out to be sure they were still in control of their situation. The kid who could care less about missing out on play time or circle time or whatever it may be. Natural consequences don't seem to work with you. You are much more concerned about being in control of every situation and in charge of everyone else. We're pretty sure you've inherited this from your grandmother.

I try to remind myself that these qualities will be so useful when you an adult. You will be so successful if we can channel this energy in a positive way. If we can teach you empathy and respect. If we can teach you how to put others first, and to think before you speak.

You are so smart, and intuitive. You remember everything we tell you, whether you act like it or not. You love to learn new things and teach others what you know. You love to be in charge, in the lead, and are rarely shy. Generally, you are very tender and sweet to Natalie. You two have gotten in to it before, but mostly you like playing with each other. You're still learning how to play with a toddler and share with her since she just likes to knock down your buildings and snatch your cars.

You can write most of your name, and draw self portraits. You love to build with your magna tiles, and play with your hot wheels cars. You know how to dress yourself, and pick out your own clothes…much to your mothers dismay. Your favorite show is Paw Patrol. The only thing you seem to eat these days are chicken nuggets, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and fruit. You will eat cucumbers and carrots with ranch, but that's as far as we can get with the veggies. You love milk and water.

You are in preschool three days a week and love every second of it. Your teachers love you, too. It took a couple months for you to warm up to the schedule, but you are having consistent good days now.

You continue to be my sweet boy, my most favorite 4 year old in the land. You and I have a bond like no other. You love to snuggle every night and every morning. You are still sucking that thumb. We are challenged by you every day, and I know it's making us all better people, and a stronger family. We love to watch you grow and learn new things every day. You amaze us daily.

Keep questioning the world, sweet boy, it's yours to conquer!
xoxo
mommy

Natalie - 18 Months

December 9, 2015

Natalie girl! You are finally walking! You waited until literally a week before your 18 month mark to start trying it out. You stressed me out as per usual! But now you walk every where! Everywhere!

I think we'll have to say bye to the baby gate soon as you love exploring your home on your two feet now. You have a mind of your own, and you're on a mission. Dare I say we may have another strong willed child on our hands…

You can say 'uh-oh!' in the correct context, and "Hiiiiii!" with a big cheese face grin. But so far that's it in the world of words. You can sign 'milk', 'all done', 'more', and 'please', but you'd rather not if you're not required to.

You have done great with your glasses. You keep them on almost all the time and only pull them off if you're tired or bored…or trying to make mom mad. The eye doctor said your eye is still turning in a little more than she'd like with the glasses, and they may strengthen the prescription next visit or think about patching! Mommy totally didn't want to hear that! But, it would only be for a couple hours each day, so that's doable. Anything to keep you out of surgery!

Dad is still worried that you'll never grow any hair, but it's coming in. It's very light, and will probably be pretty fine like mommy's. Sorry for that baby girl! It will be a long while before we are able to do any pony tails.

You are enjoying playing with Cooper more and more each day, and I think he's enjoying it too! He's been experimenting with your balance as you've started to walk and he's done some typical big brother things like trip you and 'accidentally' knock you over. You usually say 'uh oh!' and get right back up! You will be one tough little girl thanks to him!

We started going to the Kids Club at the gym, and you've done so great with that transition! At first you were pretty hesitant about the guys that worked there, but every time I pick you up, you're happy and they always tell me what a great baby you are. They say you play the whole time you're there and just laugh and smile. I love that you're learning to play with other kids your age - I think next year we will enroll you in jr preschool at Cooper's school and you will do fabulous!

Daddy and I love to watch you grow, learn, and explore! You are so sweet and tender, and love to observe others. You have a fearless streak, as you have already flipped out of the bath tub, and will climb the stairs with no hesitation. You poop in the tub weekly, as well.

We love getting to know your spunky personality! I can't wait to see who you become!
xoxo
Mommy

Threenager

Sweet Cooper,

My how you have challenged us this year! And are continuing to challenge us. Your daddy and I remind ourselves daily that we are the best parents for you. Some days it is much harder than others. We are learning more and more about you every day. We used to think you were very flexible, but are starting to learn that you thrive on routine. Something your mom mom has said from day one, but we are starting to really see the effects of any changes. You are officially potty trained now, and that came with a lot of resistance, but in the end, only took a couple of months. You love to be the center of attention, and if there are too many people around, you tend to act out in order to ensure the attention is all on you. We are scratching our heads every day, trying new techniques to help you understand the importance of being respectful and making the right choices. Teaching character traits has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far. Mommy is learning a lot of patience and deep breathing techniques through it all. With a strong will comes a lot of manipulation, and I am struggling with balancing and picking my battles. Some days it feels as though I am fighting a never ending battle. And sometimes it feels that way for weeks on end. Nonstop. All day. Every day. And then there is a reprieve. And it's almost as if you are just as tired of the arguing as I am. You become my sweet, eager to please, helpful little boy. "Would you like some lunch?" "Sure, Mommy!" It is so refreshing to hear that sweet voice. When I want to say "You are driving me insane! I don't want to do this any more!" I try to remind myself to say "Cooper, come here, hug me, I love you very much" Maybe I think the answer to all of this is just smothering him with love. Maybe I just do it because I don't know what else to do, and I am terrified of him growing up remembering all the times I lost my patience or got insanely frustrated with him. But literally, when he is in the midst of his many refusals, I am at a loss. Especially when we are in public. What do I do? He is getting too big for me to just carry him out kicking and screaming. Any kind of bargaining makes it way worse. It just fuels the fire. It is embarrassing sometimes, I feel judged and completely out of control. But, at the end of the day, he always comes at me with his tiny little voice "mommy, i want you to snuggle with me" and then he'll run his hands up and down my arm and stroke my face. And I think about the days events and wonder what I could have done differently. I blame myself sometimes for the way he reacts in situations. I feel like a psych nurse sometimes because I am constantly running through my head potential outcomes of any given situation and what I should do to prevent certain things from happening. But the whole point of this post was to say - you are difficult, Cooper. But I know you were given to us for a reason. Your dad and I have nothing but wonderful intentions for you. We know you will be SO successful because of your drive and intelligence. And I want you to know that even when I am at my breaking point with you, I will always love you so, so much. You are my special boy. I love the smell of you sweaty head after a long day, when you're rubbing your earlobe against my arms. 'I wuv you mommy'.
I love you too, sweet boy. Always and forever.

