on mother's day

Officially, I've had three mother's days...only I didn't know I was a mother yet for the first one. It's just an odd feeling that I still find myself in awe of. The fact that I even get to call myself a mother is amazing. 

I see it every single day I work - women becoming brand new moms at a very young age, or starting over after not having a baby for 5 or 10 years, or becoming a mother for a 4th, 5th, or 6th time. It doesn't usually spark anything awe inspiring in me, but since it's mother's day, I gave it a little more thought. To be given this gift is out of this world amazing. It's so cliche to say that you can't truly understand until you become a mother yourself, but it's the only way I can seem to put it in words. 

Now, I look back to when I was a teenager and horrible. I can't imagine what kind of stress I was putting my poor mother through. Even still, I know I stress her out, and she's always worrying about me. Almost every day, I think about the day that Cooper decides he doesn't need me anymore, or when I'm not the first person he runs to for help or comfort. When he meets someone to marry and brings them home to meet us, and I have to smile and hug him and say "I'm so happy for you!" But I know I'll be thinking about the days I'm living right now. I'll remember living in this house, chasing him around, counting, singing, dancing, and tickling. 

So many people come up to us and ask how old he is. "16 months", I'll say, and they almost always come back with "Ah, I remember that age..." and they look so nostalgic. And right now while I'm living the tantrums and stubbornness and while I'm shaping who he will become, I have such a hard time believing that I will ever miss this stage. 

And then I know there will be a day that he won't stand at the front door and cry when he sees me leave, or when I won't be the only one that can comfort him. 

Shortly after he was born a friend asked "Doesn't it just break your heart to hear him cry like that?" He was 2ish months old at the time, I think. I said "No." Because I will be the first one to tell you it took me a few months to bond with him. Looking back now, I wonder if it was a little bit of post partum depression, or it could have just been our stressful situation, but I know I sound so callus when I say that. Feeding him was painful and not the beautiful picture they make it out to be, and since I had to do it every 2 hours, I was so down on myself for feeling so negative towards him because he didn't do anything wrong. All I had to do was feed my baby and it was miserable to get through every.single.time. 

But now, now when I see him standing at the front door crying out for me as I leave, I can literally feel my heart breaking off in to little tiny pieces. I want to run to him and scoop him up and hug him so tight. I can see the pain and confusion on his face, and I just want to explain that I'll never ever leave him. I can't help but want to fight all his fights for him, and be his ultimate protector, forever. I don't know how I will ever let him go. How will I ever let him make his own mistakes and learn from them. How will I ever not worry about him. 

Sometimes I wonder why people go through this parenting thing at all - it can be so miserable! I have to raise this beautiful boy in to a productive member of society,  pour my heart and soul in to him, and then let him go do everything on his own. Then what?! Holy unnecessary anxiety, Batman. This is still at least 17 years away! Maybe in these next seventeen years I'll figure out the trick to this crazy mess. 

For now, I'll continue to look at him and think "Holy crap, we made him. He is absolutely perfect. I can't believe I grew him!" I absolutely cannot imagine life without him. I have been so blessed. Thank you for making me a mommy, Cooper, you are my pride and joy every single day. 

I love you, I love you, I love you! 

"It's a big world, baby, and you're little for a little while..."