was it worth it?

We all know how much Facebook has affected our lives in one way or another. Tonight, while perusing the site as usual, 2nd Brigade 4th Infantry Division posted pictures of their HHC 1-67 AR Change of Responsibility ceremony. Yes, they have a Facebook page - who doesn't these days? And nice for all those families of units who are deployed because they get to see pictures of what's going on while their spouse is gone.

In case you've forgotten, this is the unit Jason deployed with to Afghanistan from Fort Carson. I quickly looked through the pictures, your ordinary military ceremony with the flags and such. They are currently deployed to Kuwait and should return this summer.

But here's the kicker…none of them are the same people that Jason deployed with almost 3 years ago. Again, in typical military fashion, most of the guys he was with, PCS'd around September after they returned. You can tell when it's PCS season in a military town. You can just feel it in the air, there are moving trucks on every street, and there's a bit of a lull at the birthing center as everyone comes and goes and gets settled.

So as I'm flipping through the pictures, I'm thinking, "None of these guys have any idea who Jason, or the other two guys who lost their legs for this unit (and country) are."

"The leadership doesn't even know."

"Everyone has gone their separate ways and all but forgotten."

"What was the point?"

I mean obviously, the point was not to have people remember him forever. And even more obviously, there are thousands more who sacrificed so much more.

But I can't help but wonder if it was really worth it.

I am grateful to live in the US, and Jason has received nothing but top notch care from the start of all this - though some believe military care is horrible, I strongly disagree, and will save that argument for another day!

But, almost three years later, am I allowed to wonder why? Because from what Jason tells me, he's fairly bitter about it all, too. Yes, he signed up for it, and he's fully aware of that. So am I. We've never asked for sympathy, just new legs.

He still gets stopped and thanked by strangers, and all I can think is "But do you really understand what we went through during recovery and learning a new normal?" When what I should be thinking is "How nice! Someone going out of their way to show their appreciation. It is rare these days!" So I just smile and answer "Yes he's in the military, yes he lost his leg in Afghanistan…" Then when he comes back, they thank him for his service and say something about how much of a hero he is or whathaveyou. And Jason almost always responds with "Eh it's no big deal, I was just doing my job!"

I hate that response. Yes, it's the truth, but it's so humble it makes me sick! I think sometimes he wishes he had a way cooler story than what actually happened, though I'm quite happy with how it turned out, because it could have been way worse.

This is a long winded way to say - what the hell were they doing over there anyway? What was the mission? Why have I waited three years to wonder this in such detail? Why did three guys need to lose a right leg and change their lives forever? Because the COP they were defending and clearing paths to, is closed now. No one even goes there anymore. So, why?

Does this mean either of us are against what everyone is there for? No. Jason is a honorable man, and will do any job he is asked, regardless of risk - very obviously. But, I might have a little bit of a harder time understanding this. When, in my job, one of the biggest ethos (I doubt I'm using that word in the correct context) is "First, do no harm…"

People lose limbs every day, as we've seen, so why should we be any different? We shouldn't. But when you lose a part of your body so traumatically, grieving still has to happen. We are clearly still going through it. Just the other night, right before falling asleep, he said "I still can't believe I'm missing a leg." While I'm over here thinking "Hm, I'm pretty used to it now, I guess." But I can be, because I'm not the one going through it. He is. He always will be. I get to forget about it. He can't.

And I still haven't figured out why.

thumbs up

Oh my, it's been so long!

I decided I needed to write this down, since this is becoming my baby book of sorts.

The past three days, I have done nothing but look at my son in awe of how fast he has grown and just how smart he is. It is incredible. I can barely put it in to words, but I will try.

For example, Jason informed me that they were grocery shopping, and he pointed out the pitas. Why would he even know what a pita is?! We never say that word, or have taught it to him. Insane.

He absorbs everything.
"Mommy has to do the dishes, bubby."
"Alright, I do dishes."
And he proceeds to pretend do his dishes in his kitchen. With a sponge and all.
What?! You do pretend play now?! You know what that IS?! How?!

And then, to top it off, he starts singing "Let it gooo…" from the movie Frozen. Which we've only seen twice. The first time was his first movie theater experience, probably a little too young, because we spent most of it going up and down the stairs, so how did he even remember that song!?

Tonight, while in the bath, he sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I never sing that song. They must sing it at school. But geez. Blow me away again why don't you, son.

To all of you who are not parents and reading this, I'm sure you think I'm insane. I'm one of those crazy moms who is obsessed with her child. Maybe I am. Because I'm pretty sure he's the most amazing thing ever put on this planet.