Natalie: Months 10, 11, and 12!

April 9th, 2015 - 10 Months

In this month you got your first pair of glasses! They are lavender and I think they are so cute! I promise not to ever put you in ugly ones :) Mommy was worried about your eyes from day one - because I had to have surgery when I was 18 months old, so I didn't want you to have to have the same things. Around month 8 we took you to the eye doctor because one of your eyes still wanted to turn in a little.  They dilated your eyes and discovered that you are very farsighted and because you were straining so much to see close up, it was causing the one eye to turn inwards a bit. The shape of your eye is also shorter than most, so the light is refracting different than it should. Hopefully by wearing the glasses, the straining will stop, and you will be able to avoid surgery. You will probably have to wear glasses or contacts for the rest of your life, but maybe in your lifetime the technology will improve and there will be a risk free fix! Some people think they're fake...which is pretty dumb, because I don't know any one who enjoys trying to keep anything on a 10 month old's face for fun.

We moved in to a new house in this month and you finally got your own room! You transitioned really well! Once we got you some curtains, you started sleeping much better, too. When we moved in, your room was a dark purple, and we lightened it up to a color called 'splash of lilac'. It's much softer now, and we love it.

You weren't so sure of the new house at first, but you have quickly fallen in to a new routine here. You love looking outside while you eat, and chasing Cooper around in the basement playroom. You're crawling like a champ now, but not quite pulling up yet. We switched to your big girl car seat and you love that too, although you get antsy after being in the car for longer than 30 minutes usually.

You are very serious, and it takes a lot to get any sort of smile out of you, but when we do, it is the sweetest face we've ever seen. We love you Natty girl, you are such a blessing to our family. xoxo

May 9th, 2015 - 11 Months

In your eleventh month, we took your one year pictures which turned out so cute! We continued to figure out our new routine in our new house. We have taken many walks in the evenings to the playgrounds. There are two by our house! You love swinging! And people watching. You have started to pull yourself up to standing, but are still very cautious. You make different sounds like 'mamamama' and 'dadadada' but haven't associated it with a person yet. We are introducing sign language but you haven't quite got the hang of that yet. We'll keep trying, Cooper didn't pick it up until much later. You love Chick-fil-a nuggets, and watching your brother play on the equipment there. It became our Tuesday routine while daddy was in night classes to take Cooper to soccer and then go eat dinner at Chick-fil-a.

You continue to be my easy going girl...as long as you're being held by me...or completely distracted with what you're doing. You are so serious, and very observant. We love you so much, and are still in awe that we have a sweet daughter to call ours. Can't wait to watch you continue to grow - and your dad can't wait to watch your hair grow more! xoxo sweet girl

June 9th, 2015 - ONE YEAR!

Sweet Natalie! You're one! I just can't believe it! This past year went so. fast. That's not even a joke. I remember clear as day when you were a tiny little newborn and I was wishing for my full nights sleep back. I remember thinking I would never be able to sleep again. Ever. Like, I had written it off. It would never happen in our house again.

But! Just when I accepted that fact, you settled in to your routine, and how glorious that was! You have become such a sweet little girl over these past 12 months. You absolutely love being around your mom, and usually cry in her presence unless she is holding you while standing. You love your daddy just as much, and have had lots of quality time with him while mom is at work. You only laugh your hardest at your brother. You share a very special bond with him, and it warms my heart to watch that evolve.

You love music and lights, reading books, and pulling them all off the shelf, taking things out of the basket and then putting them back in, lima beans, watermelon, cantaloupe, cheerios, moms milk, and popsicles. You do not love cows milk, green beans, carrots, prune juice, or the sippy cup.

You have a very nice routine of a long morning nap, and sometimes an afternoon one as well. You are pulling up to stand and starting to cruise while holding on to furniture. You are still real good about keeping your glasses on, and look so sweet in them.

For your first birthday we were actually on a plane to Virginia. But we had your party on the 14th, and we celebrated with family at your Grandpops house. Mommy, Daddy, Cooper, Grandpop, MiMi, Mom Mom, Poppy, your Great Grandmom and Grandpop from Pennsylvania, Aunt Maureen, Uncle Mike and Aunt Lisa, Melissa, Josh & Drew, Tammy, Phillip & Gabe, Aunt Brett and Uncle Craig, Cam and Max, Lisa, Brian, Breanna, Becca, and Michaela were all there to sing to you! You got lots of fun girl toys and pretty outfits. You loved your cupcake, though it took a little convincing to finish it up.

Natalie: Months 7, 8, and 9

January 9, 2015

You are 7 months old, Natalie girl! You are finally rolling over! You love to babble and talk to your mom mom on FaceTime. Everyone who sees you out, comments on how beautiful you are, and you always smile back at them.

You do NOT like eating food yet! Mommy and Daddy keep trying, but you still gag and try to chew it. You get maybe a few spoonfuls, before you completely turn away from it. We've tried sweet potatoes, squash, applesauce, pears, oatmeal, and bananas. So far, you've done the best with sweet potatoes, but you'd still just rather breastfeed.

You are still a great sleeper, thank goodness. Your nap schedule is always a little iffy, but as long as you sleep at night, mommy and daddy are happy!

You're starting to reach for things, especially our phones, and I think you're starting to get frustrated when you can't get to them.

You're almost up on all fours, trying to crawl, you rock back and forth, but usually end up pushing yourself backwards. That pushes you farther from your toys, and then you start getting angry.

You love watching your big brother run around. He loves to act silly which always makes you laugh. It's so great to watch you two interact.

February 9, 2015

In your eighth month, we discovered that you just didn't like pureed foods. But you'll finger feed yourself chunks of food no problem! So, your diet consists mostly of puffs :/, avocado, and bananas. I wasn't quite sure what to do with a baby eating real solids this early, so I'm more hesitant to give you foods that aren't really soft. We tried chunks of butternut squash and peas, but you always pick out the puffs or banana!

We took you to the eye specialist because your right eye still wants to wander inward when you're focusing on things. I'm really hypersensitive about that since I had to have surgery on my eyes when I was still so little, and have had glasses almost my entire life. So, while everyone kept telling me it was fine and that you'd grow out of it, I had a gut feeling you wouldn't. Sure enough, she said you have three times the normal far sightedness for your age, and that's causing you to strain to focus on things up close which is causing your eye to turn inwards. She gave you 8 more weeks to see if there would be any significant changes, although she wasn't hopeful, so we'll go back next month and maybe put you in glasses. I feel guilty about it because I certainly don't want people staring at you for the wrong reasons, but I know it will be good for you, and hopefully we can avoid surgery all together if we start this early enough.

