last days

I figured I'd post another blog quickly, before the chaos ensues back in Colorado. Currently, Jason is on his way back with Sadie and a 6'x12' U-Haul trailer. I was convinced that once the trailer was hooked up,  it would look like a cartoon and the Jeep would just lift straight up in to the air. That didn't happen, but I'm still worried about it. He's on the other side of St. Louis, and has had Pizza for dinner for the second night in a row. When we first started discussing the trip back, Cooper and I were going to go with him, no question. My parents would follow a couple weeks later with more stuff, and the dog. Then, we thought about how much longer and more stressful the drive would be with a 3 month old who needs to eat every 3 hours. So, when we decided I would fly instead, he got excited about the time alone, during the drive.

Tonight he told me he missed me, and that the nights were lonely without me :) That made my heart smile. 

The stress in our relationship has been at an all time high during the last couple of weeks. We have literally been with each other 24/7, since last August. Maybe with the exception of a couple of weeks ago, and a weekend here and there. But that's it, 24/7, otherwise. I remember in college, my roommates and I would go through phases where we would all be so irritated with each other just from living together. Jason said it's the same in the Army, especially during deployments. Apparently about this time in the deployment, no one is speaking to each other for that same reason.

We're only human, I guess. But to be less than perfect is hard for me. I'm not sure when I became so wrapped up in being perfect all the time. Making sure no one's feelings get hurt, making sure we don't forget anything ever, wondering if all the decisions I've made or am making are the right ones for our child...you get the picture. So, Jason and I have always been great at communicating. Sometimes I think, too good. We're both overly sensitive it seems like, so feelings are always getting hurt. The consensus seems to be that this is normal. That most married couples go through these growing pains in learning about one another and how to communicate effectively, not necessarily more.

I got way off topic there.

But, in looking back on the last two weeks, the stress level is what I remember most. I'm sure it's not over yet. Packing and cleaning our tiny government issued apartment, Jason became very overwhelmed with the amount of stuff we accumulated. Mom continued to try to send stuff back with us, while we were packing the trailer. More stress. The height of it all came when he left, and two hours later I remembered his golf clubs were in the back of my moms car. Ugh! When I called him to ask if he had gotten them, he just laughed and said "Ah well, no big deal." What! No big deal!? It was to me. And he's right, it's totally not a big deal. But I beat myself up about that one all.day.long. Ridiculous. I don't understand why I do that. Anyway, I decided I would just take them on the flight with me. He hasn't played golf in years, and he sounded so excited to get back in to it. I was excited to see him excited about something for once. So I can't not take them back for him.

Cooper and I will fly out on Monday. It's really all still surreal. Eight months ago, I was struggling to accept the fact that my husband has no right foot. Now, we're still in shock that we're actually going home again. It will have been eleven months since Jason has been in that house. Back to house maintenance, dog walking, exercise, cooking dinner, finally decorating a nursery, etc. Out of our little bubble at Bethesda where Jason was as normal as normal can be in this situation. On to bigger and better things. I know he'll have new stares, and new people to explain his story to, and I know he'll probably resent this. He is the most humble person I've ever met, and hates that we have had to ask for so much help lately. He hates that people feel honored to know him, or talk to him, or help him. He just says "I was doing my job. It's the guys who are still there, who have been there for a year that deserve all this. Not me." He won't take free stuff from anyone (people were always giving out free girl scout cookies, free t shirts, etc. at Bethesda). He says "My time is done. It's someone else's turn." Because he always sees me looking out of the corner of my eye at the tables of free stuff - I was raised in a family that turns down nothing free of charge. There comes a point though, when we just have to accept that some people genuinely want to do nice things for us. We've had so many nice things done for us, we can't even begin to repay everyone. No matter how he feels about the situation, politically, I told him, he's got to learn when to just accept it for what it is.

There are still nights when he throws things across the room, and hangs his head so low I think he'll never be able to get out of this. But, then morning comes, and he is his wonderful happy self again, although I know there will always be some sort of 'what if' or 'why me' going on in his head. There are times that I stop and think that I've gone too long without a good cry. Sometimes when I feel like I want to cry, I just feel numb, like I can't even begin to process why I need to cry. So I just don't.  I get worried that I'm too far past all the initial emotions, and it's going to take a lot for me to get out of it as well. I wonder if I have lost myself in making sure he's always okay, and in supporting him through this. I worry that after all of this, after we've made it through the hardest year of our lives to date, different emotions and feelings will surface, that maybe we won't be able to get through together.

It doesn't help that on top of his medical issues - which, by the way, he still itches terribly all the time - I'm having my own as well. It's not something I want to go in to detail about on here, but it's not an ideal situation for us in any sort of the way.

So, in short, to add to our to-do list upon returning to Colorado, finding a church I like is going to be at the top of that list. Those who know me well, know I have always been skeptical of anything religious. I'm learning that I need something more, because I'm not sure how much more I can handle on my own. I'm not sure if Jason will be interested in going with me, and that's okay. At this point, I just need something to keep me sane.

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This has been a long post about everything I did not intend to write about. I intended to write about how we are so excited to get back to Colorado. How I'm still so jealous I am not welcoming my husband home at a ceremony, that instead we've been attached at the hip for the last eight months in a not so fun way. I wanted to tell you all that this has been the longest eight months of our lives, and even though we are so ready to move on, we are still so scared and nervous for what our new future will bring. I was going to say that I'm over-the-moon excited for Cooper to meet all of our Colorado friends, and for us to have play dates. I was also going to add that I am looking forward to running errands, and going grocery shopping and making dinner for my husband all by myself. I should have said that I'm slightly excited about working out again, but I'm more excited to get skinny again! I meant to say that I would be spending the next months returning millions of favors that were done for us while we've been gone. I was going to say something along the lines of how I'm still nervous about returning to work, and still don't really know the details on that one.

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A lot of times, when I write these blogs, I end them feeling like I should have done one of those brainstorm web things we were taught to do in elementary school. To organize your thoughts. Maybe I'll try that next time. If this were an SOL test, I'd totally fail.

I'm off to bed, the next time you hear from me, I will be in the Rockies, and my post will likely be insanely sporadic and chaotic. What's new, right?!