And to think, I have another 'most amazing thing ever put on this planet' growing inside of me right now!

Just his personality, you guys, is out of control. Now we get the huge sighs and he throws his hands up…"Alllllllright" when asked to do something. Unbelievably cute. And we never do or say that. So insane how they form their own little teeny tiny personalities! He's only TWO! Two years of life, and there is so much character and charisma inside of his little tiny body!

He has OPINIONS! How can someone who has only been on this earth for two years have opinions? Someone who was helpless just a year ago?!

"Build Snowman on your phone, Mommy!"
(Mommy translates)
"You want to listen to the Snowman song on Mommy's phone?"
"Yeah!"
"Where did Anna go, Mommy? Anna go bye-bye?"
"I guess so."
"Let it go on phone, Mommy!" "Let it goooooooooo"

And at 0550 when we're getting ready for school on work days -
"No Mommy, I don't want ittttt" (Whining. Not my favorite character trait. But a very strong voice of opinion.)

And then -

"Call Mom Mom?"
"I'm coloring purple Mom Mom, see?" (As he moves the phone so she can see while they FaceTime.
Two year olds FaceTime. What?

I watch him walk around with very specific purpose. Answering our questions appropriately, and playing with such intent. I can't handle it. I beam on the inside, and sometimes on the outside too, because I just can't help but be so incredibly proud of how SMART he is!

He is so interactive, too. "Play cars, Mommy?" (Mommy strongly dislikes playing cars. It is not in her nature to want to play cars. Nor does she have the sound effects that apparently boys are born with.) "Ok bubby, let's play cars" "Here you go, Mommy, you play with this car."

Ugh, so considerate. So, so polite. I can't get enough. I want to live in these moments forever. When he's so little, and still looks at me with such love and adoration. I never want him to grow up and get married. The pure and genuine love in his eyes for his mom and dad at this time in his life, is incredible. My cup overflows!

Yes, more often than not, our days are difficult. They are laced with bribery which I can't say I'm proud of, but if it gets him to eat dinner, then so be it. Or gets him out of the tub without a fit, OK. Or gets him in his car seat without a wrestling match, I'm ok with that too.

On the days I'm exhausted, and want nothing more than for it to be bedtime, I hope I can remember these sweet blonde curls and thumb sucking snuggles won't last forever.

No matter how old he gets, who he marries, and where he ends up, I think I'll always see my baby, beaming at me from the bathtub as he sings twinkle twinkle…

Cooper: 2 Years

2 years!
Can you believe it?! I can't!

I thought zero to one was a big difference, but one to two felt even bigger. You have grown SO much!

Around 20 months, I got worried that you'd never actually talk. Even though everyone assured me you'd be fine, and you would wake up one day speaking sentences. I didn't believe them, and had a team of people come evaluate you. If nothing else, but to be sure I was doing everything I possibly could to help you along. Sure enough, they all decided you were right on track with your age and it would just be a matter of time. Well that time happened around Christmas. We went home this year, and all of the sudden you were repeating EVERYTHING! Putting words together, making sentences, and even making sense of what you were saying! You have opinions and wants, and are finally able to express them!

Now, I can't even list the words you can say because you can pretty much say them all with our help! Which means mommy needs to start watching her mouth…



You have finally started the attachment phase - I thought maybe we'd skip over that, and was really excited about it. But all of the sudden (again!) after our Christmas vacation, you started getting a lot more clingy when we have to leave you at daycare, or even when mommy or daddy just leaves the house. It's rather heartbreaking actually. At least for me. Luckily you don't let it affect your whole day, and quickly forget as soon as we're out of sight. I always said I'd never be that parent who hangs around and keeps hugging and kissing when you say "Mommy no bye bye" hugging my leg a little tighter. But I'm definitely that mom. A little piece of my heart breaks off each time I have to hear that little voice plead!

But you do love school, and we are so blessed in that we don't have to take you 5 days a week from open to close like some families do. It's just enough for me to feel ok leaving you there, and it's great for you! You can name all your friends there, and we talk about them all each morning we're getting ready to leave. You are really NOT a morning person, and when you have to go to school, unfortunately it's really early in the morning. So we talk about who we will play with that day and what friends we will see. Sometimes that helps you feel a little better about waking up and getting dressed. Sometimes nothing helps.

You have mastered the big boy cup, and eating with a spoon and fork. Although this still isn't always the cleanest skill of yours. Your baths continue to be very short since you insist on standing and splashing water everywhere but inside the tub. You love brushing your teeth at night, and reading books before bed. You are still a great 12 hr a night sleeper, so maybe soon we will try the transition to a toddler bed, although I'm not as excited about that as others think I should be.