March 9, 2015

Happy 9 months, my sweet girl!

You continue to be fairly mellow and laid back, as was your brother at this age. You are finally sitting up by yourself, but only if we put you in that position. I was worried that your development was a little behind, but then I realized I wasn't giving you much of a chance to practice your skills! So we play a lot more on the floor now, as opposed to in your bouncer. I liked having you in there to protect you from your wild brother, though! You have been getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth like you want to crawl for some time now. You are just starting to move your legs underneath you but haven't quite figured out that you need to move your arms too! But you get around just fine by rolling and a little bit of army crawling.

There are two more teeth peeking through. Just like your brother, the first top teeth you'll get are not the middle ones, but the outer ones right next to those.

Feeding yourself has been a fun adventure! It's so messy every time, because you insist on doing it yourself! The only thing you'll let me spoon feed you is yogurt! We can't get you to eat vegetables like you'll inhale avocado and banana though. We've tried squash, sweet potato, carrots, and peas. You'll eat them, but if there's a choice, you'll definitely choose something else. Cheerios are a new favorite too.

You seem to have a very special connection with your brother, you'll only laugh really hard for him. It's so sweet to watch the two of you together. You're starting to become interested in his toys though, so it could get interesting soon! He's usually very good about giving you something to hold, and if you start crying he'll rush to you and pat your head and say "It's ok Natalie girl, shhhhh!"

The jury is still out on who you look like the most. It's split down the middle as far as people thinking you look more like me or your dad. I see a lot more of me in you than I do in your brother at least. But we almost always get comments on how cute you are, or how well behaved you are. Today, you went the entire day with no nap because I had to take you to work with me for an event, and even I was shocked that you didn't have any sort of meltdown! You cat napped in the car for about 10 minutes, and that was it! I was so impressed! I am so glad you are so flexible with us!

We love you sweet girl, I can't believe you're already 9 months old! The time has certainly flown, and before we know it your birthday will be here! Next month, you will finally have your own room!

love you, natty!
xoxo

Cooper: 3 Years

January 2015

Cooper,

Sincerely, Liz inc

You are three! I just can't believe it. It feels like yesterday that I was writing about how hard it was adjusting to being a new mommy, how hard breastfeeding was for us, and how stressed you were making me when you were a newborn!

Now you are a little boy! I'm not sure where the past three years went. You have grown SO much. You are incredibly smart, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom. You speak a language that sometimes I think only I understand - because it is so complex for your little body, that others don't understand what you're trying to say or why you're saying it. You correlate things so well - and have an awesome memory.

You can identify a few letters, mostly the ones in your name. You remember songs that I didn't even know you knew. We sing together every night before bed, a song I made up a long time ago, and now it's a must for you. Daddy or I sing it, and you hum along. You request songs in the car now, and you will sing to Natalie if she's crying.

I'm almost positive you will be left handed like your mommy.

Banana yogurt is your favorite these days. Along with raisins, cereal, PB&J, mac&cheese, chicken nuggets, peanuts, pretzels, milk, and grapes. Pretty standard diet for a three year old, I'd say.

We are struggling with potty training you because you are SO strong willed. You do NOT want to sit on the potty, ever.

You've moved up to the 'big kid' room at day care - 3 and 4 year olds. So you're having a hard time adjusting to all new kids, new teachers, and new routines, including potty training at school. You used to love going to school, and would wake up on the weekends wanting to go. But now, you usually say 'I don't want to go to my big room, mommy." And it breaks my heart every single day. I know it's one of those things I have to do as a mom, and it's the hardest thing I've had to do, to date. It will only get harder if I succumb and just pull you out of daycare because I feel so sad every day, because eventually you will have to go to Kindergarten and we really won't have a choice in that matter. Your new teachers say you're quiet, which we know isn't true of you, and that you keep to yourself. You came from a room where you were king of the castle, knew how everything worked, had a great group of friends, and LOVED your teachers! I know they are treating you well, but I think you're just well outside of your comfort zone and don't love going anymore. Mommy is trying her hardest to push through these tough transition weeks until you make some new friends and start loving going again.

Mommy and Daddy struggle with finding a balance for you - you are so strong willed, and sometimes very defiant. We have a hard time finding something that will motivate you to listen to your parents and follow directions. I know this personality trait will serve you well when you get older, as long as we can get a handle on it now, and direct you in the best way.

You can recite a few books, and will read them to Natalie on occasion. Books like Five Little Monkeys, Are You My Mother?, Go Dog Go, and Hand Hand Fingers Thumb. We read at least 2 every night, more if mommy is feeling generous.

In your short three years, you've become very set in your ways. You love routine, even though your daddy's parenting philosophy is "a routine of flexibility". We are in the thick of the toddler years - better known as the threenager. "But I wannnt that one. No I don't want that one." You change your mind like the weather, at least 10000 times a day. It does become exhausting. You are finding your voice, though, and forming your own opinions, so I can't get too mad at that. Your daddy took you to the zoo the other day, per your request from the day before. You said, "Daddy, I want to go to the zoo tomorrow and feed the giraffes lettuce." I mean, how can you ignore that?! So he took you, and you told him "Daddy, the tigers are my favorite because I like their stripes." I'm not lying, I don't know any other 3 year olds that speak as well as you do.

Mommy finally caved and turned your car seat forward facing. You're loving it so far, and so is daddy!

You continue to amaze me. Every single day. You are becoming your own person, and it's awesome to watch. You have shown great compassion for your sister, only recently starting to get a little jealous, but mostly very concerned about her wellbeing. Always running to comfort her when she's crying and sharing your toys with her. You dish out the unwarranted "I wuv you's" all day long. It's the greatest feeling in the world to hear you say that, and that you've missed me.

I pray every day for your safety, and that we will be the best parents for you. You are a challenge, to say the least, but my most rewarding challenge ever. I love you so much sweet boy. We can't wait to see what this year has in store for you!
xoxo
Mommy

Family Update

Here we are about three months post army life. We are still surviving! FINALLY starting the home buying process, but I fear it will still be another few months before it becomes more of a reality.

