Oh, so this thought just came to me. Literally, just now.

"I'm tired of being in this murky place in my life"

I think I had that thought because I looked at Lizzz's status on Facebook, and it said that she "loves her life <3" (yes heart and everything)

And I thought, "man, she is always happy, always bubbly, maybe I should go to church and I'd be that way too"

Except for then I thought "that's silly, why do I think that just because people go to church, they have happier, bubblier lives? it's almost stereotypical of me, and i hate that"

So, back to the original thought of the murk. It sucks. For the past 24 years, it's been the same routine. And now I'm about to go in to uncharted, even more disgusting murky waters. In fact, it's so murky, I don't even think you'd call it water.

It's scary. I can't say that I'm a huge fan of it. To get a job? In a career that I'm learning (even though I kind of already knew) is crazy dangerous and scary. (I'm currently regretting my decision)

To move to a place I've never been, just because of some silly idea in my head a few years back?

To go somewhere in a relationship I sure as hell have never been? (but of course, i have always wanted to go)

Why can't my posts be so happy and bubbly and positive like everyone elses?

I am so over October. This month has been nothing but a roller coaster for me. I wish my brain would just chill out some times. It's always on. Is everyone else's like that? I feel like my posts are always going to be negative and depressing. But I guess that's who I am, so whatever.

I'm ready for May 2009. And May 2010 for that matter. But the amount of things I need to accomplish before those two dates is ridiculous. I suppose I'll manage, millions of others do.

I really have nothing exciting to blog about right now. I never really do. Unless you want to hear about my boring rambles trying to figure out which life pathways I should take. But then I'll just catch shit inadvertently for it all.

I just signed up for a practice NCLEX this Sunday. That should be interesting.

i'm back...

and just in case you were wondering...i only left because i found out there were people reading this who i didn't exactly expect to be reading it...so i got slightly frustrated. yes, my fault for not making it private or whatever you do with blogs...but i've still been reading yours, and i miss blogging.

writing helps me, and your responses help me even more. it really upset me to hear that i was being judged for my blog. it is like a tool i use to organize the daily issues that go on in my head. how can that be a bad thing? maybe i wasn't being judged. but through my eyes, i was.

so if i continue to write about that, i'll get mad all over again, so i'll quit now.

i guess i'll have to continue to edit what i write, and be sure to only say things i'm okay with the entire world seeing. even though, i was okay with it before, just not the general feeling i got from realizing the theoretical wierd looks i was getting.

so - again, like i said writing helps me - and i just realized, what is the point of blogging then if i'm constantly going to be worried about that?! hm.

i'll ponder on this some more i guess, before i blog again.

what do you think?