We're still working on your expression of anger and frustration. Right now, it's hitting and throwing. It feels like we are speaking to a brick wall sometimes but again they all say 'one day it will click'. As a matter of fact, I got a compliment today on how I handle you which was a little shocking since sometimes it feels like it's all a lost cause.

We have been taking music class for a year now, and just this semester you've started expressing your opinions very strongly during class. So we've had at least two time outs per class so far. You're definitely challenging your mom and dad! But, I try to always remember your strengths, and hope this means one day you will grow in to a very driven and intelligent young man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go out and do what it takes to get it!

This might be a 'duh' for some people reading this, but I've found that being outside helps you a lot. Unfortunately our backyard is not conducive to you playing in it, so that's another reason we love when you go to school, because we know you get good outside time and no tv or iPad time. Hopefully soon we will have a real back yard for you!



You are totally a beach boy - as evidenced by this past summer. You would've stayed down there all day if we let you. You were fearless with the waves, and loved playing with and throwing the sand. We can't wait until we can take you every single summer!

You have gotten very attached to your 'Poppy' as you named him. You loved playing pool with him while we were home for Christmas. When we FaceTime with mom mom, you always ask for Poppy and say "Poppy! What are you doing Poppy!?"





We celebrated your 2nd birthday with Livvy, Ben, Micah, and Charlie at the Denver Aquarium you had a blast! You had a cupcake with blue frosting that night, and blew the candle out before we were even finished singing!

Mommy loves you, sweet boy. You continue to amaze us with your smarts and kind heart. You are giving and genuine and we can't wait to see what this year brings. Please stay little just a little while longer! 

 xoxo

Time Stops

In the midst of cleaning and organizing, but really making a bigger mess, I decided to stop and blog. While the mess sits. It has been a little while since I've updated. Though, there really aren't too many updates these days! We're just your run of the mill working family!

Anyway, I found these three things while going through stuff today. Every time I run across them, I kind of stop in my tracks and it all just flashes back to that moment. The moment my husband got blown up to be exact. Not the moment I learned about it, but the actual physical explosion. Because these items just make me wonder what it looked like exactly. I have played the actual event over and over in my head, but I will never really know what it looked like. He has told me multiple times, and in detail, but you know how peoples perceptions are. What I see when he tells the story is completely different than what actually happened, I'm sure!

So these three things, plus his bloodied wedding ring sat in that ziplock baggie on a shelf in our hospital room for the longest time. And now I find them in a box under our bed. He can't use the rank or nametape anymore because they're in multi cam and that's only for deployments. I'm not sure why the watch has sat in that box for two years though. What really made me stop today was the fact that this watch still works. The date is correct, and even the time is correct. How weird is that. A deployment to Afghanistan, a land mine explosion, two years later, and it's still going!

The baggie still has Afghanistan dirt and dust in it, and I will probably never get rid of it. For some reason, this tiny bag that contained all of his personal effects that day, is very special to me. It's so small. But the things inside of it say so much!

He wears his wedding right on his right hand now because he can't get it over his broken left ring finger. But I remember giving that to mom to have her clean it. I should have taken a picture of its condition first. One day I could look at it and think nothing of it, but other days it just says so much about all the events of that day - the blood, sweat, and tears our marriage would endure.

I could get really metaphorical here, but I think you'd rather me not.

I just cannot get over this watch. It's still going. And so are we. Strong.

Love him.

Warrior Open

September 26-28, 2013


We were so blessed to be invited back to this years Warrior Open! Again, they outdid themselves, and the experience was amazing. My parents drove to Texas to be with us this year, and Jason's dad came to stay with Cooper so we could truly enjoy ourselves. That was a lifesaver for sure. I'm pretty sure Cooper didn't even know we were gone.

There were quite a few returning guys, and Jason has quickly made friends over these past two years. It's exciting to go back now and see people you recognize. Since the George W. Bush Presidential Center opened, we ate dinner there the first night, and got to tour the museum. It was incredible and the food was delicious as usual!

We got to go back to President Bush's house for a chuck wagon supper again, which Jason was the most excited about because of the catfish.

He didn't play his best, but still played about the same, maybe 2 strokes better than last year. The competition got better this year though, so he placed further back. He's determined to practice more this year, and apply again for another chance to improve his game!

He had a course pro caddy this year; and he was a big help! He did a great job even though Jason felt like he let him down after bad shots. 

There is a Warrior Open display in the George W. Bush Presidential Center! 

We'll apply again for next year, and cross our fingers!