Jason has changed his major to Mechanical Engineering - only because he felt he would enjoy the hands on aspect versus the more theoretical aspect of Physics. Mechanical because the school he'll transfer to here, doesn't offer Aerospace which is what he really wanted to do. They do have that minor though, so that's an option if he's not completely burnt out by then. In fact, he had his transfer orientation today! We call it his 'big boy school'. He'll finish his third year of calculus and second physics class at the community college, and take a couple classes at his big boy school next semester - so that will be a challenging schedule, but we can do anything for 16 weeks! And then next year he'll transfer completely and hopefully within 3 years, be a University of Colorado graduate! 

I am still working PRN which is perfect for now because of Jason's ever changing schedule. What's really challenging is that while he's at the community college, a lot of the classes are night classes. Bedtime by yourself with two kids is not fun! But, we made it through this last semester, so we will certainly survive next! Unfortunately, next semester I will probably just be able to work weekends to be able to work around Jason's schedule and the fact that I can't work on days he has class because day care closes at 6, and Natalie isn't even in daycare right now. We just decided we'd keep her out of daycare for as long as we have to solely because we don't want to spend that much money for both of them if I'm not working full time. At this point, Coop could stay home with me too, but he's been at this same daycare since he was 6 months old, and he loves going. It's good for him, wears him out, and he learns so much there! I can't take that away from him, and I certainly can't give him all the opportunities he's getting while he's there. 

So basically, our lives are divided in to semesters for now. And I'm ok with that. It gives us something to look forward to. And flexibility that most families with young kids don't have. We have these discussions at the end of every semester when he's registering for the next. And we have to keep taking in to account how old the kids will be at that point - because thats always changing! It's already a hundred times easier than it was in the beginning of the semester when Natalie was still in the newborn grumpy phase.

Potty training has begun, and I fear it will be a long, painful process. We will probably finish just in time to start Natalie! It is a constant battle of the wills in our house right now. I'm not sure where he got his stubbornness from…

Otherwise, we enjoyed a nice quiet Christmas in our own home for the first time in our married lives. We were certainly homesick, but it was really nice not to have to cart the kids around to different places! We stayed in our pajamas all day and just enjoyed each other. It was the first really fun year with Cooper as he's starting to talk about Santa. He wasn't quite sure how the whole present opening thing worked, but he did figure it out quickly, though he wanted to open every toy immediately and play with it instead of finishing opening the presents. Natalie slept through most of it!

And that's all I can think of that's update worthy at this point. We're living a pretty quiet life here in Colorado, and we're loving it so far!

xoxo

Natalie - Month 6

Dearest Natalie,

I can absolutely NOT believe that you're a half a year old already! Amazing. The years are flying by now. You are my content little girl, now. A complete turnaround from your first four months!

You aren't rolling yet, and that has me worried a little. I'm sure you will be ok, and I should embrace the lack of mobility right now, but I do want the world for you, and certainly don't want you behind! I believe you can do it, but I think you are just fine being on your back that you have no desire to do it. You are tolerating your belly much longer now, and have gone from your belly to your back…but only one day.

Your first food was homemade sweet potatoes. You were really indifferent, and only ate a couple spoonfuls.

Your dad has been trying to get you to belly laugh, which you still haven't done, at least to his standards. You will laugh, only if something is really funny. Your personality is starting to emerge, and we think you're going to be so laid back, and very serious. Getting you to smile is getting easier, but you still reserve the good smiles for very special occasions!

You've inherited your daddy's bushy eyebrows…the jury is still out on who's hair you will have!

I'm worried you've also inherited your mommy's lazy eye. So, I'm sorry in advance :(

I had forgotten how easy shopping was with a 6 month old. You aren't sitting yet, either, but you can sit in the cart if I prop you up with blankets. You don't wiggle out of the seat belt or kick or scream, and it's amazing. I can actually slowly wander through every aisle of target like I have been longing to do since what feels like forever. It's almost like a vacation! In that aspect, it does feel like the second baby was so much easier. But not in a lot of other aspects.

You are still sleeping in the pack and play in our room, much to your fathers dismay. He's tired of whispering anytime we go to bed. And it's true, you do need to be in your own room, in your own bed. Hopefully soon, sweet girl. I'm sorry you didn't get a precious pink nursery from day one of your life, those kinds of things are just not in the cards for our family, it seems. What matters is that you are loved AND you are sleeping 12 hours at night :)

You continue to be my happy, observant, girl. We are so blessed to have you in our lives, we love you so much!
xoxo

Natalie Months 4 & 5

Natty Girl,

These months are starting to fly! I can't believe you're already 5 months old! In the early days, I longed for these months. These are the fun months, I remembered. I was right, but I'm already missing how tiny and sweet you were.

You are actively reaching for toys and trying so hard to roll over, but haven't quite mastered that yet. You are starting to enjoy being on your tummy as well. We have finally figured out that you thrive on a schedule. Which is hard for your Mommy! Today, after sleeping 12hours at night, you went back to sleep at 9am and slept until 1:30pm when I had to wake you up! If you miss that morning nap, all bets are off and we pretty much are just winging it until bed time for you because you won't nap well after that. You don't stay asleep in the car seat if I want to run errands, either. You would rather look around and bat your long eyelashes at everyone you see while we are out! But, we are so grateful that you are sleeping better now! It was a rough first few months, for sure.

Your brother loves doting on you. He soothes you when you are crying, and reassures you that we are near by. He loves to help you play with your toys. He brings you things to hold and turns your music and lights on for you.

You continue to love your baths, talking to mommy & daddy, sleeping in the morning but not the evening, momma's milk, sucking your thumb, and the exersaucer! You continue to dislike playing by yourself for too long, laying down for too long, tummy time (sometimes), being startled by your brother (or dad), and tummy aches.

Different from your brother, you only seem to suck your thumb when putting yourself to sleep. Which is fine by me! It's amazing, actually, to watch you put yourself to sleep. As long as you're not over tired, you go to sleep almost instantly. You put your little arm up over your eyes, and the other thumb goes in your mouth, and you're out like a light! Incredible. All that stress in the first few months, that I was convinced would rub off on you and in turn make you a horrible sleeper, was all for naught.

I imagine this month you will master the skill of rolling over, and maybe cut a tooth or two? You've been chewing on your hands and more recently, your tongue.

Your daddy can't wait to see what you're going to look like, and what kind of personality you're going to have. I, on the other hand, can wait. I love this little tiny you - who plays so quietly on your play mat, doesn't move from where I put you down, and who doesn't crawl around eating all your brothers crumbs or dropped raisins (aka choking hazards). Please stay this size forever my sweet chubby cheeked girl.

We love you sweet girl, you are our blessing baby.
xoxo
mommy

Natalie Months 2 & 3

Dear sweet girl,

One of the first things I realized when I became a mommy of two, was how much less I cared about certain things. Not about you, no no. Baths, for example. Now I have to figure out how to manage your brother while bathing you, or vice versa. And, you are rarely dirty…so you get them once or twice a week. Your brother, maybe three times depending on how dirty or sweaty he is! I also care less about leaving you with your daddy. Meaning, I'm more relaxed about letting him feed you a bottle here and there if I'm out running errands and *gasp* I have to skip a feeding…I've been making myself leave more often because staying inside can make one go crazy! Though, getting out and doing takes much more effort than staying in and sitting, it is good for me, and in turn, good for our family.

Which brings me to my next point - after you were born, I'm pretty sure I went through some Post Partum Depression. Nothing like what you would hear about in the news (that's psychosis…and a whole different ball game) but the sitting in the same spot on the couch every day, nursing you for what felt like all day long, praying you would sleep but you wouldn't, etc. Well, frankly, it got old much faster this time around. And it made me wish for you to be older. Once I went back to work, I found a little bit of my old self again, and am happy to say, I believe I'm on the mend. I'm only working two days a week, and I am so grateful that we are able to do that.

Obviously, I'm busier with you than I was with your brother - because now there are two of you! And you both want my full attention all the time! Which is why you are almost four months old, and I'm just now writing about your second and third month.

In your second month - July - we did a lot of what I just described above. We sat on the couch and I nursed you. I desperately tried to get you on a schedule of some sort because I felt the clock ticking for  having to go back to work (though still weeks away). You refused any sort of schedule. You also refused to enjoy anything but being held by your mom or dad. You did start smiling, though.

In your third month - August - we went to the beach! You were baptized by Pastor Finck, who also baptized me, confirmed me, married your dad and I, and baptized your brother! You have two God Mommies, Krystal and Lisa. They are two of the most faithful people I know, and I can't wait for you to get to know them both. I think you enjoyed the beach, although you didn't have much to say about it this year. Your toes touched the Atlantic for the first time, and you cried because it was chilly. You were bathed in the sink at mom moms beach house. You also met your Grandpop and MiMi and your great grandparents from Philadelphia for the first time in Virginia. Your great grand mom made you a beautiful christening dress that I hope you can pass down to your daughter one day. You flew on a plane for the first time and slept the whole way!

You have been spending full days with daddy when I go to work and the first day was rough. Ever since then, though, you've behaved yourself for him for the most part. You are proving to be a little more high maintenance than your brother. But it should be that way, shouldn't it? You are a little princess, after all.

You have been sleeping "through the night" for a while now, I'm not sure when it started officially, because I wouldn't consider it through the night just yet. You sleep from about 7-8pm until 4-5am. And after a feeding, again until 8-9am. But, you wake up around 12-1am and start fussing, looking around for the pacifier that has long since fallen out of your mouth…and then I spend the rest of the early morning putting it back in, about every hour or so. Finally though, my dear girl, this week in fact, you have found your thumb. I could not be more excited, although I'm sure we will pay for it in dentist bills later. Until then, I believe it is an awesome coping mechanism, and I also believe it's why your brother is such a solid sleeper and self entertainer. Or maybe that's just his personality. Either way, today has been monumental in that you have taken three naps in your bed (!!) and for two of them, put yourself to sleep while sucking your thumb! Huge step! For the past three months you would take a long afternoon nap in the swing, and no where else. I even tried to move the swing upstairs so I could get things done downstairs without waking you, and you could tell you weren't around people…and would wake up after about 30 minutes, never to return to dreamland again. There were days when I really thought you would never reach the point of sleeping on your own, and that I would have to hold you until you were a teenager!

You love sitting up straight - and so you've enjoyed the Bumbo chair much more than your brother ever did. You'd much rather be watching everyone moving around the kitchen than laying under your play mat. You love to listen to mommy 'sing' even though my voice is horrible. You will be starting a baby music class next week hopefully!

Something I've been telling myself over and over, "don't wish these moments away" - because I know you will be a rambunctious 2.5 year old before I know it, and I will want to hold you and have you fall asleep on my chest one more time.

You may be high maintenance - and you may not be. I could be blowing it all out of proportion because having two at once is more stressful and I'm having a hard time balancing it all. But you still are our miracle baby. A baby girl I prayed for for so long. And you're here! And I want so badly to not mess anything up. I want our relationship to be strong and great, all the time. I want a baby girl who will be so confident but humble, and smart but kind and gentle. And so you may only be 3 months old, but I am already wishing the world for you. To have a life full of happiness and ease, filled with genuine people and love.

Everything about you is different from your brother, and that is just how it should be. I will constantly struggle with comparing the two of you, but I know deep down there is no comparison. You are both my sweet babies and I will love you both until I can't anymore.

Your dad and I love you to pieces cutie pie. You are a beautiful girl. (And your eyelashes are beautifully long right now!) In my opinion, perfect in every way possible!

Love you Natalie Jane
xoxo

The End of an Era

It happened! It's here! The time has finally come! 

Basic Training Graduation

Now, did I say it would happen while I'm on unpaid maternity leave? Yes. Did it happen that way? Yes. Is that our luck? Yes. (woe is me)

Probably a week after we got home with Natalie, Jason's PEBLO called with the news. His VA ratings hadn't changed, the Army ratings increased 20%, but nothing from the VA. They assured us we could submit claims after he gets out, and that is ratings will "definitely increase". But we won't be able to do that until he's out, and even then, who knows how long the process will take. You've seen the VA in the news lately…it seems nothing good comes out of that organization, and that's really scary!

So this is it, he's getting out!

Talk about scary.

He's on post picking up his clearing papers as I type this. Last night he said "Every time I've cleared a post, it's to go to another one…not to be done forever. This is scary."

It's amazing how something he's dreamt about for so long, probably since he was in basic (ha!), is finally here, exactly 10 years later, and now he's scared to leave it! I can understand, though. I believe the Army brainwashes these guys (especially infantry guys), and it becomes a crutch. They get so used to the routine, being treated like children, and the guaranteed pay, they don't even know where to start when they're out and have complete control of their lives. Jason has it mostly figured out by now, though. He's been through multiple chains of command at the WTU since he's been here 2.5 years waiting for this day, he's had plenty of time to figure out his life after the Army.

The plan stays the same: We will likely buy a house out here (once he's out and they will finally approve us for a loan), he will finish his bachelors degree (which right now he still wants to be in Physics), and then hopefully we will be able to move back East. I will stay at my current job which is one of the main reasons we're staying here for now, it's SO flexible with his school schedule and our daycare is on post which as a civilian, I still have access to. Now, if things could go as planned for the next few years, that would be awesome! But…we all know how that works.

What I'm most excited about is being able to pick up and go wherever, whenever we want! To be able to plan things and trips months in advance! What I'm not excited about? The giant pay cut we're about to take. So far, we've survived my unpaid maternity leave by just sitting at home and hardly eating out/ordering out at all. I'm rather impressed with us. We haven't had to dip in to our savings yet! But, he's still getting paid. Luckily, when he stops getting paid, I will have been back at work for about a month, so we should be OK financially. We will still take a pay cut,  even with me working, but we will survive! We are blessed that he will be able to go to school full time and not have to work because of the GI Bill, and we are blessed that I still won't have to work full time.

Because Jason is in the WTU, he gets the privilege of being put in the lowest financial category for daycare, meaning what we pay is out of this world cheap right now. Once he's out, it's based on income, so I'm hoping it's not too crazy expensive - especially since it will be doubled! I was thinking of keeping Natalie out of daycare a little longer since Jason will have the freedom to stay at home with her while I work.

So, there you have it. Almost three years after he was injured, he is finally getting out. All that waiting and we still didn't get the results we hoped for. We will still have to fight hard once he's out, or he'll likely get lost in the system. At first, it felt like I had been punched in the gut - of course all this would happen now. We just had another major life change with this second baby, why not throw this on top of it. But now that I've had some time to process it all, it will certainly work out. Maybe not as awesome as we had hoped - at least not yet - but the timing really couldn't have been better. He'll be out before he starts school again which means he has the rest of the summer to clear, out process, tie up loose ends, last minute doctor appointments, etc. We'll be able to go on our beach vacation with no worries about leave since he'll already be on terminal leave. And then he'll come home, and start school without having to worry about calling his squad leader every morning to 'check in' and still go to PT and pull duty throughout the semester.

I am so excited for him. This is a huge step! He is handling all this change and responsibility so well! His main concern has always been us, and how he will support his family, which I am so, so grateful for. I've loved him for almost as long as we've been together, he's always been so considerate of me and my feelings, but I love him even more now. After all he's been through, he's coming out on the other side shining even brighter than he did in the Army. He's not letting any of this get him down, he's not milking the system, he's so humble and undeserving, and still so driven and even more motivated now than before.

It will be surreal, I'm sure.  A life without the Army. Many people at the WTU have asked him to work there, to be a staff NCO, or work there as a civilian after he's out. I always thought he should be a prosthetist since he knows a lot about it now, and likes to work with his hands. He said no. "It's already a huge part of my life. I don't want it to be my job, too." He has always said he wants to get as far away from the Army as possible. Unfortunately, now, it will always be a very real, and very obvious part of his life. A story he will tell often as our kids grow older and more curious, as their friends ask about it, and any new friends we should make along the way.

Cooper notices his missing middle finger more than his leg right now. "What happened your finger, Daddy?" while pointing to it. "You got hurt?" "Yes, bubby, my finger got hurt."

If that's all he notices, because his daddy can do pretty much anything other daddy can do, I'd say we're in good shape!

10 years later

Natalie: Month 1

Dear Natalie,

It's almost time for your two month post (you're six weeks old), and I debated doing them together, but I have some time while you're napping, and your brother is occupied with his iPad.

What a whirlwind your first month has been! Maybe not for you, but definitely for your father and I!

Mom Mom and Poppy were here for your first month, mostly to help with Cooper while we learned all about you, and how you like or don't like things.

What we have learned so far: you're very unpredictable, you still haven't found a schedule you like, you get overstimulated very easily, and then over tired, and then you just won't sleep, you do not like having a dirty diaper for long, you do love to be held, you like to be in the swing, you don't like to take milk from a bottle, though you're not a great breastfeeder either, you make every face under the sun when trying to pass gas or poop, you are awake more at night (still!), you do like baths, you will NOT take a pacifier, we are still praying you will find your thumb (you have a couple times, but not for long), and you're finally growing out of your newborn clothes.

I have been beyond stressed trying to figure out some sort of schedule for you. Probably very unnecessarily stressed, as I'm sure it will work itself out eventually. The hardest part is not comparing you to your brother. Even so, he wasn't on a schedule at six weeks. And I specifically remember him getting over tired and then screaming for what seemed like ever, too.

What Daddy and I have decided is that we aren't giving you enough time! You're still only six weeks old! The last two nights you've slept for 7hrs then 6hrs, so maybe we're turning a corner, although I'm not going to get my hopes up!

It sure makes going out a lot harder. Now, I'm afraid you'll get to overstimulated and then it will throw the whole day off. I know you'll get there eventually, and that I shouldn't rush this time, because I know I'll miss it when you're running around like your big brother!

Daddy says he is most excited to see what kind of personality you will have and if you will have curly hair like your brother (I doubt it!). We are biased, but you are the prettiest baby girl we've ever seen!

This one will be short since you don't do too much these days but eat, sleep, and cry!

Even still, we love you, our answered prayer!
xoxo

Natalie Jane

**Disclaimer - this is a birth story ya'll…**

June 8th, 2014

I woke up around 9am and went to the bathroom as usual. On the way, I noticed a little more than a trickle, but nothing like the gush I had experienced when my water broke with Cooper. So I told Jason, who wasn't sure either.

It was a Sunday, so we didn't have much planned - though I was scheduled to work that day. I had taken myself off the schedule the week before since they thought she was IUGR, and wanted me taking it a little more easy. I texted my L&D friends to ask their opinion on the matter - do I go in and get checked, or not? I was having no other signs of labor, and ya'll know how I wanted to try to have this baby naturally. PLUS we were only at 37.6 weeks! Way too early in my opinion. (since I have control of these things)

I hemmed and hawed over it all. day. We had no plan for Cooper since my parent's weren't here yet. Finally, we decided to all go in and just see what they said. I threw an overnight bag together for Cooper just in case I didn't come home. I had already thrown a bag together for us, but it wasn't my best packing job ever.

By now, it's around 1:30-2pm. Nap time. I picked an awesome time to decide to go in! My triage nurse was due the same day I was supposed to be (the 23rd) - and confirmed the fact that I had ruptured.

Now came the fun part. Remember, I work there. I know and work with everyone I was about to show all my goodies to.  So I was given my choice of nurses, midwives, doctors, labor & post partum rooms, and was admitted.  The midwife 'stripped my membranes' during my first cervical check, and said 'Well you were one, and I took you to about a three…' And I felt all two centimeters of that. There was scar tissue on my cervix that needed to be broken up, and it was not pleasant. But on we go...

Since I had probably been ruptured since 0900, I only had about an hour until they wanted to start some sort of augmentation. I was still showing no signs of labor on my own. Meanwhile, Jason and Cooper are still with me as I'm getting admitted, IV, labs, etc. Signs of nervousness are starting to show as Jason is pacing and trying to figure out what to do with our now napless and inquisitive two and a half year old. He was finding all the things not to touch in the room, and Jason was becoming increasingly stressed.

We went back and forth about child care for a long time. Mostly what it boiled down to was we didn't want to bother others with our crazy child. Finally we decided on a friend of mine from work (who wasn't working, thank goodness). They have a 1 year old little girl, and I was so nervous about Cooper being too rough with her, misbehaving, or not sleeping. I rattled off a list of last minute things for Jason to gather - but I knew he'd be too rushed and forget. I was telling myself over and over that it wasn't the end of the world, but ya'll know how I hate not being prepared! And I was totally not prepared. I mean, I was texting Katelyn about Jason forgetting his sippy cup…not a big deal…but it was to me! And I was mad that I forgot to pack a liner sock for Jason's prosthetic.

We also had a limited amount of time to drop Sadie off last minute at the boarding place. So I can just picture Jason coming home and running around with his heart racing. I know he hated leaving and was afraid that baby would come out any minute. He had to get all Sadie's food ready to go too. I was trying to do what I could from the hospital like arranging drop off for her and texting Katelyn with their ETA. I told him to get dinner on the way back, which he didn't want to do because he felt bad since I couldn't eat. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to know to eat before I went, just in case. Good thing I did! He inhaled Burger King before coming back up to my room.

Once he was back, the fun really began. They had started pitocin and we were going up by 2 every 20 minutes. I was on the birthing ball, with the external monitors on. Lots of cords and annoyances, for sure. Because I was on pitocin, I couldn't be intermittently monitored. Finally once we got up to 18-20mu of pit, I was feeling them pretty good. But by then it's getting to the point of having to have an internal monitor since the pitocin was getting so high. Before shift change (1830) they did another check and inserted an internal pressure catheter to monitor my contractions better. Still 3cm. Frustration.

New shift, new nurse, new midwife. Of which I knew them all of course. I continued with the birthing ball, the pitocin, and I was really starting to feel them. Got checked again around 11pm, still 3cm. We decided to try a pitocin rest for 2 hours; the thought being that it lets the receptors clear the pitocin, and then when you start it again it usually works faster and the contractions are stronger. She even let me eat in those two hours. I inhaled some cheez its, jello, graham crackers, and I think a soda. We totally didn't prepare enough to bring snacks and had a very minimal amount of vending machine change, so that's all I got. Afterwards I silently prayed I wouldn't puke it all up later. I still had to be intermittently monitored for those 2 hours, but in between I was in and out of the shower.

There's something about being in pain/labor, that makes you feel like you have to tense your entire body, and you can't move. And then when you add external monitors, blood pressure cuffs, pulse ox, and various catheters…hanging…it just all feels so unnatural, and you'd almost rather lay still than get up and move. Though when I did get up, it felt better. It was a mental struggle for me, for 12 hours, while I was unmedicated, to tell myself to relax. When I did relax through the contractions, it did feel better, but to tell yourself that every 2-3 minutes was exhausting. Something I'm sure I would have been better prepared for had I invested in a doula or just educated myself a little better. Hindsight is always 20/20! Jason was great about doing hip pressure, and it really helped. I don't know if it took my mind off the other pain, but it felt great.

When we restarted the pitocin around 1am I think is when we checked again…still 3cm…and inserted a fetal scalp electrode at the same time. THAT was weird. When she would move her head, I could feel the cord moving against my leg. So at this point, I knew my body wasn't relaxing enough to let this happen. I could feel myself tense every single time. Didn't help we were watching it on the monitor and knew when every one was coming. I was already debating the dreaded epidural. And I knew it would take a little while to get things going, so I didn't want to wait too long to decide. I had a gut feeling that I wasn't going to change much on my own, and I was nearing 12 hrs unmedicated, had been awake far too long, and was loosing patience. Here's where a doula would have been beneficial, probably. But, as it was, I decided to get the epidural. Sat up on the edge of the bed as if he would be in there the minute I said the word, and waited. And waited. And got increasingly irritated with the length of time it was taking him. I was trying so hard to keep my sailor mouth in check. I remember with each contraction thinking "I'm not going to make it through this…" and then it would end. And then another would come and I'd be on the verge of tears…"I can't do this!" I remember wanting to scream at the top of my lungs for that man to "Get your F*cking tool box and get the F*ck in here NOW." But! I controlled myself. Finally, it came.

Now we're at about 3am, and the awful numb feeling was here, but I was no longer in pain. Now, I was just worried about the baby not coming down far enough - all the checks had been the same, she was at -2 station the whole time - too high. "Tell me if you start feeling pressure" they said…they said all the same things last time too, and I never felt that pressure. She had me using the peanut ball between my legs, on my side. We rotated sides every 30 minutes which was a struggle with dead legs. Apparently this helps to open up the pelvis, and let the baby come down further. How, I don't know because I was still laying fairly flat. But, these girls know what they're doing so I was just the very compliant patient doing what I was told. ;)

While all this rotating was happening, I was watching I Love Lucy, Jason was asleep, and I tried to sleep, but was getting checked every 15 minutes so it was pretty hard. The whole time though, I was praying I was dilating and she was doing what she was supposed to before this next check. At 0445 she checked again, and we just crossed our fingers, silently praying there was some kind of change. I was hoping for at least a 5 or 6. It's only been about an hour and a half since the epidural, so I wasn't trying to get my hopes up. She said "Ok, I can live with that! Complete, Complete, zero station!" Oh, thank GOD! Wait! What? That happened in an hour?! Holy Shit this is happening!

Then my nurse says, "Ok I'm staying until you deliver!" Meaning she was going to stay over her shift to deliver this baby because it was pretty close to shift change again. I would never wish that on anyone, and definitely not when you're working nights! They decided to let me labor down for another hour, to see if she'd come down any further on her own (We did this with Cooper, too.) so it was decided that at 0545 I'd start pushing. I was feeling tiny amounts of pressure intermittently, but nothing that screamed to me that a baby could be falling out any minute.

I had a very last minute photographer coming, and she hadn't arrived by the time we were due to start pushing. A tiny voice inside of me said to tell them to wait until she got there, but I didn't say anything. I had emphasized to everyone that I pushed for 3 1/2 hrs with Cooper, and that he ended up being forceps. My nurse emphasized to me that she did NOT want me to be her first nurse delivery (where the babe comes before the provider can be in the room to deliver it). So the nurse came in and said we could start pushing, and that the midwife would be in shortly.

A very different picture than last time, just me, Jason and the nurse (I know all their names by the way, I just don't want to throw them out there like that ;)). I asked for a mirror because I like to know I'm pushing correctly. We lifted my heavy ass legs and I'm mentally preparing myself for a good couple of hours of pushing. I gave half a push and saw white and knew I needed to stop. I don't even know if Jason or my nurse was looking, but since I had the mirror, I saw it instantly. I said "Uhhh I think that's head!" And the chaos ensued. Jason tried to push the staff emergency button and I turned my head to tell him which one it was, I turned back around and her head was pretty much out. Meanwhile four more nurses were in the room, and finally the midwife. I didn't push any more. She just came out on her own.

At first, she looked so incredibly tiny! And then she started looking bigger and bigger when I thought about how she had just been scrunched up inside me. She was on my belly till the cord was cut, and then they took her to the warmer. I believe she was a bit stunned by the quick delivery, and she needed a bit of oxygen to get jump started. After that, she came back to me, and we made sure she really was a girl, and did the full head to toe assessment. She had a nice little groove all along the top of her head where she must have flew past my pelvic bone, but it was gone by the next day.

She was 6 pounds 9 ounces, 18 inches long. Born at 0555, and the photographer did indeed miss it. But she got there right after, and got some incredible shots. So thankful too, because we left our camera's memory card in the computer at home. Ten fingers, ten toes, and no penis!


My recovery was out of this world compared to last time. Now I can understand how some ladies come back pregnant within the year. Last time, Jason wasn't allowed near me for months. This time around, there was a different emotional connection I felt to him. Maybe because we were out here with no family support, really relying on each other to get through and share this huge moment in our lives together. Whatever it may be, we communicated so well over those couple of days, and got a lot accomplished! But, I was never swollen, didn't need any kind of repair, and didn't dread standing, sitting, or walking! The only pain I felt after delivery was the cramping, which still wasn't horrible. Definitely more noticeable than last time, but manageable.


It was an early morning delivery, so Monday felt extraordinarily long. She met all of mommies co workers who were on that day! We took naps as best we could, but as things are in hospitals, people were in and out all day.

We decided Jason would pick Cooper up and spend the night with him at home so he could be in his own bed, and so as to not burden others with him any longer. After visiting with me and meeting his baby sister, they both went home for the night. Jason said he was fairly restless, like he knew I wasn't there. He went to day care the next day and Jason came up as early as he could.

I spent the morning struggling with breastfeeding (again!). I was determined this time would be different, but alas!, it was not. Extreme pain from the very first latch. We decided she's just small, and her mouth is small, and she just wasn't opening wide enough. It was never an issue of not eating, it was more of an issue of getting a good latch. (2 weeks later, we're almost better…still tender, but nothing like last time!)

I took care of some administrative things like turning in my time card, and updating my HIPPA so I wouldn't be locked out of my account upon returning to work…you know, the things one would normally do after just having a baby at their workplace…

And we finally made our way home. A stop to fill out her birth certificate paperwork where we debated until the last second on her name. I was the one filling it out this time, so if she hates her name, I goes I'm the one to blame this time! We weren't totally convinced on it, but decided if we waited, we'd just stress over it more and more the longer we had to think about it. Another stop to pick up lunch, and some other necessary post partum items, and we were home! It felt weird coming home to a quiet house. Cooper wouldn't be up from his nap for another couple hours at day care. We learned early on not to interrupt this process! And, then we learned not to pick him up before he eats his snack there, because he gets really upset about that too. So we had a couple hours to relish in our new baby, at home, alone, before the chaos would ensue. And, relish we did!

We were at home for two days before mom mom and poppy arrived, and it was a glimpse in to our near future. It will be Zone defense once mom mom and poppy leave, that's for sure. The first night home was incredibly tough, she was up every hour for some reason. My milk was already in, and she was feeding fine, just A LOT. It made for a tough next day, but Jason was up with Cooper bright and early (for us) and entertained him all morning until mommy got her butt out of bed and moseyed on downstairs. He was so great. He played with Coop outside, made me eggs and brought them to me IN BED! I had a huge list titled "Before Baby Nesting" that only had about 3 things crossed off it since she came 2 weeks early. He started knocking things off that list left and right without me even asking. It was awesome.

Though I definitely feel like myself again much sooner than I did with Cooper, I am still finding myself in a little bit of a daze as the days go by, and she gets older by the second. I'm trying so hard to relish in every moment as she will probably complete our family. And I'm already trying to work out the logistics of daycare in my head - what time will I have to get up in order to drop two off and get to work in time. This sounds impossible, yet people do it all.the.time. Everyone says we will find a new routine, but it sounds pretty far off right now. How will Jason handle both of them while I'm at work all day. When will we find time for each other, will we come out of this on the other side still loving each other?!

Now, I'm rambling.

So, dear Natalie, we feel so blessed to have you in our lives. Mommy prayed for a sweet, healthy little girl, and someone heard her! Your timing, though early, was perfect. Daddy has the whole summer to spend time with you and get to know you before going back to school and studying hard this fall. Your mom mom already hopes you will give me a hard time like I gave her. I hope you are always content with your beautiful self, and life, and grow to be a wonderful person. Mommy, Daddy, and Cooper will be there for you every step of the way, we already love you so much!

xoxo